bugfart
12x mental hospital stays
- May 21, 2023
- 14
Hello. I've been crying a lot tonight and it's technically this morning. It's 6 am, I have a college math exam at 1 pm, the sun is starting to come in. It is hard to describe this relationship from start to how it's going but we met in October around this exact time in 2024 and we've been talking romantically since December of 2024. I met him on Instagram in one of the gcs I'm in of people who often make memes. I did not know he was schizophrenic at the time but he often talked about doing drugs. I was 18 and he was 21 at the time and it's taken a huge turn for the worst since he's turned 22. I am a psychology major in college and I used to be so studious in my freshman year and I told everyone how I'd never settle for less in a man, but alas my boyfriend is someone I've never even met in person and doesn't have a job and is an addict and verbally abuses me every day. I don't do drugs. I've been pretty sheltered. 22 is where it all started to go wrong. I know that approaching your mid 20s is when schizophrenia starts to set in the worst and he is also bipolar. He went from sweet and earnestly trying to get clean to a complete nightmare and not who I met at all. If I told you some of the things he says to me on a regular basis, this post would get taken down. He has outbursts at me almost every day and ruins every good time or important day.
As I mentioned, I was studying for my math exam that is in about 7 hours and I vented to him about how I've been in a depressive episode and cutting myself and my period has been going on for 2 months now and my body is giving out. He had an insane delusional outburst even for him and he told me to cut more, to kill myself now and that he'd never be satisfied until I was dead and he would rejoice, that I was a whore and a b*tch and a c*nt and a cheater (I've never once cheated on him but that's one of his most prominent delusions) and that I'm a liar and he finds me disgusting. I've broken up with him about 6 times before. Always got back together. And still haven't met him yet. It was always when his outbursts were too bad to handle and he was being too abusive. I wanted to get the police involved until my heart sunk when I realized that almost none of the information I know about him is correct and I can't build a case. And that his friends have all been stalking me and I can't tell who's honestly my friend or not. He has someone watching what I say in lots of chats. He even wanted to know what this site was called and I told him no. I haven't used sasu in forever but he can't take this from me too.
He's previously called me freaking out on me on my birthday, on vacations with my family, while taking tests, while in lectures, while watching a movie in a theater. And he will scream until his voice goes out. It is terrifying. He calls me all the slurs that apply to me and won't let me speak and won't calm down and what he's accusing me of is completely unfounded. He threatened over the summer to email my school and have me expelled, to find my parents, and recited to me all the info he knows. It's hard to leave. And he's still blowing up my phone as I type this and as I've been typing for a while.. but the other issue is that with his schizophrenia he's self isolating. Lately the only time he wants to talk is when he wants to insult me or be affectionate for maybe 5 minutes then it's back to accusations and insulting. I can't even get the one person who's always been there to take me back to love me anymore. On one instance lately I told him I'd rather he not be a limp dick drunk asshole who can't get it up and he told me he'd rather I be a middle aged latina with a fat ass that's a virgin. Im white and I've had one sexual partner before ever and I had a miscarriage at the age of 15 before and he knows that. And knows my past relationship was terrible. I've done more digging and I've talked to people who know him and his previous gf was mutually abusive to him but was abusive first and he was booked for domestic violence. No one is being 100% transparent about what happened that night but apparently they both fought. And to everyone he knows, he only talks about his abusive ex and how much he misses her but almost never talks about me. Even when broken up he doesn't miss me but talks about her. He has me crucified for making any dirty jokes or liking any reels that have cuss words or anything but has vile posts on his page about liking Latina middle aged pussy and what kind of women he likes and being crushed by thighs and things I can't even think about or else I'll be nauseous.
