sxixl.
Numb
- Sep 22, 2023
- 9
Im sorry if alot doesn't make sense (I'm rambling) I'm high, drunk, and have been crying for the last 3 hours over my ex gf that I broke up with in April, she meant the world to me but my and her trauma in our lives made the relationship really rocky at times, she'd yell at me a lot but I knew she loved me and she'd apologize for it but it eventually became me defending myself by yelling back and then I was seen as the problem and apparently I'm the one who deserves no contact and told to pay her 20$ in the middle of having a mental breakdown a few months ago to talk to her while actively planning my ctb .
My whole life has been miserable; being bullied from preschool to late middle school, haunted by being groomed online from 14-15, being transgender and being hated for it just because I "dare" change my body when I don't feel male, I'm miserable with being born male, hate everything about being masculine, and have been told my whole life I don't even act like a male. (I don't why I'm trying to prove how "trans" I am, I'm literally just a woman stuck in a males body.), I've never fit in anywhere in my life, the reason why I'm mentioning all of this is because with my ex gf that I was with for 2 years I finally felt happy and like I had a purpose, I wasn't even supposed to make it past the age of 16, I had my will already written at 15. I've lived my whole life after 16 with no purpose, too afraid to ctb, just aimlessly living. Until I met her when I was 17, I finally felt like I had someone who understood me, who cared for me deeply, who just genuinely loved me for who I was. I had all my intimate firsts with her and she's the first girlfriend I had who I got to actually meet and see multiple times in person. I felt like I finally got my miserable life solved, yeah I was still depressed through a lot of it but atleast I could've died knowing that I was finally somewhat happy during those two years. I broke up with her because the long distance was extremely hard to put up with and it was making me fall out of love and I deeply regret not holding out. I lost the person who I finally trusted fully and I can't live with myself, I can't do this anymore. I don't think I'm gonna make it another few months, I have 50$ to my name, I'm unemployed and haven't been able to find a job for the last 3 months, I can only cope with my life with weed, nicotine, and cigarettes. It's only a matter of time till my mom kicks me out and I just end up a homeless drug addict. I'm so tired of this life, I'm so tired of waking up. I feel like I'm a bother to everyone around me and I just can't get better no matter how hard I try. I have my ctb planned, it'll either be jumping or over the counter pills. (if anyone knows what I can get please comment) I'm trying to hang onto any happiness I can find anymore but I truly don't think I have much more strength in me. - W (she/her) 20 yrs old
My whole life has been miserable; being bullied from preschool to late middle school, haunted by being groomed online from 14-15, being transgender and being hated for it just because I "dare" change my body when I don't feel male, I'm miserable with being born male, hate everything about being masculine, and have been told my whole life I don't even act like a male. (I don't why I'm trying to prove how "trans" I am, I'm literally just a woman stuck in a males body.), I've never fit in anywhere in my life, the reason why I'm mentioning all of this is because with my ex gf that I was with for 2 years I finally felt happy and like I had a purpose, I wasn't even supposed to make it past the age of 16, I had my will already written at 15. I've lived my whole life after 16 with no purpose, too afraid to ctb, just aimlessly living. Until I met her when I was 17, I finally felt like I had someone who understood me, who cared for me deeply, who just genuinely loved me for who I was. I had all my intimate firsts with her and she's the first girlfriend I had who I got to actually meet and see multiple times in person. I felt like I finally got my miserable life solved, yeah I was still depressed through a lot of it but atleast I could've died knowing that I was finally somewhat happy during those two years. I broke up with her because the long distance was extremely hard to put up with and it was making me fall out of love and I deeply regret not holding out. I lost the person who I finally trusted fully and I can't live with myself, I can't do this anymore. I don't think I'm gonna make it another few months, I have 50$ to my name, I'm unemployed and haven't been able to find a job for the last 3 months, I can only cope with my life with weed, nicotine, and cigarettes. It's only a matter of time till my mom kicks me out and I just end up a homeless drug addict. I'm so tired of this life, I'm so tired of waking up. I feel like I'm a bother to everyone around me and I just can't get better no matter how hard I try. I have my ctb planned, it'll either be jumping or over the counter pills. (if anyone knows what I can get please comment) I'm trying to hang onto any happiness I can find anymore but I truly don't think I have much more strength in me. - W (she/her) 20 yrs old
