Venting my life is going to shit

[serah]

most of my friends no longer talk to me. it was my fault. got overly angry over a tiny thing and decided to leave the groupchat and never got added back. which has spiraled into me feeling like i guess i didn't matter to any of them even though it was my fault in the first place. haven't taken my meds in months, i feel everything going to shit. i've been putting the bare minimum of effort into all my classes, i'm failing quite a lot of them/behind on classwork. and i feel so discouraged to do or fix anything. god i really want to die. i feel so alone, i deserve to be since im a horrible person. im complicated to be with and not an easy friend. i end up finding people to have 1-2 day conversations with until i end up blocking them because i feel as though they don't care about me, i feel like im constantly trying to fill a void with other people that is simply my own emptiness. i don't know why im alive, and i cant find a reason to continue to be. my mother still berates me over my mental health, she mocks me, as if i'm making everything up. i feel like crap because of it, she says she understands yet makes me feel as though im just being dramatic. im a horrible person. i feel so empty. i want someone to love me, but i'm not worth loving so i feel guilty for asking for something im not deserving of. i have so many problems i can fix yet id rather rot away my days doing nothing, i feel like im watching everyone pass me by, but im such a disgustingly lazy person that i dont even care. sometimes i look back on all my posts and laugh, i come here and complain about the same things, my mood swings, my loneliness, my inability to socialize with others, the emptiness i feel, my suicidal ideation, how much the only thing id want is for someone to love me, yet can't bring myself to fix any of it. im truly not deserving of anything. im waiting to find the courage to finally ctb.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I'm sorry. When I heard you found a job I thought your life had taken a turn for the better.

Have you tried to reach back out to your friends and apologize?

What led you to quit taking your meds?

I commiserate with school because I know it is so hard to do when you're struggling mentally and it's already a very hard thing to do as is. Have you gotten any support with that at school?

I understand you are inclined to dislike yourself but being a complex person doesn't make you horrible.

I know it is also hard to deprogram parental abuse but your mother's treatment of you and your mental health issues is only a reflection of her.

, i come here and complain about the same things, my mood swings, my loneliness, my inability to socialize with others, the emptiness i feel, my suicidal ideation, how much the only thing id want is for someone to love me, yet can't bring myself to fix any of it. im truly not deserving of anything. im waiting to find the courage to finally ctb.

It's how it is for a lot of us. Stuck in limbo unable to make progress either with living or dying.

 

[serah]

I'm sorry. When I heard you found a job I thought your life had taken a turn for the better.

Have you tried to reach back out to your friends and apologize?

What led you to quit taking your meds?

I commiserate with school because I know it is so hard to do when you're struggling mentally and it's already a very hard thing to do as is. Have you gotten any support with that at school?

I understand you are inclined to dislike yourself but being a complex person doesn't make you horrible.

I know it is also hard to deprogram parental abuse but your mother's treatment of you and your mental health issues is only a reflection of her.


It's how it is for a lot of us. Stuck in limbo unable to make progress either with living or dying.

i havent really, spoke to one of them and they didn't seem upset with me or anything. feels useless to go back when i felt out of place in it anyways. i dont currently attend school, just some online classes. and as to not taking my meds i've had a bad habit of no longer taking them when i feel like they're not working, which is my mistake. im currently waiting to get a new medication but having issues with my psychiatrist so im just gonna hold on till i can get a new medication.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

i havent really, spoke to one of them and they didn't seem upset with me or anything. feels useless to go back when i felt out of place in it anyways. i dont currently attend school, just some online classes. and as to not taking my meds i've had a bad habit of no longer taking them when i feel like they're not working, which is my mistake. im currently waiting to get a new medication but having issues with my psychiatrist so im just gonna hold on till i can get a new medication.

What kinds of issues?

You managed to find a job and to keep it. That's no mean feat.

 

[OICU812]

i want someone to love me, but i'm not worth loving

This line right here sums up my entire life. There are so many relationships I screwed up, sometimes on purpose, just to be alone again. Then I wonder why I'm so lonely. It's a vicious, never-ending cycle. I'm like that chocolate Easter bunny which looks fine on the outside, but breaks easily and is hollow and empty on the inside.

 

[serah]

What kinds of issues?

You managed to find a job and to keep it. That's no mean feat.

just issues with making appointments, our meeting has been delayed almost a month because of these kinds of issues, im looking to find a new place where hopefully its closer to home and easier to meet with.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

just issues with making appointments, our meeting has been delayed almost a month because of these kinds of issues, im looking to find a new place where hopefully its closer to home and easier to meet with.

Do you think it would be in your interest to just get back on your medications? I've been on psych meds my whole life so I know what a pain they are.