Venting My height drives me crazy everyday

[RealLostSoul]

I have strong body dysmorphia and can't cope. Most doctors tell me I am average (slightly below 6') but I don't feel like being "average". I want to look slender and tall. I am anorexic yet, weighting only 115 pounds but I hate my god damn height. 6'3 would be the minimum to be happy with my body but preferably 6'5. I wish my fucking parents weren't poor so I might be able to do leg lenghtening surgery before I travel to the grave but no, I have to make the cream for myself but until I saved it all up I would be at least 30 years old and at that point its too late anyways. FUCK!!
The thing is, I had delayed puberty and grew up later, so people in my class teased me for my size. My father is also very tall (way taller than I am) and being a pubertal boy I felt jealous (and still do though). It's incredible that you can't escape your childhood and teenage experience. Once mentally ill, always mentally ill.

And it makes me feel bad everyday. When I am at uni and people stand next to me and are taller I instantly project my miserable life onto them, telling myself "they are worth more, they are better" and it makes me go insane.

also, this post is no disrespect to guys that are shorter than I am. Props to you if you are able to cope.

 

[Rachel74]

Sending you hugs

 

[BlessedOffal]

Sending hugs too. I remember when I was younger, I had similar struggles with body dysmorphia, thinking I was fat and deformed because my nose wasn't feminine and my face wasn't symmetrical. I remember wanting to die if I were around girls with perfect noses and a more slender build than I. Every time I was reminded of how deformed I looked, through mirrors or photos, I'd get nauseous and often cry. Therapists told me I was not fat and I'd quit going to them for lying to me so blatantly.

Now I look back at photos and videos from that time and my heart breaks. I was thin and I looked beautiful, more than I will ever be again due to aging. I'm back to a normal weight, a weight that old me would want to kill herself for reaching, and my face, my nose in particular, is just the same. I don't hate the way I look now anymore than the next person. I accept that although I'm not my type, I am someone else's type, and that I can accept, now anyways.

I worked really, really hard to get over it. It wasn't pretty. I wasn't pretty. It was two years straight of allowing myself to reach rock bottom, pile the weight on, which was my greatest fear, and accept 'not being beautiful' for as long as I needed to shed my obsession. It's crazy how different people treated me when I gained weight, wore baggy clothes, and cut my hair. I went all in towards my idea of ugly town.

I know this reply is way long, but I feel your pain so vividly since I've been there and was there for so long. It was miserable. Somehow, even though my mental health has gotten worse, as I'm even more depressed now, I'm still grateful I don't hate myself as intensely as I used to. There's something too final about that type of despair I can't quite pin down. But healing takes time. Years. I don't expect you to believe that it can get better, but I hope that you might be able to entertain the idea.

 

[Wayfaerer]

I am very short but it has never bothered me despite how important height is for men. I admit, I was self-conscious over other things like glasses and having a feminine jawline, which imo is 10 times worse than being short. Everything else about my appearance I am 100% happy with.

 

[ctbUniquectb]

Your height is not complaint worthy, much less suicide worthy: and damned near everything is suicide worthy.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Your height is not complaint worthy, much less suicide worthy: and damned near everything is suicide worthy.

But body dysmorphia, ya know?

If you and OP are in a funhouse, you know the mirror is an illusion, but once you're both outside, OP still sees what was in that mirror. It's how OP sees that is complaint worthy.

 

[ctbUniquectb]

But body dysmorphia, ya know?

If you and OP are in a funhouse, you know the mirror is an illusion, but once you're both outside, OP still sees what was in that mirror. It's how OP sees that is complaint worthy.

Spoiler

 

[Lorntroubles]

Body Dysmorphia is real and it feels horrible to @RealDamagedLostSoul and it's how THEY see it. People hurt about lots of different stuff, doesn't mean you get to decide what they should do. @ctbUniquectb let's not be dismissive just because you think your issues are grander. OP is simply venting.

 

[ctbUniquectb]

@Lorntroubles I think height is gripe worthy, because it leads to social rejection*, but that OP's height will not do so. There's no need to dog pile me after I already accepted the correct criticism from @GoodPersonEffed

*by which I mean dating issues for men

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Spoiler

View attachment 27291

That made me laugh! Well done. :)

 

[Lorntroubles]

@Lorntroubles I think height is gripe worthy, because it leads to social rejection*, but that OP's height will not do so. There's no need to dog pile me after I already accepted the correct criticism from @GoodPersonEffed

*by which I mean dating issues for men

It's not the first time you have been dismissive and it comes off condescending and Goodperson does not speak for me, I can speak for myself. Have a wonderful day. This is not up for discussion.

OP it sucks you have this issue that makes you want to CTB, I'm glad I'm over the hating-my-body phase and hope this one passes.

 

[ctbUniquectb]

That made me laugh! Well done. :)

Hey, you put the smackdown on me. I know when I've been owned.

It's not the first time you have been dismissive

You were in chat last night when I announced I was about to make this post. This was the polite, kind, toned down version. We're all on the same team.

it comes off condescending

I'm responsible for what I say, not how others take it. Especially when it's said with kindness, and in text - which obfuscates nuance.

Goodperson does not speak for me, I can speak for myself.

I neither said nor implied that.

Have a wonderful day. This is not up for discussion.

Again, we're on the same team and I think you're misreading me pretty badly. So, instead of a very Minnesota Nice "have a wonderful day," discussion stands to dispel hurt feelings and improve the forum. Either way, I sincerely wish you the best.

I wish the OP the best, too. Giving up some of my docs: he's WAY taller than me and I'm profoundly insecure about me height.

 

[squirtsoda]

I'm 6'7" but don't be jealous. It's caused me a lot of anxiety because I'm generally afraid of people and hate being noticed. If I catch eyes with someone out in public my mind races about what they're thinking to a ridiculous degree. I hit my head in everything, have some scars on my scalp. People are sometimes afraid of me because I'm so tall. I was traveling for work in the Middle East several years back and I rode up the elevator with a woman going to the 4th floor at my hotel she was staring at me the whole time, turns out she got off on the 4th floor too. So I followed her out. My room was at the end of the hall, so I was following her down the hallway. I tried to keep my distance as much as possible because she looked scared, but she kept looking back, then she started running and furiously got her keycard out to get in her room. By that point I had just stopped about halfway from the elevator because I knew she was thinking I was trying to do something bad to her. 3 minutes after I get to my room I get a heavy knock on the door, it's the Emirati police. It was not a pleasant night.

One of my dreams was to go into the Air Force as a pilot. Not possible if you're 6'7".

The incessant "oh you must be good at Basketball". I hate sports and anything athletic other than swimming.

I feel like 6'1" would make a world of difference for me. But who knows. Girls and guys (I'm bi) have turned me away because I'm too tall, I know that's something you won't often hear. The only long relationship I've had is with a girl who was 6'1".

Your mind can make any positive a negative easily, but it's difficult/impossible to turn that the other way.

 

[ctbUniquectb]

... it's the Emirati police. It was not a pleasant night.

Pigs gonna pig, dude.

I feel like 6'1" would make a world of difference for me. But who knows. Girls and guys (I'm bi) have turned me away because I'm too tall, I know that's something you won't often hear. The only long relationship I've had is with a girl who was 6'1".

There's definitely a Goldilocks height, but it's pretty rare for a man to be as tall as you. On the other hand, while it's common by definition for a man to be a foot shorter than you - which is around average - and have it held against him.

Your mind can make any positive a negative easily, but it's difficult/impossible to turn that the other way.

I'm stealing this quote.