Venting My last ditch effort to be happy is crumbling, time to CTB

[nozomu]

I've finally decided to make a proactive, responsible effort towards leaving this hellscape we live in. I hope to find community and support in navigating this process. I want to go easily, I want to be prepared, and I do not wish to burden those I've left behind.



I'm 28, and I've had an awfully difficult life the entire time. I was born to parents who view me as their biggest regret, because I was born they were forced to get together. What ensued was an entire childhood where I was treated like dirt. I never have felt human, I have never felt loved, I have felt welcome. Anywhere, since birth. Despite this, I've tried to have a fighting spirit in hopes I would be able to live a better life. Things have materially improved, but not mentally or socially. I have an adult job with adult money now, and I'm no longer in poverty. But that's really all that's improved. I've also been in treatment my entire 20s and there's been only marginal improvements.



I still feel like the young child that I was, sitting in the closet, weeping endlessly in the dark because no one loves me. Hiding from the people that abuse me. It doesn't help that I'm prone to being treated poorly. My response to abuse was to do my best to be kind and put good energy into the world. I never receive this in return. Everyone I try to love takes advantage of me. My first partner abused me in every sense of the word. I've been assaulted multiple times. One partner used me for rent money for 3 years. My current partner just has me as a side piece and they don't know that I know, and they keep going hot and cold on me and it's triggering my RSD so damn bad that this alone is enough to be my final straw. I want to love someone so badly. I want to give my all to someone and receive it in return. I have so much love and light to give the world but the world doesn't care. I can't live with this pain any longer, and I'm deeply sorry to anyone who expects me to continue on. I just can't.



I also really struggle to connect and relate to others. I'm devestated whenever I get ghosted by a friend because it is so hard to make them and I've lost so many friends during COVID, by their own choices. This recent partnership I've went for, it was my last ditch effort to be happy. Everything in my life is failing and this person who I love with my entire heart and soul keeps pushing me away then pulling me back and it's killing me slowly. I love them so much but it really hurts. Today they avoided me all day purposefully, and it helped to reaffirm my decision to go. I decided a few weeks ago it is time and I've been looking for resources.



I'm also terrible at my job and I get abused by my work supervisors. Everyone who doesn't work with me always compliments me about me being smart, good at problem solving etc (I'm a research scientist albeit not a super well paid one) but they don't know how much I have to go through to be at this job and how terrible it is for my mental health. I used to excel then I gave up. Much like everything else.



I have some creative outlets I do and hobbies but they've exhausted their ability to keep me going. I feel like I have everything to people looking in at me (a stable job, friends, hobbies, a "partner", a substantial higher education) but I have nothing on the inside , nothing that matters. I'm empty as fuck.





Why can't I find someone who accepts my whole self, why can't I find someone to share joy in my life with? Why can't this pain go away for a while? I can't keep living with this in perpetuity.



Given all of this pain and weight I carry, I need to CTB. I just can't go on like this. I really really would love to get my hands on some N so I can just drift off to sleep (funny, how sleeping is how we can wake up from this nightmare). If I can't, I will explore alternative means but I think I will try to CTB in the next few months in early 2023, since I want to go responsibly. I want to get a will in place for my younger sibling to get my useful belongings + money (if anyone has some recs of how to go about this, would love to hear it). I want to write letters to people that I loved so they know it wasn't their fault. I want my passing to not burden anyone so I need to plan.



On a bittersweet note, I find it nice that at least despite my pain, I have not lost my kindness and consideration of others, even in front of a harsh world. If only I could have myself as a partner and close friend. I'm really proud of who I am and I'm sad this world is not for me. I don't want to go, but I have to be free.




Thank you for reading my story and nice to meet you all.

 

[Zegers]

I understand you. I used to be kind and considerate but got nothing in return.

Best wishes

 

[nozomu]

I understand you. I used to be kind and considerate but got nothing in return.

Best wishes

I don't want to let go of that, I want to be kind until the very end, almost as a sort of middle finger to the world as I go. I just wish I could have been loved before I leave. But that's rare to find apparently.

 

[not_actually_human]

I don't want to let go of that, I want to be kind until the very end, almost as a sort of middle finger to the world as I go. I just wish I could have been loved before I leave. But that's rare to find apparently.

Sorry my tone is very cold and I'm not super articulate in what I want to convey, both (a little too) emotionally and cognitively spent.
From what I've gathered from the post, you're responding to the people you've attracted, and how you interact with humans more broadly, by ctb-ing. But you /do/ want to love and live. What of that?

> I just wish I could have been loved before I leave. But that's rare to find apparently.

It's rare, and while the realization of what goes on in this world may put some through non-stop grief and torment in the face of one's own powerlessness, it's not right the implication that you can't find the right people who are worthy of all the love in the world and the safety they need - all of which you have the capacity to give. I'm not saying that you'll eventually find them all naturally, just that people such as yourself need to be very clinical in evaluating people.

