My last fight

[itsallover]

I have been in this forum since 2018 and I know that's a long time, though I did have a serious overdose that led to a few days comatose. I woke up from that with the same symptoms that were plaguing me before as my health is the main reason I want to die. I would call myself passively suicidal at this point because I had surgery to try and fix my condition which didn't work as planned and after that I took a special test to see what was going on inside my body and am now travelling out of state for therapy with a specialist. If this doesn't work then that's it because I am tired of waking to this pain and debilitating symptoms where I have no social life, family life, work life, or pretty much anything. I just wake up take the psych pills to numb me out every few hours and then veg out on the computer which I am getting tired of too. I know that pills don't work because I took plenty of bottles to just go already because I feel like such a useless burden who can't contribute anything. All my life was about achieving things no matter how hard it was from magnet schools, to multiple college degrees, to good jobs, and a career which all got fucked by the so called hero first responders in doctors by way of medical malpractice. Further yet they got off on it because of a loophole called risk of procedure even though the procedure was completely unnecessary. I hope God takes pity on my soul because I have suffered for years and need some way out of this nightmare. It's either health or death at this point. I'm not going to write a suicide note. I will just sit down with my family and say listen I have tried everything and it's not working if this fails and I just want out. I feel that's the way family should be. If they see you suffering day in and day out with no progress from the medical community then they should take it upon themselves to even help you find a way out. I think that is what really caring means.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

I can relate to a lot of it one of my biggest reasons for wanting to ctb is my chronical physical problems so I also can´t work or go to school and I have no friends left because I had to exlude myself because of my physical problem I also just sit in front of a screen like a vegetable doing the same thing every day over and over again like it´s the movie 'Groundhogs Day' and I have been doing this for years I am 26 but my social life ended when I was 17 and generally my life too.

I also have done everything I could to try and fix my physical problems with several operations, many scannings and been around probably over a dozen doctors, the same with my mental problems I have tried so hard to fix them for so many years but nothing has worked at best I improve a little but it was not worth the constant fight just to improve maybe 5% mentally.

I don´t get why people like me and probably you should keep fighting a never ending fight and lets say we magically got cured from all out problems in 10-15+ years would it have been worth decades of fighting? this part of the video explains perfectly what I mean. But recovering is just wishfull thinking I have literally spend half my life suffering and I am tired and I can´t do it anymore, I also don´t want to live in adulthood I don´t see wageslaving and all the responsibilities that comes along with being an adult as living I want to live a carefree life like I did as a child and teenager and I don´t want a wife or children I want to be a child myself so since my youth (childhood and teenage years) are over the real me died a long time ago I should have died as a teenager like I planned I was never meant to be an adult.

 

[itsallover]

Thank you for your honest and open opinion and response. The latter portion of your post I can relate to a lot. It seems like after college all of my friends scattered and I could only really make acquaintances at work who really didn't care about me on a deeper level, though now when I look back on it I feel that it was fake caring that my so called friends showed when they disappeared after I got sick. I was even there for my so called best friend when he was sick, when his brother died, and then after my suicide attempt he just hung up the phone on me. Some part of me is also scarred that I cannot really make it in this world because I have severe OCD and my mind always goes over and worries about things constantly so I don't know how I can handle all those bills coming my way and everything. I also live in NYC which is very expensive so a lot of people live with family out of need as I do. I also rely on the public transportation system which is vast here to get around and even though I got myself a license have not really driven and feel like a failure over even that. I have a girlfriend and Im terrified of getting her pregnant. I can barely take care of myself so how will I take care of child and I also don't want to fuck them up by mistake as my parents really dropped the ball with me. My mother is still there for me but she has dropped the ball many times with me and even though I love her to death just know that if my symptoms don't get better with this therapy then there will always be a disconnect there. Im sorry you're having these troubles so young as it really isn't fair. I really don't get what I did wrong. I was always there for my family, but they were never really there for me so Im angry about that. My brother who was just a selfish brat growing up was lucky to have friends who even got him good jobs after college, and I am stuck here in the shithole my parents created and he doesn't even care. What are your physical problems btw, mine is a lower urinary tract problem that comes with pain and symptoms like leaking and peeing all day which drives me crazy.

 

[FriendofDeath]

I just have to say getting a driver's license in NYC seems like a BIG deal. Major congrats. I've only been there once and I can't imagine driving there.

Like both of you, I find myself in survival mode. The pandemic is just another day for me. I have chronic pain and a number of conditions that pretty much make me unemployable. Back in the day you could throw anything my way and I could handle it.

I hope your treatments are effective and provide relief.

 

[Deleted member 17331]

When I read this type of post, I don't feel alone.

I have such severe pain in my body that I cannot keep up for long. I also have my mental health, and forgive me, but it is a disgrace. I was never admitted to a job, because of my fragility and because I don't have mandatory courses (I've tried, but I can't relate to working in groups or with people in general, which ends up making many hate me). The good part (in the pandemic) is that now my family reminds me of how useless I am only 3 times a week.

The demands of adulthood are unbearable. And I find it very strange that we sleep a child and wake up adults. It doesn't make sense, this world seems to have more problems than my head.

Sending hugs to all of you.

 

[yetme]

I have been in this forum since 2018 and I know that's a long time, though I did have a serious overdose that led to a few days comatose. I woke up from that with the same symptoms that were plaguing me before as my health is the main reason I want to die. I would call myself passively suicidal at this point because I had surgery to try and fix my condition which didn't work as planned and after that I took a special test to see what was going on inside my body and am now travelling out of state for therapy with a specialist. If this doesn't work then that's it because I am tired of waking to this pain and debilitating symptoms where I have no social life, family life, work life, or pretty much anything. I just wake up take the psych pills to numb me out every few hours and then veg out on the computer which I am getting tired of too. I know that pills don't work because I took plenty of bottles to just go already because I feel like such a useless burden who can't contribute anything. All my life was about achieving things no matter how hard it was from magnet schools, to multiple college degrees, to good jobs, and a career which all got fucked by the so called hero first responders in doctors by way of medical malpractice. Further yet they got off on it because of a loophole called risk of procedure even though the procedure was completely unnecessary. I hope God takes pity on my soul because I have suffered for years and need some way out of this nightmare. It's either health or death at this point. I'm not going to write a suicide note. I will just sit down with my family and say listen I have tried everything and it's not working if this fails and I just want out. I feel that's the way family should be. If they see you suffering day in and day out with no progress from the medical community then they should take it upon themselves to even help you find a way out. I think that is what really caring means.

Same here man. Looks like we have same problem. Did you try antibiotics? There's always a pathogen behind this.