Venting My life has been full of heartbreak

[BlueButterfly111]

All I wanted from the beginning was to love, and to be loved. I tried to be a good person, but I had a lot of bad things happen to me.

The kids at school would always bully me, which really hurt me because I just wanted to have friends. My dad was never in my life, and never made any effort to see me, even though he only lived 30 minutes away from me. I was basically abandoned by mom as a teenager, the only person that I thought cared about me, for a man that treats her horribly. It was just me and her my whole life, how could she just abandon me for a random guy who treated both of us horribly? I felt so, so lonely for so many years.

Then I met this older guy who I lost my virginity to who I thought I was in love with. But it turns out he was just a serial cheater, and I even walked into the room while he was having sex with someone. And he basically cheated on me multiple times. Then that caused me to basically go on a destructive path of trying to be in different relationships, basically wanting to be loved, but none of them ever worked out, and all of them were never that interested in me or were using me.

Then I met a wonderful, lovely, man who I connected with instantly. And ever since I met him I finally felt loved and safe and cared for. It felt like he was my soulmate, like it literally felt as though our souls were connected. He was so perfect, just thinking of how he was makes me cry. He felt like a home, I found a home in a person. He pulled me out of the dark place that I was in, and showed me so much love. I was finally happy. We had a beautiful fairytale type of romance for almost a year. THEN HE DIED!!!!! 7 months ago Was this my fault? What did I do to deserve this? Him dying has completely destroyed me and has broken my heart completely.

I have nothing but emptiness left in my life. I'm just so tired. I gave up after that.

 

[Michi_Violeta]

I'm genuinely sorry for your loss, specially considering the context you just shared. Indeed, losing the one you love after a series of heartbreaking experiences can really make you question your will to live and make you just feel tired of it all. I'm on the same boat, only with the difference that she didn't die: she left me for someone else, someone that everyone says is inferior to me but is apparently better to the one person in years that I've loved and has loved me back.

People tell you, well, move on, it's easy, plenty of fish in the sea, are you really going to die just because of one person? And, honestly, fuck that. You don't need people belittling your feelings, specially considering all the pain life has put you through. You didn't deserve that, it wasn't your fault: I know it doesn't change anything, but at least it shifts the blame from you to life just being a clustefuck of injustice and cruelty.

My story is pretty similar, that's why I empathize with you and genuinely wish you find peace after giving up: doesn't matter if it's in this world or beyond it. Absent father, bullied as a kid, my father figure died when I was 12, then more bullying, then a five year relationship that almost destroyed me because she cheated twice, then 7 years of failed situationships and professional frustration, and then love again. A beautiful and sensitive woman that had also been hurt before, we gave each other a chance, were together for a little over a year, no fighting, no arguing, just love, cooking together, an amazing emotional and physical connection, trust. And then heartbreak.

I still have my mom and I have friends, but I still feel empty: you can't fill a round hole with a square peg. And the biggest hole in my soul is heart-shaped. Michi shaped. I'm also tired. If you ever want to chat just to vent or if you want a long distance partner to discuss ctb, I'm here for you.

 

[BlueButterfly111]

I'm genuinely sorry for your loss, specially considering the context you just shared. Indeed, losing the one you love after a series of heartbreaking experiences can really make you question your will to live and just feel tired of it all. I'm on the same boat, only with the difference that she didn't die: she left me for someone else, someone that everyone says is inferior to me but is apparently better to the one person in years that I've loved and has loved me back.

People tell you, well, move on, it's easy, plenty of fish in the sea, are you really going to die just because of one person? And, honestly, fuck that. You don't need people belittling your feelings, specially considering all the pain life has put you through. You didn't deserve that, it wasn't your fault: I know it doesn't change anything, but at least it shifts the blame from you to life just being a clustefuck of injustice and cruelty.

My story is pretty similar, that's why I empathize with you and genuinely wish you find peace after giving up: doesn't matter if it's in this world or beyond it. Absent father, bullied as a kid, my father figure died when I was 12, then more bullying, then a five year relationship that almost destroyed me because she cheated twice, then 7 years of failed situationships and professional frustration, and then love again. A beautiful and sensitive woman that had also been hurt before, we gave each other a chance, were together for a little over a year, no fighting, no arguing, just love, cooking together, an amazing emotional and physical connection, trust. And then heartbreak.

I still have my mom and I have friends, but I still feel empty: you can't fill a round hole with a square peg. And the biggest hole in my soul is heart-shaped. Michi shaped. I'm also tired. If you ever want to chat just to vent or if you want a long distance partner to discuss ctb, I'm here for you.

