Hi, ive been lurking for a couple of weeks on the forum and just recenty became a member. ive come to this point cause ive really fucked up my life and theres no way out.
ive felt lonely my whole life, even when i have people who love me. i can remembr feeling depressed since i was 8. im 45 and was born in mexico but spent my first 6 years in dallas. then i came back to mexico. i grew up with divorced parents, living with my grandperents. as far as i can remeber ive had shrinks coming to visit me since i was 4.
i started with meds probably around 12-13
Never had friends in school, i was basically alone, growin up in the 80s in a british school basedn in mexico was tough, i encountered lots of racism in my own country, got expelled eventually but once in junior high i always got into trouble. i was an outkast only driven to play guitar, with strng urges to die. my favorite movie sine i was 8 was the wall by pink foyd, and heard it ovr and over. it was such a masterpiece of self destruction. i was a very shy kid growing up, no friends, let alone girlfiends, so i foung guitas as my loya companion throught junior high and part of high school, until i came upon alcohol. i really never liked the taste, but i loved how it made me feel, fearless, confident, without fear or rejection. i got expelled in high school for going drunk to school a couple o times, i ran away from home. came back 3 months laterand eventually after being ok with being a loser my whole life a i gt into college, i found a girfriend, which complemented her daddy issues with my mommy issues. but i becamenconfident, the kid who was once living in the shadows started to be notice, i had lots of girls, i graduted from uni, managed to make the most disired girl in campus my girfriend, a beatuiful austrian girl i was in love, i stared working and deciden we would got to live tu europe an get married there and we had a plan to move to london for a msters degree. couple of months before leaving she chated on me. and i left to london alone. those were really lonely days, i remeber being completl drunk and 4 am in the thames crying me self out, drunk . yelling, YOUE WERE SUPOSED TO BE HERE WITH ME !! i went out every day, and i woke up in the tube miles away from home the next day after noon, never knew what had happened or what had i done, but my regular uni friends who used to go out with me decided i was a bad influence and drank to much. unfortunately i spent most of my tuition money in alchol and prostitutes, and had to lave the masters program and headed to spain , paris , denmark bfore i returned as a failure to my parents.
NEVERTHELESS i managed to get a well paid job in global company ans kept dinking, only this time i had money and drank at least 3-4 times daily, and benzos were added to the ecuatiion, i was having fun, making mooney, partying geting laid, i had a lucky life with a promising future, but the drinking got worse so as the bensos. i was25 still living with my parents until they threw me out. but my pride made me be un grateful and stayed at a hotel untin i ra out of money. my parents told me i could com back but i had to go to rehab in argentina. i was locked in argentina 6 months, came back and kept drinking altouh i stoped the benzos, and got a new job, i got married with someone i cant stand to this day, i adopted her baby girl which i love and later on had a son at 33. in the proffessional end i was growing, imanaged complete countries in the LATM area, i travelled al the time, colombia , argentina , puerto rico, dominican, peru, miami, new york. i was linving a god life once again, but hated to be home, my escape was traveling.. pandemic struck, and i had panick attacks, and i went to far wit benzos, i alwyas get in trouble with benzos, i od, and my ex wife found me passed away in my car after peeing y self. the nxt thing i remeber i woke up at my parents house ans wasnt able to watch my kids expet for weekends, i hated tht biitch ex wife, then came the divorce and child support which i dont mind sin they are my kids . i once stood up nd came out of the dark stronger, got another job, connected from my highscgool crush, but i alwys sabotage, we had a 3 year relationship and were engaged, but bein diagnosed as a BPD , NPD and mayor depression, i alwyas fuck things up. speially weh m on clonazepam.while i was with my fiance i engaged in risky sex with girls i met on tinder and prstitutes, never wearing a condom. once i came back rom work after takin 5-6 clonzepam pills, slepr al day and by midnigh my fiance had my cel phne and had watched sveral videos i had with girls and prostitutes. she threw me out and ended up again and my parents house. three weeks before this my grandma passed away. and four months later my mom passed away. and i drowned my emotions in alcohol and benzos. i was making good money at work, i had a good life and i saw my kinds evry other weekend. but i got greedy and used my position in the company to manipultae financial reports for my advantage, in the meantime, me ex wife was all of a sudden very comfirting and we were back together , which at he time , i could never realy see anything good. i had my familiy back, wife and kids, a better paying job, financial status and i was getting more money by using my methods of manipulating finances, i started to buy shirtload od guitars, really expensives ones, like 7-10k guitars, i felt invincible. but i always fucked up when i had benzos. i became this arrogant dickheadand wanted to be alonein my apartment with my 20 guitars playing. but in september i all went out of control i was so into benzos i though i could be getting money but seemed i had spent more that i could prove. i got away from family and satrted fighting with my ex and yelling she was a whore and she had someone else, when i was the one cheating.