It feels to me that you have yet to reconcile your... personality (and who you are) with your rational/moral system. For how people have treated you, suicidality is the appropriate emotion, but acting on it is not right given all else that you ought to give consideration to.

My response has to do with how I identify with you, it may not be applicable, and it certainly is not well thought through - I'm sorry and I take responsibility if I'm off the mark or if I've caused harm here.

 

[brokensea]

I can really relate to you. A lifetime of abuse. Have gave so much love out into the world. Never loved. Abused everywhere even at work. My hobbies are all done and don't interest me. It certainly feels hopeless there's any kind soul who can reciprocate your kindness and love. People just use nice people and toss them aside. I thought I had learned to be more careful. Have boundaries. End bad relationships quickly. But I ran into the same problems, really for the most part I sit here alone around no one because I just literally can't stand people. You sort of die inside from years of no one loving you. No one loving you your whole life. Humans are too flawed and selfish to really provide the kind of love people like us need. I think my heart has turned black and rotted away. Perhaps all these people infect you with a kind of poison. Till you're just an empty shell inside. They're all unloving and cruel and even if you did nothing wrong and didn't deserve any of it they had to make you be something you're not to make it all ok. You're bad, you're not lovable, you don't measure up. They just make it up. Can't justify it to themselves that they're just cruel people hurting a kind, innocent person. You try to be very kind to show you aren't bad, you deserve love, yet you still continue and continue to be abused. So then it feels like no matter what I do I can't make myself enough. I have some flaw within me. You just believe all these ugly things. Turn self hatred on yourself. But they're all just wrong about you and all of it. But you just can't see it anymore after so long. You just can't see it.

 

[Ineedtodie]

still feel like the young child that I was, sitting in the closet, weeping endlessly in the dark because no one loves me.

I felt this deeply.

doesn't help that I'm prone to being treated poorly.

This.

I've had an awfully difficult life the entire time

This.

also really struggle to connect and relate to others

This too.

Hiding from the people that abuse me. It doesn't help that I'm prone to being treated poorly. My response to abuse was to do my best to be kind and put good energy into the world. I never receive this in return. Everyone I try to love takes advantage of me. My first partner abused me in every sense of the word. I've been assaulted multiple times. One partner used me for rent money for 3 years. My current partner just has me as a side piece and they don't know that I know, and they keep going hot and cold on me and it's triggering my RSD so damn bad that this alone is enough to be my final straw.

We indeef live in a cruel exploitative society. Sorry they took advantage of your vulnerabilities. You durvived the best way you could.

have some creative outlets I do and hobbies but they've exhausted their ability to keep me going. I feel like I have everything to people looking in at me (a stable job, friends, hobbies, a "partner", a substantial higher education) but I have nothing on the inside , nothing that matters. I'm empty as fuck.

you're not empty, you are brave and full of love and you've fighting and incredibly harsh society with the little means and support you had. I know it's easy said than done but you don't deserve to feel any shame or guilt for what society afflicts on you.you're a brave survivor of very unfair and unfortunate circumstances in a very unforgiving society. Hope you find love for yourself as the truly worthy you are and a voice to fight back to express your discontent of the unfairness and unjustice life throws your way.

 

[ShuttingDown]

Felt it deep(going through it kinda) , tears in my eyes still reading, hope u have peace friend

 

[Rational man]

You speak for so many here and elsewhere and if parents fail to raise a child with love then the child finds it difficult to find direction and acceptance of self. I was abandoned emotionally by my parents and i carry the scars for life. Im a sensitive guy and i feel the pain of others. Unfortunately, people like us easily absorb their pain as we feel and sense it and we seem to attract people who have had a bad deal in life. The truth is that life is hard and at one point you have to put self first and take bold choices about who you need in your life. Your kindness is you and people see that, but the trouble is your physical and mental energy suffers.

i began cutting away from associates and never missed them and they never missed me and i was left with a good few friends. I never found it easy in close relationships. People would say how could a good looking man who is so kind, be on his own. Well i did find love with another person at the local swimming pool ironically and it was an amazing few Years where i was myself for probably the first time. Im sick now and alone but i have a dear and close friend and a cat. Seriously, life is hard but there can be better days.

 

[nozomu]

You speak for so many here and elsewhere and if parents fail to raise a child with love then the child finds it difficult to find direction and acceptance of self. I was abandoned emotionally by my parents and i carry the scars for life. Im a sensitive guy and i feel the pain of others. Unfortunately, people like us easily absorb their pain as we feel and sense it and we seem to attract people who have had a bad deal in life. The truth is that life is hard and at one point you have to put self first and take bold choices about who you need in your life. Your kindness is you and people see that, but the trouble is your physical and mental energy suffers.

i began cutting away from associates and never missed them and they never missed me and i was left with a good few friends. I never found it easy in close relationships. People would say how could a good looking man who is so kind, be on his own. Well i did find love with another person at the local swimming pool ironically and it was an amazing few Years where i was myself for probably the first time. Im sick now and alone but i have a dear and close friend and a cat. Seriously, life is hard but there can be better days.

