Manaaja
euROPE
- Sep 10, 2018
- 1,382
At first I was told by a narcissistic psychopathic foreign psychiatrist that it's unnormal for 16 years old to be sad over their grandpa's death and sent to thought jail for a month.
Then when the nice and surprisingly nice and sane psychiatrist let me out after a month, the psychopath was really angry and disappointed and raged that the woman was an idiot for letting me ever out.
I continue to meet psychiatrists and psychologists for years.
One psychiatrist tests me. I don't make eye contact with him during the hour I'm with him. He says it's because I'm crazy. I fidget a lot. He says it's because I'm crazy. I'm constantly playing with my keys. He says it's because I'm crazy. He shows me a pic of a person with the biggest smile ever and asks me "Is he happy or sad?", I answer happy. He says I can't have asperger because there has never been a single asperger who could answer that extremely easy test with only two answers correctly. He says I'm crazy, writes "Unknown diagnosis but crazy." and tells me I have to spend the rest of my life eating crazy pills because I have an unidentified crazy disease.
Then several years later I read about asperger, I realize "I'm not crazy, I have asperger!". I tell my then current psychologist "I think I have asperger!". She answers "Yes, we already knew that!". I ask her why I wasn't told that I have asperger, and she says that it's not important for me to know that I have asperger.
I say I want to meet an asperger specialist and have a psychologist and psychiatrist who know about asperger, I'm told no.
I say I'm trans, they immediately write me 20 visits to an asperger specialist in order to convince me that I'm not trans.
I'm told I can never transition because I have asperger.
I'm told I can never adopt because I identify as trans.
I start to self-harm myself. I have never self-harmed myself before that. But now I give myself permanent brain, leg, stomach, leg, arm damage. I'm constantly covered in bruises and bleeding. I'm scared I'll kill and mutilate myself by self-harm. I want someone to hug me and help me.
I tell about my self-harm to someone and show them my bruises. She complains that I shouldn't have shown those bruises to her. If I self-harm it's my own personal business, and I shouldn't tell others about it. I just annoyed her.
I plan to kill myself.
I swear I'll one day be reborn in a better world in a cisbody. I swear I'll never ever trust anyone. I swear I'll always hate everyone. Fuck humans. I'm not a human. I can't be. I must be an alien. I'm willing to do anything to achieve my dreams.
Somewhere along the line I got a few assistants, but they only visited me once a week, they changed constantly, and most of them had no idea how to deal with asperger or ADD.
I can sadly never choose my assistants.
I can also never choose my psychologists, I'm given old sexist men who know nothing about what it's like to be a gay transman who isn't allowed to transition. They treat me like being gay or trans is just a mental illness or some modern fashion choice. I'm a gay man in a conversion therapy.
I am given a nice assistant. She's calm, polite, nice, intelligent and knows about ADD. I really like her. I hope she can be my assistant forever.
My country has a system where firms can fire old employees and hire new stuff to avoid paying higher wages. She gets fired despite being the only one who knows about ADD and asperger.
I'm given a shitty narcissist one. She constantly belittles me. She constantly complains about her own problems to me. She constantly tells me that my problems are made-up, asperger and ADD don't exist and that I'm just lazy and selfish. She never helps me with anything because she's only there to talk about herself and her own problems. She tells me that I can live perfectly fine without any help.
She starts to cancel our meetings. First it's because her back aches and she doesn't want to drive to my place (she is willing to drive to everyone else, but I live too faraway or so she says). My aunt (a medical professional) tells me that if her back aches she should stay at home and ask another person to come visit me. Then she starts to cancel more meetings just because she doesn't want to drive to my place.
The firm which employs her is situated literally a five minute walking distance (2 minutes by car) from my home. They could literally send any of their employees to meet me with a short notice. Someone could come here right now, spend 5 minutes with me, and go back to the HQ and it would only take 10 minutes of their time. But they won't. Because they don't give a shit about me.
I tell her I have money problems because the institution that pays me my money won't pay me anymore. She responds "There's not a single person here who's willing to help you cheat the system!". I get furious! I didn't ask her to help me cheat the system. I'm simply scared I'll go homeless, I'm scared I'll be unable to get money from anywhere and she responds like the biggest shithead ever. She tells me she'll now take a 3 week holiday and shuts down her phone. I'm left completely alone. No money. No income. No one to help me. Just my asperger, ADD and me. I'm sure I'll go homeless.
I find a mental health chat. I ask help from them. They agree that my assistant is a jerk and I need a real assistant who knows about asperger. They tell me to report that assistant to her boss so she could get fired. But my asperger makes it hard for me to do such a thing, so I don't.
I finally manage to solve the money problem and get income again. But I don't feel happy. I feel like a person who just survived a ship wreck. Scared, alone, with no idea what to do now. Only knowing that no one will ever help me. That I'm the only one who can ever help me, even if I am a young scared, little, trans gay asperger, ADD person who doesn't belong to this world. I speak more the the mental health chat and they keep encouraging me to defend my rights and demand an asperger helper and message various places. I'm too mentally tired and scared to do that.