on friday 20th i planned in chec her cel pone but she always carried it wit here so i threw a couple of clonazepams in her drink and collapsed, i carried her to bed. i mean 2 clonzepams are not lethal but she couldnt walk, and slept two days, on mondya she took a toxicology test and came out positive.she blamed me and i denied it. the things is she really made a whole mess about this, and threatened me to go to the police saying i tried to kill her, honesty i just wanted her to go to sleep to check her cel phone. the worst part is seh told the kids her version , telling them i druged her and it was a murder attempt. my kids won speak to me ad its beed 2 months since ive had no contct with them , my son sent me a message telling me he never wantd to see me or talk to me again and repeated at least 4 times ´you are a bad person dad" this broke my heart. my daughter wont speak to me, plus their mom jut recenty has a new boyfiend, and im not allowed in their house, and m kids dont want to se me. on top of it i have to deal wit 100k missing that one ay or antoher i have to financialy make it match with the numbers, ive ben selig all my guitars to try and reduc this gap. so on one side im fucke in my job, on the other side , my kids dont ever want t see me again cause thei mom basiclly told them im a murderer who wanted to kill her by puting 2 diazepams in her drink.
so basially i dont have a way out and have to go to a better place . i strongy think if i can get out of this i wold fuck up again. im reckless and dont think in my conseuences . so i dont wat to hurt anymore, im not worthy of livin and hate mysel for hving the chance of having a family once again and fking it up and im rety sure if had another chance id do the same . i dont ever wana do no wrong.
thanks for reading, my method will be SN. ive always thouth id die in new years eve, for me its the saddest day
ive felt lonely my whole life, even when i have people who love me. i can remembr feeling depressed since i was 8. im 45 and was born in mexico but spent my first 6 years in dallas. then i came back to mexico. i grew up with divorced parents, living with my grandperents. as far as i can remeber ive had shrinks coming to visit me since i was 4.
i started with meds probably around 12-13
Never had friends in school, i was basically alone, growin up in the 80s in a british school basedn in mexico was tough, i encountered lots of racism in my own country, got expelled eventually but once in junior high i always got into trouble. i was an outkast only driven to play guitar, with strng urges to die. my favorite movie sine i was 8 was the wall by pink foyd, and heard it ovr and over. it was such a masterpiece of self destruction. i was a very shy kid growing up, no friends, let alone girlfiends, so i foung guitas as my loya companion throught junior high and part of high school, until i came upon alcohol. i really never liked the taste, but i loved how it made me feel, fearless, confident, without fear or rejection. i got expelled in high school for going drunk to school a couple o times, i ran away from home. came back 3 months laterand eventually after being ok with being a loser my whole life a i gt into college, i found a girfriend, which complemented her daddy issues with my mommy issues. but i becamenconfident, the kid who was once living in the shadows started to be notice, i had lots of girls, i graduted from uni, managed to make the most disired girl in campus my girfriend, a beatuiful austrian girl i was in love, i stared working and deciden we would got to live tu europe an get married there and we had a plan to move to london for a msters degree. couple of months before leaving she chated on me. and i left to london alone. those were really lonely days, i remeber being completl drunk and 4 am in the thames crying me self out, drunk . yelling, YOUE WERE SUPOSED TO BE HERE WITH ME !! i went out every day, and i woke up in the tube miles away from home the next day after noon, never knew what had happened or what had i done, but my regular uni friends who used to go out with me decided i was a bad influence and drank to much. unfortunately i spent most of my tuition money in alchol and prostitutes, and had to lave the masters program and headed to spain , paris , denmark bfore i returned as a failure to my parents.
