flyingrabbitt
Member
- Jun 28, 2023
- 45
I've only been here a short while but I feel safe enough here to talk about my trauma when I haven't done so before. if you're going to comment saying I'm making things up, do it but be creative otherwise it gets boring.
So I was born to very young parents (20-21) who already had my older brother when they were (17-18), my father was part of an abusive group that I will get into in a moment, but when I was one and a half my entire immediate family immigrated to another country in search of work which was found however my father also turned to alcoholism around this time.
Now remember the group I mentioned? They were a group that takes children and abuses them into developing dissociated parts (DID) in order to cover the abuse happening to said child, the different parts are then conditioned using trauma based mind control (tbmc) to develop whatever behaviours the abusers want. This is called programming. I believe this started around 2 years old but I have no memory to confirm or deny when it started.
In my case a lot of it was sexual, I have parts who are young children who believe they are animals because of constant dehumanisation and abuse if they acted human, they respond very sexually to most things and see themselves as sex objects. These were used for sex trafficking.
I also have religious parts who believe they are the lamb of god and need to carry our cult leader's children and will die if they birth a girl instead of the boy who is supposed to be the second coming of christ.
And finally I have abuser parts, or programmer parts, who exist to make sure other parts are staying in with what the role they were assigned to requires and retraumatise parts internally if they dare step out of line. These parts were used to hurt both my parts and other children.
My father was obviously involved with this group but so were my schools and hospitals. My mother had no idea but she was neglectful and in an abusive marriage to my father which caused her to not notice the signs of abuse I displayed. My father took me to places in order to be trafficked and sexually abused me himself while also being emotionally abusive when my mother was around to maintain his authority. A lot of my abuse took place in a hospital or otherwise medical setting, I was drugged a lot in order to be easier to traumatise and influence, they had to be careful not to leave too many obvious marks because it would raise red flags.
From a very young age my body was being prepared to be abused, I had my parts stretched out so they wouldn't tear and the sexual parts were taught how to pleasure others whilst ignoring their own needs, if they didn't perform well enough they'd be denied basic needs like food and water. A lot of my sexual parts view our abuser as a god of some kind and worship him because he provided basic necessities whenever said parts behaved and were good.
These parts were used in not only in person sex trafficking but were also recorded and had those videos sold to god knows who, a lot of them can't handle bright lights or flash because it reminds them of being recorded and sends them into horrible flashbacks.
They were also used in very 'creative' abuse like hunts, they'd send out a bunch of children who were told they'd be killed if they were caught but in reality they'd be raped and otherwise humiliated for it. Another one was 'dog fights' where children who had animal parts who believed they're dogs would fight each other for the entertainment of abusers. It was awful.
Religious parts were used in rituals around Christian holidays, as stereotypical as it shoulds a lot of murder happened in this specifically around easter. Raping newborns to death wasn't uncommon in this and we'd often have to drink blood or the cult leaders piss/cum. The parts were told that if they sinned their blood would become impure and therefore had to always obey the teachings of our cult leader.
I guess the most difficult part to talk about would be the programmer parts because it involves a lot of forced perpetration that I'm deeply ashamed of but since I was very young my group caught on to me being an autistic savant (not like genius smart though lol) and decided I will become a programmer when I grow up and started training me for the role very early on. I was taught various methods on how to abuse and induce DID in children (which are very horrific btw) which I then had to use on children in order to gain "practical skills." I was very good at it and took pride in how I abused people back then including sexually abusing them but keep in mind I was a child well under the age of 14 (age I got out).
Now a days I see a therapist who specialises in this type of trauma and she's lovely however all of this pain and suffering still exists within me and manifests as constant migraines, chronic psychosomatic pain, endometriosis, homebound agoraphobia and of course dissociative identity disorder which is possibly the worst disorder one can develop with severe cptsd being etched into every second I'm alive.
So I was born to very young parents (20-21) who already had my older brother when they were (17-18), my father was part of an abusive group that I will get into in a moment, but when I was one and a half my entire immediate family immigrated to another country in search of work which was found however my father also turned to alcoholism around this time.
Now remember the group I mentioned? They were a group that takes children and abuses them into developing dissociated parts (DID) in order to cover the abuse happening to said child, the different parts are then conditioned using trauma based mind control (tbmc) to develop whatever behaviours the abusers want. This is called programming. I believe this started around 2 years old but I have no memory to confirm or deny when it started.
In my case a lot of it was sexual, I have parts who are young children who believe they are animals because of constant dehumanisation and abuse if they acted human, they respond very sexually to most things and see themselves as sex objects. These were used for sex trafficking.
I also have religious parts who believe they are the lamb of god and need to carry our cult leader's children and will die if they birth a girl instead of the boy who is supposed to be the second coming of christ.
And finally I have abuser parts, or programmer parts, who exist to make sure other parts are staying in with what the role they were assigned to requires and retraumatise parts internally if they dare step out of line. These parts were used to hurt both my parts and other children.
My father was obviously involved with this group but so were my schools and hospitals. My mother had no idea but she was neglectful and in an abusive marriage to my father which caused her to not notice the signs of abuse I displayed. My father took me to places in order to be trafficked and sexually abused me himself while also being emotionally abusive when my mother was around to maintain his authority. A lot of my abuse took place in a hospital or otherwise medical setting, I was drugged a lot in order to be easier to traumatise and influence, they had to be careful not to leave too many obvious marks because it would raise red flags.
From a very young age my body was being prepared to be abused, I had my parts stretched out so they wouldn't tear and the sexual parts were taught how to pleasure others whilst ignoring their own needs, if they didn't perform well enough they'd be denied basic needs like food and water. A lot of my sexual parts view our abuser as a god of some kind and worship him because he provided basic necessities whenever said parts behaved and were good.
These parts were used in not only in person sex trafficking but were also recorded and had those videos sold to god knows who, a lot of them can't handle bright lights or flash because it reminds them of being recorded and sends them into horrible flashbacks.
They were also used in very 'creative' abuse like hunts, they'd send out a bunch of children who were told they'd be killed if they were caught but in reality they'd be raped and otherwise humiliated for it. Another one was 'dog fights' where children who had animal parts who believed they're dogs would fight each other for the entertainment of abusers. It was awful.
Religious parts were used in rituals around Christian holidays, as stereotypical as it shoulds a lot of murder happened in this specifically around easter. Raping newborns to death wasn't uncommon in this and we'd often have to drink blood or the cult leaders piss/cum. The parts were told that if they sinned their blood would become impure and therefore had to always obey the teachings of our cult leader.
I guess the most difficult part to talk about would be the programmer parts because it involves a lot of forced perpetration that I'm deeply ashamed of but since I was very young my group caught on to me being an autistic savant (not like genius smart though lol) and decided I will become a programmer when I grow up and started training me for the role very early on. I was taught various methods on how to abuse and induce DID in children (which are very horrific btw) which I then had to use on children in order to gain "practical skills." I was very good at it and took pride in how I abused people back then including sexually abusing them but keep in mind I was a child well under the age of 14 (age I got out).
Now a days I see a therapist who specialises in this type of trauma and she's lovely however all of this pain and suffering still exists within me and manifests as constant migraines, chronic psychosomatic pain, endometriosis, homebound agoraphobia and of course dissociative identity disorder which is possibly the worst disorder one can develop with severe cptsd being etched into every second I'm alive.