Thanks for your kind words. I know life can have better days. If I ignored the knowledge I had that I wasn't very important to the person I'm seeing, the days we've spent together over the last month have been some of my happiest ever. They've taken me on really nice dates and are very affectionate and nice to me. If I just live in a fantasyland when they turn their attention to me and pretend the reality isn't that they're going back to someone else, I feel great and cared for. I do think this person cares for me but doesn't know how to handle the situation they've put themselves in, so instead they take it out on me by doing things like ignoring me instead of taking responsibility and ownership of the situation.


I'm just devestated because this person prior to me expressing interest in them was one of my closest friends and I thought I could trust them. We met by chance in person a few years ago. I thought maybe that if I opened my heart to someone I knew already and trusted I could, at least for a while, have someone I could trust and share joy with. Especially before I found things out, I felt like I could be myself around them because I was already comfortable with them. Everything aside from the knowledge they don't know I have, and the hot and cold behavior caused by their own anxiety is great. I didn't know about the other person until after we became intimate and I felt so violated by this that I broke down (it was literally the same feelings I had after being assaulted, since I only agreed to do things with them because I thought I was the only one) and I've been living in this fantasyland since then, partially to cope with that, partially because the fantasyland is preferable to the cold, harsh reality that to this person I am just merely an easy source of affection and attention who can be tossed to the side at a moments notice. Maybe they care, I don't know.

it's also a hard weight to carry. I have not told any of my friends about the things I found out. I feel ashamed but I can live in my fantasyland if I'm the only one that knows it's the case. It's my fragile last ditch effort to experience happiness with others.

i know it's not the healthiest response, but since this is my close friend and someone I see every day, it was easier to pretend everything is OK. Even later today when I likely see them, I will still pretend everything is fine. In hopes I can hold on to this fantasy until I CTB. At least then I can pretend to have experienced being loved and cared for. I can fall asleep that last and final time knowing I at least had the simulation version of what most humans long for.

 

[nozomu]

Sorry my tone is very cold and I'm not super articulate in what I want to convey, both (a little too) emotionally and cognitively spent.
From what I've gathered from the post, you're responding to the people you've attracted, and how you interact with humans more broadly, by ctb-ing. But you /do/ want to love and live. What of that?

I think in general my reaction to this post is that I appreciate you reaching out, but I have other issues too. I'm chronically ill but not terminally, a terminal illness would be a gift at this point. I'm extremely mentally ill from my life of abuse and I struggle to function from it.

It's that I have a lot going on, and no one to support me in carrying it while I get to watch those around me connect to others with ease. Even on the friendship level. I don't remember a time when I haven't wanted this pain to end. I've waited a long time since I started actively being suicidal to wanting to make a concrete and responsible plan.

 

[Ineedtodie]

speak for so many here and elsewhere and if parents fail to raise a child with love then the child finds it difficult to find direction and acceptance of self. I was abandoned emotionally by my parents and i carry the scars for life.

Emotional abandonment leaves ud with so much debilitating scars. I don't have a world to describe..just atroucious consequences so dealing with this is bravery as brave as it gets. Just how I feel about and from experience.

Unfortunately, people like us easily absorb their pain as we feel and sense it and we seem to attract people who have had a bad deal in life. The tru

Moat people are damaged, believe or not.. not as damage but still...so they project their pain on you and dare to inflict it as well. And it can be hard to fight back.

The truth is that life is hard and at one point you have to put self first and take bold choices about who you need in your life. Your kindness is you and people see that, but the trouble is your physical and mental energy suffers.

Very well said.

began cutting away from associates and never missed them and they never missed me and i was left with a good few friends. I never found it easy in close relationships. People would say how could a good looking man who is so kind, be on his own. Well i did find love with another person at the local swimming pool ironically and it was an amazing few Years where i was myself for probably the first time. Im sick now and alone but i have a dear and close friend and a cat. Seriously, life is hard but there can be better days.

Its awsome that you experienced the good side of life, neverless. Nothing is permanent. Hope more of us get a glimse too even if its temporary, no matter how miraculous this sound.

 

[FuneralCry]

It really sounds like you have suffered a lot and your feelings of wishing to leave are understandable. It's such a cruel existence that brings people to this point and it's so awful how other people can create so much harm. I would also love to get N, if only it was accessible for us then that would be ideal. But I hope that you find the freedom that you wish for.

 

[nozomu]

It really sounds like you have suffered a lot and your feelings of wishing to leave are understandable. It's such a cruel existence that brings people to this point and it's so awful how other people can create so much harm. I would also love to get N, if only it was accessible for us then that would be ideal. But I hope that you find the freedom that you wish for.

N is really a dream for me. I'm working really hard to find it in the next year. I hope I can find something reliable. I feel like having N on hand would make life so much easier to bear. Like the pain I feel could be easier to endure if I knew I had a magic off switch like N at my disposal.