juneberry1234
Member
- Dec 10, 2023
- 12
About an hour ago I had a >30 minute conversation with my mother. It ended with me telling her I might be depressed. The first questions she asked me were are you going to hurt yourself? and, are you doing drugs? Both of these questions were a blow to my self-esteem, which for the past year has already dropped significantly. I told her I'm anxious about school where I'm going into my junior year of college and have switched my major 3 different times. Just because I go to a decent school doesn't mean everyone needs to have incredible expectations of me. Every time I think about it, I'm scared I'm going to fail or not find a job. I think about how everyone around me is way smarter, everyone around me has a strong and steady head on their shoulders. I feel like an outlier, I haven't felt myself in about 2 years and I don't know how to put that feeling into words. I can give reasons that about it that keep me up at night. More recently, I feel like life has been kicking me down week after week. I'm trying my hardest to just stay afloat but life is dragging me deeper and deeper. For about a month and a half I was sad, but I wasn't having any suicidal thoughts, then within the last 2 weeks they started up again and I began cutting myself after a 5 year hiatus, just to feel something. I'm not asking for life to be easy, I'm just asking to at least see something that I can strive for down the road. Most days I just feel so lonely and small, I told my mom that I'm losing friends. She said that's normal and that you just have to put yourself out there. Which is way easier said then done, she remembers a kid who had a bright smile on his face 24/7, who was extremely extroverted and willing to do anything. I've changed so much I don't recognize that person anymore. I just want to crawl into a ball and stop overthinking for once.
