darksideofthebright
Check in on your happy friend
- Nov 10, 2020
- 251
I have first thought of suicide from the age of 10, which is when I first tried to take my life based on what I had heard of. I then felt suicidal at 16, and multiple times every year from 18 until now (22). The reason why I mention this is because my last failed suicide attempt led to me being in E&A and everyone was thinking of me as being impulsive and not thinking things through without considering that I have been suicidal for a long time.
I, over a month ago, went through a terrible breakup. It was so out of the blue and we loved each other so much. He broke up with me via texts, saying that he wasn't in the headspace for a relationship. I have tried restlessly to get him back, because he was the ONLY happiness I've had since 8. From a bigger picture, this breakup isn't the sole reason for my current sufferings, it's rather many things on top of each other that led me here. Even though I have had so much support from others and I genuinely appreciate them, I have only cared for and held onto the thought of being back with my ex as well as breaking people's hearts. But as I thought things couldn't get worse, they did. I recently talked with my ex, and he was crying on the phone, saying that he didn't love me anymore, he was just caring for me and there would be no way we would get back together. On top of that, one of my friends who knew that I was struggling with suicidal thoughts OUTED me and made it public and since then, I have been bombarded with texts and visits, which STRESSES me out and causes me so much anxiety.
This time around, the first time I wanted to end it all, I was exhausted, scared, frightened and overall just fed up with life. And then the second time, I was calm, content, satisfied and ready to go ahead with my method of choice. Now, I was thinking about ending it all on Sunday last week, but for some reasons, it just didn't feel right and I was physically really unwell so I didn't do it. Now the feelings are all rushing back, and this time, it's a mix of emotions from both times and what is really scaring me is that I don't want to die alone and then be found later, dead and cold. I have made wonderful connections with people and the thoughts of having to leave this world with no one around is causing me so much pain.
It's like a part of me wants to live, but a bigger part of me wants to end it all; and now that the only reason that kept me alive for the past month has gone, I am finally at the point of no return. I have had all my affairs in order, but I am just unable to move forward. I know it is far from painless, but I am now thinking of OD on caffeine. Although I have a high pain tolerance, I know that I will be in so much pain. The only reason why suspension is not an option for me is because I have failed multiple times, and I don't want to go through with it anymore. Every time I was about to go through with it, I just backed out. I also can't really get SN where I am either (I know I can, it's just really difficult and the thought of having to wait really frightens me, more than to go through pain for some reasons).
I know I am contradicting myself a lot, but my feelings and emotions are also contradicting themselves. I thought I would just share part of my story here to hopefully get some clarity and direction. If you feel like you want to ask me more, just ask away. I will try my best to answer.
And finally, this is my first thread, and I am so glad to have found this little community. Most everyone here seems to be so understanding and that is just what I need right now.
I, over a month ago, went through a terrible breakup. It was so out of the blue and we loved each other so much. He broke up with me via texts, saying that he wasn't in the headspace for a relationship. I have tried restlessly to get him back, because he was the ONLY happiness I've had since 8. From a bigger picture, this breakup isn't the sole reason for my current sufferings, it's rather many things on top of each other that led me here. Even though I have had so much support from others and I genuinely appreciate them, I have only cared for and held onto the thought of being back with my ex as well as breaking people's hearts. But as I thought things couldn't get worse, they did. I recently talked with my ex, and he was crying on the phone, saying that he didn't love me anymore, he was just caring for me and there would be no way we would get back together. On top of that, one of my friends who knew that I was struggling with suicidal thoughts OUTED me and made it public and since then, I have been bombarded with texts and visits, which STRESSES me out and causes me so much anxiety.
This time around, the first time I wanted to end it all, I was exhausted, scared, frightened and overall just fed up with life. And then the second time, I was calm, content, satisfied and ready to go ahead with my method of choice. Now, I was thinking about ending it all on Sunday last week, but for some reasons, it just didn't feel right and I was physically really unwell so I didn't do it. Now the feelings are all rushing back, and this time, it's a mix of emotions from both times and what is really scaring me is that I don't want to die alone and then be found later, dead and cold. I have made wonderful connections with people and the thoughts of having to leave this world with no one around is causing me so much pain.
It's like a part of me wants to live, but a bigger part of me wants to end it all; and now that the only reason that kept me alive for the past month has gone, I am finally at the point of no return. I have had all my affairs in order, but I am just unable to move forward. I know it is far from painless, but I am now thinking of OD on caffeine. Although I have a high pain tolerance, I know that I will be in so much pain. The only reason why suspension is not an option for me is because I have failed multiple times, and I don't want to go through with it anymore. Every time I was about to go through with it, I just backed out. I also can't really get SN where I am either (I know I can, it's just really difficult and the thought of having to wait really frightens me, more than to go through pain for some reasons).
I know I am contradicting myself a lot, but my feelings and emotions are also contradicting themselves. I thought I would just share part of my story here to hopefully get some clarity and direction. If you feel like you want to ask me more, just ask away. I will try my best to answer.
And finally, this is my first thread, and I am so glad to have found this little community. Most everyone here seems to be so understanding and that is just what I need right now.