NEVERTHELESS i managed to get a well paid job in global company ans kept dinking, only this time i had money and drank at least 3-4 times daily, and benzos were added to the ecuatiion, i was having fun, making mooney, partying geting laid, i had a lucky life with a promising future, but the drinking got worse so as the bensos. i was25 still living with my parents until they threw me out. but my pride made me be un grateful and stayed at a hotel untin i ra out of money. my parents told me i could com back but i had to go to rehab in argentina. i was locked in argentina 6 months, came back and kept drinking altouh i stoped the benzos, and got a new job, i got married with someone i cant stand to this day, i adopted her baby girl which i love and later on had a son at 33. in the proffessional end i was growing, imanaged complete countries in the LATM area, i travelled al the time, colombia , argentina , puerto rico, dominican, peru, miami, new york. i was linving a god life once again, but hated to be home, my escape was traveling.. pandemic struck, and i had panick attacks, and i went to far wit benzos, i alwyas get in trouble with benzos, i od, and my ex wife found me passed away in my car after peeing y self. the nxt thing i remeber i woke up at my parents house ans wasnt able to watch my kids expet for weekends, i hated tht biitch ex wife, then came the divorce and child support which i dont mind sin they are my kids . i once stood up nd came out of the dark stronger, got another job, connected from my highscgool crush, but i alwys sabotage, we had a 3 year relationship and were engaged, but bein diagnosed as a BPD , NPD and mayor depression, i alwyas fuck things up. speially weh m on clonazepam.while i was with my fiance i engaged in risky sex with girls i met on tinder and prstitutes, never wearing a condom. once i came back rom work after takin 5-6 clonzepam pills, slepr al day and by midnigh my fiance had my cel phne and had watched sveral videos i had with girls and prostitutes. she threw me out and ended up again and my parents house. three weeks before this my grandma passed away. and four months later my mom passed away. and i drowned my emotions in alcohol and benzos. i was making good money at work, i had a good life and i saw my kinds evry other weekend. but i got greedy and used my position in the company to manipultae financial reports for my advantage, in the meantime, me ex wife was all of a sudden very comfirting and we were back together , which at he time , i could never realy see anything good. i had my familiy back, wife and kids, a better paying job, financial status and i was getting more money by using my methods of manipulating finances, i started to buy shirtload od guitars, really expensives ones, like 7-10k guitars, i felt invincible. but i always fucked up when i had benzos. i became this arrogant dickheadand wanted to be alonein my apartment with my 20 guitars playing. but in september i all went out of control i was so into benzos i though i could be getting money but seemed i had spent more that i could prove. i got away from family and satrted fighting with my ex and yelling she was a whore and she had someone else, when i was the one cheating.
on friday 20th i planned in chec her cel pone but she always carried it wit here so i threw a couple of clonazepams in her drink and collapsed, i carried her to bed. i mean 2 clonzepams are not lethal but she couldnt walk, and slept two days, on mondya she took a toxicology test and came out positive.she blamed me and i denied it. the things is she really made a whole mess about this, and threatened me to go to the police saying i tried to kill her, honesty i just wanted her to go to sleep to check her cel phone. the worst part is seh told the kids her version , telling them i druged her and it was a murder attempt. my kids won speak to me ad its beed 2 months since ive had no contct with them , my son sent me a message telling me he never wantd to see me or talk to me again and repeated at least 4 times ´you are a bad person dad" this broke my heart. my daughter wont speak to me, plus their mom jut recenty has a new boyfiend, and im not allowed in their house, and m kids dont want to se me. on top of it i have to deal wit 100k missing that one ay or antoher i have to financialy make it match with the numbers, ive ben selig all my guitars to try and reduc this gap. so on one side im fucke in my job, on the other side , my kids dont ever want t see me again cause thei mom basiclly told them im a murderer who wanted to kill her by puting 2 diazepams in her drink.
so basially i dont have a way out and have to go to a better place . i strongy think if i can get out of this i wold fuck up again. im reckless and dont think in my conseuences . so i dont wat to hurt anymore, im not worthy of livin and hate mysel for hving the chance of having a family once again and fking it up and im rety sure if had another chance id do the same . i dont ever wana do no wrong.
thanks for reading, my method will be SN. ive always thouth id die in new years eve, for me its the saddest day