The psychiatrist changes. I hated the old psychiatrists because they knew very little about asperger, but at least they gave sleeping pills (both melatonin and ketipinor) and a medicine for asperger (which I don't take because, like it is for most aspergers, medicines make me feel way worse, they just worsen my condition). And at least I only had to see them once a year.
This new one is the worst. He doesn't listen to me. He's really aggressive. He orders me around. He's a complete narcissist. He won't take "No" for an answer. He's from a muslim country. He treats me the same way old extremist Muslims treat girls. He speaks to me like I'm not even a human being. Like I'm just a doll to whom he can scream at and order around. He treats me like I have no say in anything. I feel like I'm a prisoner of Taliban. He also lies to me that there is no medicine for asperger (even though I have literally been given asperger medicine from many of the previous psychiatrists.). He tells me that I don't have asperger, I have depression.
I tell him "No, I don't have depression or if I have it's caused by this shitty health care system. I have asperger and ADD. I need an asperger specialist, an asperger assistant, I need doctors and psychologists who know about asperger. I have had several psychophysiology therapy sessions. I wish I could continue them. I also want to continue psychology sessions but with someone who understands gay, trans aspergers." Does he care? No, he completely ignores me. He screams "You have depression because I say so? Is that clear? You'll now start eating depression pills for the rest of your life. Is that clear?!".
He constantly orders me to buy new brain death pills and eat them. I tell them that during the 10 years I've been a patient I have eaten a variety of pills, none of them have worked (except for ketipinor and melatonin). He refuses to give me melatonin and ketipinor. He constantly calls me. He constantly harasses me. He won't leave me alone. I feel really scared and unsafe. I want to call the police and get him a restraining order. I have written to "help for women" institution (even though I'm a transman. I'm also planning to write to asperger institution. I hope someone will help me. Right now I'm too afraid to meet the psychologist or the psychiatrist. The psychiatrist, psychologist, the assistant, all three are people who should help me with my asperger. But instead they all pretend that I don't have asperger and treat me like shit. It's like they want me to kill myself.
I just wish I could have transitioned and gotten an asperger helper. Then I would probably be a professional artist, earning my own money, having enough money to buy a car and house from the countryside in a different country (maybe Japan? Maybe USA? Maybe a tropical country in Asia?). Probably have a lover. Maybe adopt a kid or two. Have two dogs. Start a new hobby. I have always wanted to learn to play piano and try digital music composition. I'd also like to learn coding and make a video game. I want to write a few stories too, maybe a book even.
Here's my life story. Or at least most of it. Here's why I joined this site. Why I am here today. Why I plan to ctb. And why I bear immense hatred towards psychiatrists. I hope I can ctb and go to a better world where I'm treated with respect and love.
Then when the nice and surprisingly nice and sane psychiatrist let me out after a month, the psychopath was really angry and disappointed and raged that the woman was an idiot for letting me ever out.
I continue to meet psychiatrists and psychologists for years.
One psychiatrist tests me. I don't make eye contact with him during the hour I'm with him. He says it's because I'm crazy. I fidget a lot. He says it's because I'm crazy. I'm constantly playing with my keys. He says it's because I'm crazy. He shows me a pic of a person with the biggest smile ever and asks me "Is he happy or sad?", I answer happy. He says I can't have asperger because there has never been a single asperger who could answer that extremely easy test with only two answers correctly. He says I'm crazy, writes "Unknown diagnosis but crazy." and tells me I have to spend the rest of my life eating crazy pills because I have an unidentified crazy disease.
Then several years later I read about asperger, I realize "I'm not crazy, I have asperger!". I tell my then current psychologist "I think I have asperger!". She answers "Yes, we already knew that!". I ask her why I wasn't told that I have asperger, and she says that it's not important for me to know that I have asperger.
I say I want to meet an asperger specialist and have a psychologist and psychiatrist who know about asperger, I'm told no.
I say I'm trans, they immediately write me 20 visits to an asperger specialist in order to convince me that I'm not trans.
I'm told I can never transition because I have asperger.
I'm told I can never adopt because I identify as trans.
I start to self-harm myself. I have never self-harmed myself before that. But now I give myself permanent brain, leg, stomach, leg, arm damage. I'm constantly covered in bruises and bleeding. I'm scared I'll kill and mutilate myself by self-harm. I want someone to hug me and help me.
I tell about my self-harm to someone and show them my bruises. She complains that I shouldn't have shown those bruises to her. If I self-harm it's my own personal business, and I shouldn't tell others about it. I just annoyed her.
I plan to kill myself.
I swear I'll one day be reborn in a better world in a cisbody. I swear I'll never ever trust anyone. I swear I'll always hate everyone. Fuck humans. I'm not a human. I can't be. I must be an alien. I'm willing to do anything to achieve my dreams.
Somewhere along the line I got a few assistants, but they only visited me once a week, they changed constantly, and most of them had no idea how to deal with asperger or ADD.
I can sadly never choose my assistants.
I can also never choose my psychologists, I'm given old sexist men who know nothing about what it's like to be a gay transman who isn't allowed to transition. They treat me like being gay or trans is just a mental illness or some modern fashion choice. I'm a gay man in a conversion therapy.
