Kiro_Yamikaze
Pathetic
- Feb 9, 2025
- 4
In this post, I'll be talking about my life, how I really feel, and my current plan. This post is not to encourage anyone to do anything based from what I've said. I may receive hate or sympathy, depends on how people take on this. I welcome it all as I can't disagree with any of your opinions. I also apologies for any grammar and spelling mistakes 
I was raised by my mother till the age of 8, my father (biological) was pretty violent: domestic violence and frequent arrest till his full imprisonment. I can't lie that I don't have any good memories with him, but it doesn't change how I ultimately feel about him. My parents weren't married, they were only together for a bit as I came unplanned from their hook up (My assumption since it seems the most logical). I did made some friends along the way, but it was only a short while when I moved to another country to live with my grandparents (Mother's side). They were very nice, in fact they spoiled me quite a bit (compared when my mother was with them). I was honestly a mischievous kid (I would get in trouble every now and then), though I did matured a little. That is having proper manners, during this time I was just enjoying life as I could. Of course, I am just a kid around this time. But I definitely had no real sense of motivation for society, which continues on today. In a couple years, my mother finally came to take me back. However, she was now married with someone else. I did have a bit of hiccups with this new dad, but we did resolved it especially with my mother. Overall it was going great, I even got 3 siblings with the coming years after this. Now, why am I here posting this? Well besides the trauma I had with my biological dad, I did vividly remember being sexually assaulted by my grandpa (Biological Father's side) when I was little. I can't guarantee this, but I know I wouldn't write this if those memories never stuck on me all these times. I have more things to state, but let's get to the story again. Going back to the new family, I'm now in my teens having to make new friends in a new country. Middle school and High school is as awkward as it seems, it honestly made me realize what type of person I can be when I "try" to be with people. I would split up to different groups having different personalities matching theirs, I have a adaptable personality. This skill allowed me to know how people are, but it made it harder for me to know who I am. In these groups, I wouldn't say I didn't laugh, smile, and talk with them. But I can say that I never felt genuine happiness. This wasn't till my late years of high school, where I finally found friends that I feel like I'm just me (Note: I am still friends with them to this day). Let's move on to relationships, I've actually had a couple of relationships since high school. I'm not trying to brag or anything like that, I feel that I must let this off my chest as well. Firstly, I will say that all of my relationships started with them confessing to me and all but two ended from them (The two was mutually agreement). Honestly, I was an asshole especially my first two relationships and I would probably say the same thing for the other two. My first ended with me being overprotective and toxic, I wouldn't I got this because of my father but lack of knowledge on her to be a partner. To this day I feel sorry for her, I shouldn't have treated her like that. But my overthinking took the better of me during that time. I'm thankful she ended it as I would hate for to continue to endure it. Surprisingly, the second relationship started a couple of months later when she found out I was single. Apparently, she liked before then since Freshmen year, but became distant after I was with the first. Around that time, I remember saying to her that we should be friends and get to know each other more instead of pursuing a relationship straight on. Before I go on, I do not blame her for any of this. She said the opposite, I gave in since I'm still broken from my first and want closure. As you can predict, it didn't go well. Good news though, she found someone new and is very happy. We did end up becoming friends again, but I decided to keep my distant for the both of us. The third one was pretty short as this was a long distant relationship, back when I living with my grandparents (mother's side) I went to school over there. I was the foreign kid there, so naturally everyone wanted to get to know me. I wouldn't I was a popular guy, but someone many knew to the point they found my socials after I moved. Back to the topic, she hmu and talked for a bit. One night I caught her sending confessions (this was on ig where you can send and unsend messages), I guess you can already tell that in all my relationships I gave in to all of these girls. This one ended due the distance and busy schedules we had, so we mutually ended it. For my last relationship it was a sad one tbh, she was going through family problems, drinking, having no real friends, and suicidal thoughts. During this time, I wasn't incline these ideas, but I wasn't fully against it either. We started as friends for about year, where she then confessed to me. Although, I didn't have