Hes extremely jealous and delusional and he's under the delusion that me having friends and talking to them when I am sad is emotional cheating. I agreed not to cross his boundaries again and to stop making weird jokes and I have. He still isn't happy. I also keep trying to arrange a date to meet me at my campus and he keeps finding excuses. He keeps arguing about the fact that he needs an id, which he does and I'm not lying about, for security reasons. You cant just invite your boyfriend over in a women's dormitory without identification. I know he's lying about his last name. Fortunately for me, he has loose lips when drunk or high off spice (for a schizophrenic person, doing spice makes it 1000% worse) and getting information is like taking candy from a baby. He's said what route he takes on the bus, the name of his apartments, but for the life of me I can't verify how to spell his last name. That's the missing piece. And I still want to meet him even though he treats me like shit and calls me every slur or insult that could apply to anyone in the history of ever every other day and all of what I just said. I am so embarrassed and I can't leave. I just want to die.
Attached is what he just said to me this morning/tonight, whatever you classify 5 am as when you haven't slept all night
As I mentioned, I was studying for my math exam that is in about 7 hours and I vented to him about how I've been in a depressive episode and cutting myself and my period has been going on for 2 months now and my body is giving out. He had an insane delusional outburst even for him and he told me to cut more, to kill myself now and that he'd never be satisfied until I was dead and he would rejoice, that I was a whore and a b*tch and a c*nt and a cheater (I've never once cheated on him but that's one of his most prominent delusions) and that I'm a liar and he finds me disgusting. I've broken up with him about 6 times before. Always got back together. And still haven't met him yet. It was always when his outbursts were too bad to handle and he was being too abusive. I wanted to get the police involved until my heart sunk when I realized that almost none of the information I know about him is correct and I can't build a case. And that his friends have all been stalking me and I can't tell who's honestly my friend or not. He has someone watching what I say in lots of chats. He even wanted to know what this site was called and I told him no. I haven't used sasu in forever but he can't take this from me too.
He's previously called me freaking out on me on my birthday, on vacations with my family, while taking tests, while in lectures, while watching a movie in a theater. And he will scream until his voice goes out. It is terrifying. He calls me all the slurs that apply to me and won't let me speak and won't calm down and what he's accusing me of is completely unfounded. He threatened over the summer to email my school and have me expelled, to find my parents, and recited to me all the info he knows. It's hard to leave. And he's still blowing up my phone as I type this and as I've been typing for a while.. but the other issue is that with his schizophrenia he's self isolating. Lately the only time he wants to talk is when he wants to insult me or be affectionate for maybe 5 minutes then it's back to accusations and insulting. I can't even get the one person who's always been there to take me back to love me anymore. On one instance lately I told him I'd rather he not be a limp dick drunk asshole who can't get it up and he told me he'd rather I be a middle aged latina with a fat ass that's a virgin. Im white and I've had one sexual partner before ever and I had a miscarriage at the age of 15 before and he knows that. And knows my past relationship was terrible. I've done more digging and I've talked to people who know him and his previous gf was mutually abusive to him but was abusive first and he was booked for domestic violence. No one is being 100% transparent about what happened that night but apparently they both fought. And to everyone he knows, he only talks about his abusive ex and how much he misses her but almost never talks about me. Even when broken up he doesn't miss me but talks about her. He has me crucified for making any dirty jokes or liking any reels that have cuss words or anything but has vile posts on his page about liking Latina middle aged pussy and what kind of women he likes and being crushed by thighs and things I can't even think about or else I'll be nauseous.
Hes extremely jealous and delusional and he's under the delusion that me having friends and talking to them when I am sad is emotional cheating. I agreed not to cross his boundaries again and to stop making weird jokes and I have. He still isn't happy. I also keep trying to arrange a date to meet me at my campus and he keeps finding excuses. He keeps arguing about the fact that he needs an id, which he does and I'm not lying about, for security reasons. You cant just invite your boyfriend over in a women's dormitory without identification. I know he's lying about his last name. Fortunately for me, he has loose lips when drunk or high off spice (for a schizophrenic person, doing spice makes it 1000% worse) and getting information is like taking candy from a baby. He's said what route he takes on the bus, the name of his apartments, but for the life of me I can't verify how to spell his last name. That's the missing piece. And I still want to meet him even though he treats me like shit and calls me every slur or insult that could apply to anyone in the history of ever every other day and all of what I just said. I am so embarrassed and I can't leave. I just want to die.
Attached is what he just said to me this morning/tonight, whatever you classify 5 am as when you haven't slept all night
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