Angst Filled Fuck Up
Visionary
- Sep 9, 2018
- 2,931
Sometimes I really don't know how to reconcile the fact that I will never recover. I became sick shortly after my 30th birthday in 2014 and have all but forgotten what it's like to lead a normal life. My fatigue, brain fog and lightheadedness are crushing and soul destroying, especially knowing they're permanent. Even when I muddle through life and think I've done or achieved something meaningful, there is a lingering after-effect of exhaustion, delirium, etc. I feel tipsy, and like I have a form of dementia. Exertion in any form is unpleasant and will give me worsened symptoms in the days thereafter.
For the most part, I have accepted I will never get a diagnosis, but there is no relief anywhere. Nothing really makes it better, none of it is acknowledged or managed in any way. And society is just a bitch. We measure a person's value in terms of how productive they are, essentially how much they work. And with my condition, doing anything work-related is massively taxing and uncomfortable in every way. The more I push myself, the more I'll pay for it. The energy I expend, whether mental or physical, is directly tied to how much I'll suffer in the following days.
Basically I run on 15% and deplete that 15% over and over. I'm a worn out lithium battery.
I have been trying to work (rideshare), but now I'm paying the price. I have really bad symptoms at the moment. My legs are pounding, my head is spinning. I can't believe this is what I get for trying to be productive. All I'm doing is stumbling through a horrible life, and trying to squirrel away every penny I get because I know the future will be even worse.
But I'm tired of thinking about it. Tired of trying to ponder and worry about my future survival. I just want it all to stop.
Assuming I'll have a normal lifespan, I'm only 50% through this nightmare. I have absolutely no clue how to go on for decades more.
How can I do this? I don't have the fortitude to go on. Eventually this whole thing has to end, and I can't last until I'm 70 or 80. N is unsourceable and I'm reaching the end of my tether. What am I going to do?
For the most part, I have accepted I will never get a diagnosis, but there is no relief anywhere. Nothing really makes it better, none of it is acknowledged or managed in any way. And society is just a bitch. We measure a person's value in terms of how productive they are, essentially how much they work. And with my condition, doing anything work-related is massively taxing and uncomfortable in every way. The more I push myself, the more I'll pay for it. The energy I expend, whether mental or physical, is directly tied to how much I'll suffer in the following days.
Basically I run on 15% and deplete that 15% over and over. I'm a worn out lithium battery.
I have been trying to work (rideshare), but now I'm paying the price. I have really bad symptoms at the moment. My legs are pounding, my head is spinning. I can't believe this is what I get for trying to be productive. All I'm doing is stumbling through a horrible life, and trying to squirrel away every penny I get because I know the future will be even worse.
But I'm tired of thinking about it. Tired of trying to ponder and worry about my future survival. I just want it all to stop.
Assuming I'll have a normal lifespan, I'm only 50% through this nightmare. I have absolutely no clue how to go on for decades more.
How can I do this? I don't have the fortitude to go on. Eventually this whole thing has to end, and I can't last until I'm 70 or 80. N is unsourceable and I'm reaching the end of my tether. What am I going to do?