My heartbreak was physically and psychologically killing me

[FireFox]

My heartbreak absolutely tormented me to the point I almost killed myself last year.
Since last year February I have been struggling to get over the man I loved so much. I am in my 20s and the man was in his 50s when I met him. Worst of all I still loved him despite him causing me all this pain.
https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...-he-has-permanently-messed-up-my-head.172481/

Everyday starting from February all the memories of the events and times I spent with the man kept playing back and fourth in my head. These memories where of the good times I had with the man and then it progresses to everything going wrong. These memories were so clear as if it happened yesterday. The memories still continued into my dreams.

No matter what I did to occupy myself the man was embedded in my thoughts. I stopped visting my favourite museum because the man took me there. Certain events and dates also triggered memories involving the man. Last Christmas when I was visting the markets in my city and WinterWonderland the memories of me writing and sending the man the Christmas card at work kept playing in my mind everyday. The feelings of me feeling sorry for him that he was spending Christmas all alone in his house and upset over his elderly fathers death also kept being persistent.

The man constantly being in my thoughts and dreams too became a menacing presence in my life for which I had NO peace.

I wanted to cry but I just couldn't because all I was paralysed with shock of the man's deception, his mind games and how I was just stupid falling in love with a man 30 years older than me and believing he was this nice guy. I thought I knew what I was doing getting involved with an older man but in the end I felt a stupid kid playing an adults game.

I stopped eating to numb all my feelings because I didn't want to feel anything anymore. The physical pain of my anoxeria made me temporarily forget the man and it was peace. I lost my ability to healthiy love other men because the man made me soo scared to love again and open up myself up to anyone. I became a shell of myself.

Last year December I planned to kill myself in my living room because I finally couldn't cope anymore with the heartbreak and just having a year of everything going wrong. I genuinely believed I was this heartbreak pain was never going to go away. The pain felt like a lifetime and physically and psychologically it was killing me.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

These memories were so clear as if it happened yesterday. These memories where of the good times I had with the man Last year December I planned to kill myself in my living room I genuinely believed I was this heartbreak pain was never going to go away. The pain felt like a lifetime and physically and psychologically it was killing me.

And now? Everything you've written in this post is in the "past tense" again ("loved" in another recent post, too), and that is a GOOD THING. Well, with the exception of not being able to trust any other men. But, that's completely understandable and regaining trust in yourself, and your judgment regarding other's motivations, might take some time. Nothing I've said is meant to diminish your hurt. I know you've been hurt. It seems like you're experiencing positive progress, though, no?

 

[EvisceratedJester]

The more you keep letting him occupy your thoughts the more you'll find yourself thinking about him. I understand this this is easier said than done, but you need to try and move on. You are allowing him to win by constantly obsessing over him.

 

[FireFox]

And now? Everything you've written in this post is in the "past tense" again ("loved" in another recent post, too), and that is a GOOD THING. Well, with the exception of not being able to trust any other men. But, that's completely understandable and regaining trust in yourself, and your judgment regarding other's motivations, might take some time. Nothing I've said is meant to diminish your hurt. I know you've been hurt. It seems like you're experiencing positive progress, though, no?

@locked*n*loaded During the summer holidays i met a different guy and as I began to develop feelings for the new guy I eventually began to forget about the older man I loved so much.

Its my crazy my experience with the new guy. He is 30 years old. The guy and I knew each other because I am a customer at the CBD shop he works at.In the shop we regularly talk to each other and we have the most interesting conversations. The shop is at certain times has no customers so yeah that is how we talk. He looks very happy to see whenever I come.

In july when the shop was closing I asked the man for his number and asked him if he can go on a walk with me. The area has canals and lots of markets.

He actaully agreed. We had a great time on our walk and that's how we got messaging each other regularly.

Yeserday on Saturday morning he rejects me because I pratice Catholic religion when he found out i was Catholic then he began to change towards me. I told the man I will never force my beliefs on him and I am very respectful of other people's beliefs as I grew up with people with different faiths and no religion but the man said religion is a deal breaker for him a redline. The man is an anti-thiest

Anti theism is a philosophy which opposes the belief in the existence of God and the establishment of organised religion. Anti Thiests see religion and belief in a God as very harm and must be opposed. I want to get married in a catholic church the man will not want a church wedding. If we had a baby the man would refuse for me to baptise the baby or if I wanted to send our child to Catholic school he would refuse. For him being with me means coming into contact with religion. I am a Liberal Catholic who goes to church and pray but its my private businesses and I will never judge anyone for not believing in a God

He said he is sorry for wasting my time. I told him "no you never wasted my time. You showed me how to love again and for that I will always be grateful"

I realise now finding the new guy helped me move on from the previous guy, to heal properly and to go back to my old self again. we have parted ways amicably. I am glad this has happened. I really liked him and accepted him for who is he is such a shame he couldn't do the same for me. This was the same man who complained to me about the women rejecting him and not showing an interest in him. I give himself to him on a plate saying I want to be with him and he says no.

The man had a lot of internal deep issues looking back now it would have not been a healthy loving relationship. The man once said to me I am messed up" . I didn't care about his past traumas and accepted him as he was but now I realise I was translation for " I can't give you a normal loving relationship" he said it for a reason but I couldn't see it.He was attracted to me i saw it in eyes when I saw the last time before he goes on to reject me

 

[FireFox]

The more you keep letting him occupy your thoughts the more you'll find yourself thinking about him. I understand this this is easier said than done, but you need to try and move on. You are allowing him to win by constantly obsessing over him.