I am given a nice assistant. She's calm, polite, nice, intelligent and knows about ADD. I really like her. I hope she can be my assistant forever.
My country has a system where firms can fire old employees and hire new stuff to avoid paying higher wages. She gets fired despite being the only one who knows about ADD and asperger.
I'm given a shitty narcissist one. She constantly belittles me. She constantly complains about her own problems to me. She constantly tells me that my problems are made-up, asperger and ADD don't exist and that I'm just lazy and selfish. She never helps me with anything because she's only there to talk about herself and her own problems. She tells me that I can live perfectly fine without any help.
She starts to cancel our meetings. First it's because her back aches and she doesn't want to drive to my place (she is willing to drive to everyone else, but I live too faraway or so she says). My aunt (a medical professional) tells me that if her back aches she should stay at home and ask another person to come visit me. Then she starts to cancel more meetings just because she doesn't want to drive to my place.
The firm which employs her is situated literally a five minute walking distance (2 minutes by car) from my home. They could literally send any of their employees to meet me with a short notice. Someone could come here right now, spend 5 minutes with me, and go back to the HQ and it would only take 10 minutes of their time. But they won't. Because they don't give a shit about me.
I tell her I have money problems because the institution that pays me my money won't pay me anymore. She responds "There's not a single person here who's willing to help you cheat the system!". I get furious! I didn't ask her to help me cheat the system. I'm simply scared I'll go homeless, I'm scared I'll be unable to get money from anywhere and she responds like the biggest shithead ever. She tells me she'll now take a 3 week holiday and shuts down her phone. I'm left completely alone. No money. No income. No one to help me. Just my asperger, ADD and me. I'm sure I'll go homeless.
I find a mental health chat. I ask help from them. They agree that my assistant is a jerk and I need a real assistant who knows about asperger. They tell me to report that assistant to her boss so she could get fired. But my asperger makes it hard for me to do such a thing, so I don't.
I finally manage to solve the money problem and get income again. But I don't feel happy. I feel like a person who just survived a ship wreck. Scared, alone, with no idea what to do now. Only knowing that no one will ever help me. That I'm the only one who can ever help me, even if I am a young scared, little, trans gay asperger, ADD person who doesn't belong to this world. I speak more the the mental health chat and they keep encouraging me to defend my rights and demand an asperger helper and message various places. I'm too mentally tired and scared to do that.
The psychiatrist changes. I hated the old psychiatrists because they knew very little about asperger, but at least they gave sleeping pills (both melatonin and ketipinor) and a medicine for asperger (which I don't take because, like it is for most aspergers, medicines make me feel way worse, they just worsen my condition). And at least I only had to see them once a year.
This new one is the worst. He doesn't listen to me. He's really aggressive. He orders me around. He's a complete narcissist. He won't take "No" for an answer. He's from a muslim country. He treats me the same way old extremist Muslims treat girls. He speaks to me like I'm not even a human being. Like I'm just a doll to whom he can scream at and order around. He treats me like I have no say in anything. I feel like I'm a prisoner of Taliban. He also lies to me that there is no medicine for asperger (even though I have literally been given asperger medicine from many of the previous psychiatrists.). He tells me that I don't have asperger, I have depression.
I tell him "No, I don't have depression or if I have it's caused by this shitty health care system. I have asperger and ADD. I need an asperger specialist, an asperger assistant, I need doctors and psychologists who know about asperger. I have had several psychophysiology therapy sessions. I wish I could continue them. I also want to continue psychology sessions but with someone who understands gay, trans aspergers." Does he care? No, he completely ignores me. He screams "You have depression because I say so? Is that clear? You'll now start eating depression pills for the rest of your life. Is that clear?!".
He constantly orders me to buy new brain death pills and eat them. I tell them that during the 10 years I've been a patient I have eaten a variety of pills, none of them have worked (except for ketipinor and melatonin). He refuses to give me melatonin and ketipinor. He constantly calls me. He constantly harasses me. He won't leave me alone. I feel really scared and unsafe. I want to call the police and get him a restraining order. I have written to "help for women" institution (even though I'm a transman. I'm also planning to write to asperger institution. I hope someone will help me. Right now I'm too afraid to meet the psychologist or the psychiatrist. The psychiatrist, psychologist, the assistant, all three are people who should help me with my asperger. But instead they all pretend that I don't have asperger and treat me like shit. It's like they want me to kill myself.
I just wish I could have transitioned and gotten an asperger helper. Then I would probably be a professional artist, earning my own money, having enough money to buy a car and house from the countryside in a different country (maybe Japan? Maybe USA? Maybe a tropical country in Asia?). Probably have a lover. Maybe adopt a kid or two. Have two dogs. Start a new hobby. I have always wanted to learn to play piano and try digital music composition. I'd also like to learn coding and make a video game. I want to write a few stories too, maybe a book even.
Here's my life story. Or at least most of it. Here's why I joined this site. Why I am here today. Why I plan to ctb. And why I bear immense hatred towards psychiatrists. I hope I can ctb and go to a better world where I'm treated with respect and love.
