Michelstaedter
Specialist
- Feb 25, 2025
- 328
I will use this thread to write about some personal matter, some thought, or something that might serve to entertain, to chat while I find my way to "nothingness".
Over the past year, I've reflected on my life. I don't think it's been bad; I don't suffer from chronic illnesses, nor am I old (mid-30). But I do feel the pain of others, the suffering of humans and animals. I see existence itself as inevitable suffering, where 90% will be suffering and the other 10% more or less regular satisfactions. Wealthy people might increase that range by 20%, but in general, they too will suffer, and suffering is usually worse when they've been accustomed to satisfaction, so it's not positive at all.
Sooner or later I will die, perhaps I won't even realize it, in the best case I will leave with a certain satisfaction remembering the good times and I will have that "tunnel vision" where many memories will pass and everything will be like a movie, somewhat tragic and bitter.
In the past, I sought a girlfriend, I eagerly searched and wanted to be with a woman, to have children. I believe that in some way it was the "biological calling" telling me to follow that path to fulfill the natural course of life. Society (unnatural) somehow erased me as a candidate to leave a legacy because I am not interesting, nor attractive, especially in the economic aspect, so the next step is to die... To be born, to develop, to reproduce and to die.
I'll write a short book, a pessimistic novella, to show that life is a bitch. Living isn't great, because we tend to distract ourselves from the pain and boredom with various things, but when we face what's fundamental, we fall apart. Average people often express this, saying they "want to be more optimistic," because that's proof that in the end we all go through that winding path that makes us see life as it is, and that ultimately one can cope with comforting beliefs or face it and suffer until the end, perhaps, like me, extracting as much satisfaction as possible until you become anhedonic and insensitive to pleasure...
I hope, miraculously, to find a painless method to end this; it will be a good ending if so.
Over the past year, I've reflected on my life. I don't think it's been bad; I don't suffer from chronic illnesses, nor am I old (mid-30). But I do feel the pain of others, the suffering of humans and animals. I see existence itself as inevitable suffering, where 90% will be suffering and the other 10% more or less regular satisfactions. Wealthy people might increase that range by 20%, but in general, they too will suffer, and suffering is usually worse when they've been accustomed to satisfaction, so it's not positive at all.
Sooner or later I will die, perhaps I won't even realize it, in the best case I will leave with a certain satisfaction remembering the good times and I will have that "tunnel vision" where many memories will pass and everything will be like a movie, somewhat tragic and bitter.
In the past, I sought a girlfriend, I eagerly searched and wanted to be with a woman, to have children. I believe that in some way it was the "biological calling" telling me to follow that path to fulfill the natural course of life. Society (unnatural) somehow erased me as a candidate to leave a legacy because I am not interesting, nor attractive, especially in the economic aspect, so the next step is to die... To be born, to develop, to reproduce and to die.
I'll write a short book, a pessimistic novella, to show that life is a bitch. Living isn't great, because we tend to distract ourselves from the pain and boredom with various things, but when we face what's fundamental, we fall apart. Average people often express this, saying they "want to be more optimistic," because that's proof that in the end we all go through that winding path that makes us see life as it is, and that ultimately one can cope with comforting beliefs or face it and suffer until the end, perhaps, like me, extracting as much satisfaction as possible until you become anhedonic and insensitive to pleasure...
I hope, miraculously, to find a painless method to end this; it will be a good ending if so.