genuine feelings for her (At the time). But I didn't want her to go back the way she was, I forgot to say that after the second relationship I told that girl that I don't think I actually had feelings but need closure to help the first relationship. Back onto the last girl, I will say that I started having feelings for her as we progressed. I introduced her to my friends and invited her to a discord server that another friend and I made, so that she had other people to talk to. Some time progressed, and she able to go back to school, find a career she wants to pursue, and made her own friends. I was happy for her, she was able to move on and start a better life. How did end? Well we both became busy and we wouldn't talk as much, one night she called me that she wanted to end it cause of this, I agreed and that's the end of my relationships. Looking back, the reason I say that I'm an asshole is because of my overthinking/love for them. That's leads me to become overprotective and toxic, I did tone this down quite with the third and fourth relationship. However, I still feel like I could do better, I could've treated them better. I didn't think I'd write that much for my relationships, but damnn. Fast forwarding, I went into community college, got a part-time job on the side, and a licensed with a car (My last two relationships were during these times). After a couple of years later, I earned my associates and transferred a university, while moving to different jobs and getting a new car (I hydroplaned my first car
). I think I should get on to the topic now, why am I here? From the amount of stress that been building up. What stress? Stress of school, stress of work, stress for my family, stress of doing the right thing, stress on fucking up, stress of not being enough, stress on my stupidity, it just goes on. Oh yeah, I received two speeding tickets cause I was stupid haha. First one cause I was late for work and the second to create distance with a truck. Are these the sole reason? Nah, going back I really had no passion in anything. Yeah sure, I had a job, friends, education, and family. BUT, how they see me is not how I really feel. I feel empty, like all I've done is complete rubbish and idiotic mistakes. Yes, I know. Humans make mistakes and it's natural. I'm sorry, I can't keep thinking of being positive like that when I get so much stress with almost all situations now becoming negative. Jeez, I really hate myself. Of course, I can't blame any of you if you think I'm just be overdramatic and should relax and take it easy. Don't I have any hobbies or things I enjoy? Yeah, but they're only short burst of dopamine that keeps me staying. Especially when it comes toward gaming, anime, and reading as I can immerse myself into their world thinking another life I could have rather than the reality I am in. With that said, I think I expressed all the main points I wanted to. This is getting pretty long already haha.
Currently feel:
Well from my story/rant you can take that I feel no sense of value in this world/society. I feel bad for my friends and family. I didn't want to burden them with how I am and feel cause maybe it could affect them as well. And more than likely they'll get traumatized for what happens next. I know I'll feel guilty for this, but I need to do this regardless if it's selfish. All I hope is that they'll be able to move on without me and do what they have passion in
.
My Plan:
If it's not obvious, then yeah I'm ending myself. How it'll go will depend on outside:
- Full suspension on a tree isolated from everyone (I'd rather not have my family walk in my room with my corpse there). I tried testing partial but felt that my SI would kick in heavily.
- Will use gloves, padding (handkerchief), mouth guard, soap, and an eye mask. Bulky gloves to prevent my SI to stop me, the padding to help ease the pain, the mouth guard to not bite my tongue, the soap is make sure the knot tightens further, the eye mask is still a maybe for me honestly.
- I'll definitely need to make sure the tree and the rope (3/4 in Manila rope) can support my weight.
- I'll need to ensure the the knots on the anchor point and neck point (idk what it's called) is secured and won't loosen.
- The tree I'm planning to go to is a plot of land between neighborhood, though it's a bit dense so I could go during the night and stay at the center point without anyone seeing.
- If that tree isn't right, then I plan to go to the forest and find better trees there. Will probably uber or lift there, so that my parents and have my car for whatever they want.
- It either ends tonight with the isolated trees or tomorrow at the forest.
- I think I'll also send scheduled messages to my friends and leave a note for my family before leaving.
- I'll probably listen to some anime music as I take my leap of faith.
Honestly, I hoping this plan goes how I expect. The two outcomes would be either death or in a coma, as at least then I'm in an endless sleep then.
Other thoughts:
I've always wondered what happens after death, as weeb myself I can only hope it'll be like getting isekai-ed (Reincarnation). But who knows really. Maybe the next life, I can do better and feel like I'm worth staying alive.