That's such a sad story, I am so sorry about everything that happened to you as well. I can relate, it's heartbreaking to lose a person that you loved. And I'm here for you as well, as long as I'm here. You can also talk to me whenever you want. I'm currently waiting on my Sn to arrive at the moment. Then I will most likely ctb

 

[Michi_Violeta]

That's such a sad story, I am so sorry about everything that happened to you as well. I can relate, it's heartbreaking to lose a person that you loved. And I'm here for you as well, as long as I'm here. You can also talk to me whenever you want. I'm currently waiting on my Sn to arrive at the moment. Then I will most likely ctb

Given how similar our stories are, I get the feeling you don't want to die, you want to live but you're tired of life just giving you heartbreak. I'm profoundly and truly sorry, I know that feeling and all I can say to you and to myself is that we didn't deserve it. We did good, we did our best. Life didn't, it gave us its worst. And that's not our fault.

I'll send you a private message if that's ok so we can talk directly. I still haven't been able to source SN and, rather foolishly, keep holding on to the hope of my Natalia coming back, but in the meantime I'm preparing a back-up plan so that I can ctb through an amitriptyline overdose should my hope die before I'm able to get SN. Maybe our timeframes won't line up, but I'd be glad to help you out and keep you company while you're here with us.

 

[outrider567]

All I wanted from the beginning was to love, and to be loved. I tried to be a good person, but I had a lot of bad things happen to me.

The kids at school would always bully me, which really hurt me because I just wanted to have friends. My dad was never in my life, and never made any effort to see me, even though he only lived 30 minutes away from me. I was basically abandoned by mom as a teenager, the only person that I thought cared about me, for a man that treats her horribly. It was just me and her my whole life, how could she just abandon me for a random guy who treated both of us horribly? I felt so, so lonely for so many years.

Then I met this older guy who I lost my virginity to who I thought I was in love with. But it turns out he was just a serial cheater, and I even walked into the room while he was having sex with someone. And he basically cheated on me multiple times. Then that caused me to basically go on a destructive path of trying to be in different relationships, basically wanting to be loved, but none of them ever worked out, and all of them were never that interested in me or were using me.

Then I met a wonderful, lovely, man who I connected with instantly. And ever since I met him I finally felt loved and safe and cared for. It felt like he was my soulmate, like it literally felt as though our souls were connected. He was so perfect, just thinking of how he was makes me cry. He felt like a home, I found a home in a person. He pulled me out of the dark place that I was in, and showed me so much love. I was finally happy. We had a beautiful fairytale type of romance for almost a year. THEN HE DIED!!!!! 7 months ago Was this my fault? What did I do to deserve this? Him dying has completely destroyed me and has broken my heart completely.

I have nothing but emptiness left in my life. I'm just so tired. I gave up after that.

Destroyed Defeated, that's me too, after she died, more than three years ago--Just now I tried to listen to the songs we liked, couldn't do it, and the same with so many movies also, can't watch them, my life is just a hollowed out shell of what it once was

 

[IDCAAEBM]

Then I met a wonderful, lovely, man who I connected with instantly. And ever since I met him I finally felt loved and safe and cared for. It felt like he was my soulmate, like it literally felt as though our souls were connected. He was so perfect, just thinking of how he was makes me cry. He felt like a home, I found a home in a person. He pulled me out of the dark place that I was in, and showed me so much love. I was finally happy. We had a beautiful fairytale type of romance for almost a year. THEN HE DIED!!!!! 7 months ago Was this my fault? What did I do to deserve this? Him dying has completely destroyed me and has broken my heart completely.

I have nothing but emptiness left in my life. I'm just so tired. I gave up after that.

We have strangely similar stories. Since I was 5, there is evidence that I cannot get along with other people. I have struggled with society for over 30 years now. My relationship with the only two people I still speak to in my family are faked and forced. I found another broken person, one with my same birthday, and we found a bit of peace in this messed up world. Unfortunately, my struggles with people made me a very unpleasant person at home. I took out my frustration on them when all they did was care about me. Between November 2023 and January 1st 2024, it all came apart. They were sick on Thanksgiving and dead by the first week of December. After decades of merely thinking about CTBing, I finally had the perfect reason to leave this world. I saw the medical system for what it is, I saw society for what it is. No one fucking cares about anyone else. It's all fake and forced in order for society to keep moving forward. Well I say fuck that shit. I'm not participating for a minute longer. Being here has not been a benefit to me. I attempted to CTB on our shared birthday last summer, but I failed, miserabley. I took some pain pills that the hospital had given them(they knew why I wanted the pills and they agreed with me, like I've been looking for my whole life </3) but they weren't enough. Pills are such garbage. I have another plan, that will be effective. I have a few months to go, and the wait is literally killing me. I'm still being forced to do things I don't want to do, even after I've decided I'm fucking done with it all. There is no worse feeling. It is going to be the best death day ever.