joshe
Wanderer
- Jun 1, 2019
- 112
Seeing the new recovery section on the forum and thinking about how I want my life to be, I can see the true damage that my constant ideation and attempt 2 years ago has caused.
It has always given me a relatively easy out in a way. Not speaking for anyone else here but this is just my experience.
I am much less willing to change or put myself out there, one because of the setbacks and burns I have received trying, but two, because I don't have to anymore, I know that when all my powders come, I can actually rest for good and that will be it, no more struggle.
Maybe I'm in the class of people who need outside intervention because they have totally convinced themselves suicide is the only option when in reality there are other ways.
But I don't think like so. Something has shifted, or the veil has fallen in a way, I see the truth that I can check out whenever I want and this is of course comforting, but as I said, makes it much harder to decide to push through difficult times or aim for anything that looks even slightly unattainable.
There was a famous YouTuber who recently ctb and he stated very clearly that one of the reasons he was doing so what because he pushed the boundaries too much and didn't feel he could go back.
All the time I pushed the boundaries when damaging myself, or starving myself, or telling myself over and over how I wanted to die, a lot of it was a coping mechanism that probably could have been helped with some therapy, but now it's gone over the edge. I've gone too far.
Hope this makes sense
It has always given me a relatively easy out in a way. Not speaking for anyone else here but this is just my experience.
I am much less willing to change or put myself out there, one because of the setbacks and burns I have received trying, but two, because I don't have to anymore, I know that when all my powders come, I can actually rest for good and that will be it, no more struggle.
Maybe I'm in the class of people who need outside intervention because they have totally convinced themselves suicide is the only option when in reality there are other ways.
But I don't think like so. Something has shifted, or the veil has fallen in a way, I see the truth that I can check out whenever I want and this is of course comforting, but as I said, makes it much harder to decide to push through difficult times or aim for anything that looks even slightly unattainable.
There was a famous YouTuber who recently ctb and he stated very clearly that one of the reasons he was doing so what because he pushed the boundaries too much and didn't feel he could go back.
All the time I pushed the boundaries when damaging myself, or starving myself, or telling myself over and over how I wanted to die, a lot of it was a coping mechanism that probably could have been helped with some therapy, but now it's gone over the edge. I've gone too far.
Hope this makes sense