If you read up to this point, my deepest appreciation for you. I wish everyone the best with whatever path you guys go with! Again, I apologize for any grammar and spelling mistake, I probably have some things that doesn't make any sense either. I didn't realize I wrote over 2000 words lol, that's quite a bit and I still had more to say. But I think I've said enough haha. You guys are more than welcome to send any criticisms or support, I appreciate it all. I may be able to reply to some depending on the time and if I have any signal at my location (not at the forest unfortunately). Welp, bye bye
I was raised by my mother till the age of 8, my father (biological) was pretty violent: domestic violence and frequent arrest till his full imprisonment. I can't lie that I don't have any good memories with him, but it doesn't change how I ultimately feel about him. My parents weren't married, they were only together for a bit as I came unplanned from their hook up (My assumption since it seems the most logical). I did made some friends along the way, but it was only a short while when I moved to another country to live with my grandparents (Mother's side). They were very nice, in fact they spoiled me quite a bit (compared when my mother was with them). I was honestly a mischievous kid (I would get in trouble every now and then), though I did matured a little. That is having proper manners, during this time I was just enjoying life as I could. Of course, I am just a kid around this time. But I definitely had no real sense of motivation for society, which continues on today. In a couple years, my mother finally came to take me back. However, she was now married with someone else. I did have a bit of hiccups with this new dad, but we did resolved it especially with my mother. Overall it was going great, I even got 3 siblings with the coming years after this. Now, why am I here posting this? Well besides the trauma I had with my biological dad, I did vividly remember being sexually assaulted by my grandpa (Biological Father's side) when I was little. I can't guarantee this, but I know I wouldn't write this if those memories never stuck on me all these times. I have more things to state, but let's get to the story again. Going back to the new family, I'm now in my teens having to make new friends in a new country. Middle school and High school is as awkward as it seems, it honestly made me realize what type of person I can be when I "try" to be with people. I would split up to different groups having different personalities matching theirs, I have a adaptable personality. This skill allowed me to know how people are, but it made it harder for me to know who I am. In these groups, I wouldn't say I didn't laugh, smile, and talk with them. But I can say that I never felt genuine happiness. This wasn't till my late years of high school, where I finally found friends that I feel like I'm just me (Note: I am still friends with them to this day). Let's move on to relationships, I've actually had a couple of relationships since high school. I'm not trying to brag or anything like that, I feel that I must let this off my chest as well. Firstly, I will say that all of my relationships started with them confessing to me and all but two ended from them (The two was mutually agreement). Honestly, I was an asshole especially my first two relationships and I would probably say the same thing for the other two. My first ended with me being overprotective and toxic, I wouldn't I got this because of my father but lack of knowledge on her to be a partner. To this day I feel sorry for her, I shouldn't have treated her like that. But my overthinking took the better of me during that time. I'm thankful she ended it as I would hate for to continue to endure it. Surprisingly, the second relationship started a couple of months later when she found out I was single. Apparently, she liked before then since Freshmen year, but became distant after I was with the first. Around that time, I remember saying to her that we should be friends and get to know each other more instead of pursuing a relationship straight on. Before I go on, I do not blame her for any of this. She said the opposite, I gave in since I'm still broken from my first and want closure. As you can predict, it didn't go well. Good news though, she found someone new and is very happy. We did end up becoming friends again, but I decided to keep my distant for the both of us. The third one was pretty short as this was a long distant relationship, back when I living with my grandparents (mother's side) I went to school over there. I was the foreign kid there, so naturally everyone wanted to get to know me. I wouldn't I was a popular guy, but someone many knew to the point they found my socials after I moved. Back to the topic, she hmu and talked for a bit. One night I caught her sending confessions (this was on ig where you can send and unsend messages), I guess you can already tell that in all my relationships I gave in to all of these girls. This one ended due the distance and busy schedules we had, so we mutually ended it. For my last relationship it was a sad one tbh, she was going through family problems, drinking, having no real friends, and suicidal thoughts. During this time, I wasn't incline these ideas, but I wasn't fully against it either. We started as friends for about year, where she then confessed to me. Although, I didn't have genuine feelings for her (At the time). But I didn't want her to go back the way she was, I forgot to say that after the second relationship I told that girl that I don't think I actually had