@EvisceratedJester The weird thing is I rescently only got over the man because in the summer I ended up meeting a new man and hung out with him throughout the summer.

He eventually rejected me last weekend I was upset for a bit because i did like him but the signs were always there i was never going to be good enough for him and the man has loads of issues.

Strangely I am glad it happened because if I never met that man I was never going to get over the other man. The time I spent with the new guy I began to forget the previous guy and he no longer appeared in my thoughts anymore. Even when I explained to the new guy everything I went through with the other man recalling all the other events the experience no longer haunts me but now feels like just a bad dream where I now feel " did that really happen?"

I never used to understand how people fall apart when they are heartbroken over an ex or unrequited love until I ended up going through the pain of unrequited love and being humiliated and disrespected by a man I loved so much and respected.

 

[JessIsAlive]

My heartbreak absolutely tormented me to the point I almost killed myself last year.
Since last year February I have been struggling to get over the man I loved so much. I am in my 20s and the man was in his 50s when I met him. Worst of all I still loved him despite him causing me all this pain.
https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...-he-has-permanently-messed-up-my-head.172481/

Everyday starting from February all the memories of the events and times I spent with the man kept playing back and fourth in my head. These memories where of the good times I had with the man and then it progresses to everything going wrong. These memories were so clear as if it happened yesterday. The memories still continued into my dreams.

No matter what I did to occupy myself the man was embedded in my thoughts. I stopped visting my favourite museum because the man took me there. Certain events and dates also triggered memories involving the man. Last Christmas when I was visting the markets in my city and WinterWonderland the memories of me writing and sending the man the Christmas card at work kept playing in my mind everyday. The feelings of me feeling sorry for him that he was spending Christmas all alone in his house and upset over his elderly fathers death also kept being persistent.

The man constantly being in my thoughts and dreams too became a menacing presence in my life for which I had NO peace.

I wanted to cry but I just couldn't because all I was paralysed with shock of the man's deception, his mind games and how I was just stupid falling in love with a man 30 years older than me and believing he was this nice guy. I thought I knew what I was doing getting involved with an older man but in the end I felt a stupid kid playing an adults game.

I stopped eating to numb all my feelings because I didn't want to feel anything anymore. The physical pain of my anoxeria made me temporarily forget the man and it was peace. I lost my ability to healthiy love other men because the man made me soo scared to love again and open up myself up to anyone. I became a shell of myself.

Last year December I planned to kill myself in my living room because I finally couldn't cope anymore with the heartbreak and just having a year of everything going wrong. I genuinely believed I was this heartbreak pain was never going to go away. The pain felt like a lifetime and physically and psychologically it was killing me.

I'm with you. These words describe very closely almost exactly how I've been feeling and what I went through except with a different person.. Pair that with feeling different and insecure about my body for my whole life and repressed memories of being sexually assaulted by my uncle when I was something like 5 years old. I just want it all to end. I need a method.
Sorry I'm not trying to make this about myself, I don't know what you went through only you do but I wish you the best and hope you can heal or find peace any way possible and thanks for writing these words which I can relate to

 

[FireFox]

I'm with you. These words describe very closely almost exactly how I've been feeling and what I went through except with a different person.. Pair that with feeling different and insecure about my body for my whole life and repressed memories of being sexually assaulted by my uncle when I was something like 5 years old. I just want it all to end. I need a method.
Sorry I'm not trying to make this about myself, I don't know what you went through only you do but I wish you the best and hope you can heal or find peace any way possible and thanks for writing these words which I can relate to

@JessIsAlive Enormous virtual hug to you. You deserved so much better.

Can you relete to this ?

Since last year in my head from the minute I woke up all the events I had with the man I loved I could physically see replaying in my head as if I was watching a movie. Even when I kept busy the events still kept replaying over and over again in my head. No matter how many months passed everyday I felt like the events happened only yesterday. Even sleep couldn't relieve me of the pain because the events continued to play in my head. The events when they replayed where not in chronological order.

For example last summer I was at a really awesome museum then in my head it was replaying the time he looked at me in the office and stared at me as if it was nothing. The events that replayed in my head was the day I was humiliated in the office by our boss who was the man's friend. Physically I could see it all replaying. Another time when I was at a theme park in my head I couldn't stop remembering the time man mentioned he couldn't keep up with a 25 year old woman.

I felt like I was stuck in a movie. The human mind is so cruel.

Far too many people think its so f---cking easy to get over the past and "move on." If getting over heartbreak or past pain in general was so easy we would all be doing it no one chooses to be in prolonged pain. My heartbreak absolutely tormented me everyday especially everything that older man put me through. Worst of all the lying arsehole kept playing the f--cking victim and got also the sympathy from while I was painted as an immature crazy woman besotted with an older man. Entilted piece of sh--t

Since last year in my head from the minute I woke up all the events I had with the man I loved I could physically see replaying in my head as if I was watching a movie. Even when I kept busy the events still kept replaying over and over again in my head. No matter how many months passed everyday I felt like the events happened only yesterday. Even sleep couldn't relieve me of the pain because the events continued to play in my head.

Now the man no longer appears my thoughts and dreams. When I try to recall specific events it all feels like a bad dream. Only when I met someone else in the summer and developed feelings for them I forgot about the man. I am glad the new guy later on rejected me and I even thanked him me spending the summer with him helped me get over the old guy.