Bong-Hit-Transplant
Member
- May 11, 2021
- 84
I'm doing my best to be appreciative of all the things I'm doing for the last time but it's hard. It's like I can't find the lever in my brain that makes me realize I'm never going to walk to that coffee shop again or talk to this person again. Like the finality of it all hasn't completely set in for my subconscious. Part of me wants to put it off for the the third or fourth time so I can have all the time in the world to write my note and finish the book I'm in the middle of, but surviving Christmas sounds dreadful, and even though I hate the holidays I don't want to ruin it for my family by doing it like two or three days before the 25th.
Plus, I don't know. I guess I was hoping these last few days would give me some closure or something. That I would feel it all coming to end, but I still feel just as bitter, empty, and clueless as before. I feel like I need to wait until I have, like, an all-knowing acceptance of the void or something, but I don't even know what that would look like. Part of me is still afraid I'm doing this for the wrong reasons, and I hoped that this week would fill me with confidence about my decision, but I just don't feel any different. But I guess I just need to push through the last stretch. I've done more than enough contemplating.
See y'all in a week, hopefully.
Plus, I don't know. I guess I was hoping these last few days would give me some closure or something. That I would feel it all coming to end, but I still feel just as bitter, empty, and clueless as before. I feel like I need to wait until I have, like, an all-knowing acceptance of the void or something, but I don't even know what that would look like. Part of me is still afraid I'm doing this for the wrong reasons, and I hoped that this week would fill me with confidence about my decision, but I just don't feel any different. But I guess I just need to push through the last stretch. I've done more than enough contemplating.
See y'all in a week, hopefully.