feelings but need closure to help the first relationship. Back onto the last girl, I will say that I started having feelings for her as we progressed. I introduced her to my friends and invited her to a discord server that another friend and I made, so that she had other people to talk to. Some time progressed, and she able to go back to school, find a career she wants to pursue, and made her own friends. I was happy for her, she was able to move on and start a better life. How did end? Well we both became busy and we wouldn't talk as much, one night she called me that she wanted to end it cause of this, I agreed and that's the end of my relationships. Looking back, the reason I say that I'm an asshole is because of my overthinking/love for them. That's leads me to become overprotective and toxic, I did tone this down quite with the third and fourth relationship. However, I still feel like I could do better, I could've treated them better. I didn't think I'd write that much for my relationships, but damnn. Fast forwarding, I went into community college, got a part-time job on the side, and a licensed with a car (My last two relationships were during these times). After a couple of years later, I earned my associates and transferred a university, while moving to different jobs and getting a new car (I hydroplaned my first car
). I think I should get on to the topic now, why am I here? From the amount of stress that been building up. What stress? Stress of school, stress of work, stress for my family, stress of doing the right thing, stress on fucking up, stress of not being enough, stress on my stupidity, it just goes on. Oh yeah, I received two speeding tickets cause I was stupid haha. First one cause I was late for work and the second to create distance with a truck. Are these the sole reason? Nah, going back I really had no passion in anything. Yeah sure, I had a job, friends, education, and family. BUT, how they see me is not how I really feel. I feel empty, like all I've done is complete rubbish and idiotic mistakes. Yes, I know. Humans make mistakes and it's natural. I'm sorry, I can't keep thinking of being positive like that when I get so much stress with almost all situations now becoming negative. Jeez, I really hate myself. Of course, I can't blame any of you if you think I'm just be overdramatic and should relax and take it easy. Don't I have any hobbies or things I enjoy? Yeah, but they're only short burst of dopamine that keeps me staying. Especially when it comes toward gaming, anime, and reading as I can immerse myself into their world thinking another life I could have rather than the reality I am in. With that said, I think I expressed all the main points I wanted to. This is getting pretty long already haha.Currently feel:
Well from my story/rant you can take that I feel no sense of value in this world/society. I feel bad for my friends and family. I didn't want to burden them with how I am and feel cause maybe it could affect them as well. And more than likely they'll get traumatized for what happens next. I know I'll feel guilty for this, but I need to do this regardless if it's selfish. All I hope is that they'll be able to move on without me and do what they have passion in
.My Plan:
If it's not obvious, then yeah I'm ending myself. How it'll go will depend on outside:
- Full suspension on a tree isolated from everyone (I'd rather not have my family walk in my room with my corpse there). I tried testing partial but felt that my SI would kick in heavily.
- Will use gloves, padding (handkerchief), mouth guard, soap, and an eye mask. Bulky gloves to prevent my SI to stop me, the padding to help ease the pain, the mouth guard to not bite my tongue, the soap is make sure the knot tightens further, the eye mask is still a maybe for me honestly.
- I'll definitely need to make sure the tree and the rope (3/4 in Manila rope) can support my weight.
- I'll need to ensure the the knots on the anchor point and neck point (idk what it's called) is secured and won't loosen.
- The tree I'm planning to go to is a plot of land between neighborhood, though it's a bit dense so I could go during the night and stay at the center point without anyone seeing.
- If that tree isn't right, then I plan to go to the forest and find better trees there. Will probably uber or lift there, so that my parents and have my car for whatever they want.
- It either ends tonight with the isolated trees or tomorrow at the forest.
- I think I'll also send scheduled messages to my friends and leave a note for my family before leaving.
- I'll probably listen to some anime music as I take my leap of faith.
Honestly, I hoping this plan goes how I expect. The two outcomes would be either death or in a coma, as at least then I'm in an endless sleep then.
Other thoughts:
I've always wondered what happens after death, as weeb myself I can only hope it'll be like getting isekai-ed (Reincarnation). But who knows really. Maybe the next life, I can do better and feel like I'm worth staying alive.
If you read up to this point, my deepest appreciation for you. I wish everyone the best with whatever path you guys go with! Again, I apologize for any grammar and spelling mistake, I probably have some things that doesn't make any sense either. I didn't realize I wrote over 2000 words lol, that's quite a bit and I still had more to say. But I think I've said enough haha. You guys are more than welcome to send any criticisms or support, I appreciate it all. I may be able to reply to some depending on the time and if I have any signal at my location (not at the forest unfortunately). Welp, bye bye
