Venting My life has just been an absurd string of disappointments and I'm ready to end it

[real_hollow]

My whole life has been a pointless rollercoaster that keeps going down and only goes up just enough to give some illusion that hey - maybe things are about to get better. But they never do. I've spent my whole life in some weird liminal zone, constantly "neither here no there", always on the outskirts. Every time I feel like I'm actually getting somewhere, there's always something outside my control that ruins it and makes it fall apart, no matter how hard I try.

I turn 30 in two months, and what do I have to show for it?

• I still live at home since I only managed to find a proper, well-paying job at 29 because the market is trash for my profession, especially in my second-world shithole of a country. Apartment prices are insane, more than doubled since COVID. It would be years before I could even consider moving out, before I could have enough for a down payment for a manageable mortgage.
• I could lose my job due to the likely impending recession, the downsizing already started. The first good job I managed to land in a 10-year joke of a career, and I could lose it in a blink if some suit who's already settled for life decides I'm redundant.
• My relationship of 9 years just ended. We had a once-in-a-lifetime love, and now I will be left behind, replaced, and forgotten.
• I am alone, isolated, have no real friends at this point because everyone either moved, drifted away, or fucked things up one way or another.
• My health isn't great, I've been unable to lose some excess weight for months, despite going back to a training routine and cutting unhealthy stuff from my diet.

I think I'm a good person, but I can also be a spiteful, selfish bastard. Maybe I deserve all this. I wasted my life, some of it was my fault, some of it wasn't. There is nothing I want to do with it at this point. For the longest time, I wanted to be a novelist and had all sorts of ideas brewing since I was like 12, but I never had the time or the energy to properly work on any of it, and now, I just don't have the motivation to even try. Now, even when I succeed at something, it feels like a failure, so what's even the point? Even if by some miracle I produce a smash hit, what does it matter? Who do I have to share that success with? A part of me really wants to take all those notes and drafts to the grave, like I don't want a part of me living on.

I have thought about suicide for years, but I always held out hope that things might eventually get better and sort themselves out. I give up now. I'm just not fit for this world and I want out. Already wrote a note and a "will" for my stuff and what little savings I have. I ordered a few tourniquets and ropes, probably the best methods I have access to now. The only alternative is jumping from my 11-story office building, but from what I read, it's not high enough to guarantee a quick lights out as there's always a chance I could land on my feet and just cripple myself. Hopefully the tourniquet or partial hanging will go fine.

It feels funny -- I've been thinking about it for so long but it's only now that I'm materializing it and actually taking concrete steps to do it. It feels good to have the end in sight. Thanks for reading, if you did.

 

[whywere]

Reading your thread, reminds me of me, in a different way BUT the same feelings.

I was kicked out the day after I turned 18, homeless and hungry and sunk in my thoughts and emotions. I, with the help of a good friend whose folks took me in and feed and housed me to get started, worked through so many thoughts.

I live in the U.S., and I just read an article about how so many folks are living with their parents because of the economy, price of housing and a mirid of other economic issues.

Also, with orange face in the White House here in the U.S. the economy, I think, is NOT going to do very well, unless orange face steps aside and lets folks do their jobs in government.

The upshot of all of this is that you are still young, smart and kind and you are stable and that is great.

I had a wife who decided that slot machines were like food and went nuts, a gambling addict, and I had to move on. I am 69, and have no family nor friends, BUT I have friends on here and when I retire next year, I am going to see the world and who knows who I might bump onto for a new friend. Same with you, the old saying: there are more pebbles on the beach" goes for men and women, as far as never say never. You never know when that happen per chance meeting comes along and BANG! you have a new person in your life.

Having to lose a few pounds is part of life, I feel for a lot of folks including me. I live with 24/7 chronic pain and life is still good overall.

You are smart, lovable, kind, caring and have so much going for you, you really do. I look back through the decades and always tell myself that there always are beautiful and wonderous sun rises and sun sets and everything in between and I wish the very best for you with so many adventures waiting for you, I REALLY believe this.

Hugs, well wishes and sunny blue skies to you my good friend.

Walter

 

[StupidCat]

Sounds relatable. I was somewhat scraping by with my ventures but now orange reatrd fucked my business so bad that I don't think I will recover. I have also chosen the worst possible timing to invest in the stock market and it screw me over although that's mostly ny fault. I wanted to achieve financial independence so I could pour time into my hobbies and passions but I messed up.
I also wanted to be a novelist, in fact the first novel I attempted to write was when I was 12. I still keep those manuscripts in the hope I could finish them sometime. But I just ran out of hope.