starrvingstar
suicidal anorexic
- Apr 9, 2023
- 141
not feeling so good lately, as every day goes by i feel more and more unhappy with myself. i feel like a parent who's child has disappointed them. my distractions do not bring me any interruption to my stress anymore. not even worried about what im eating, it used to be the highlight of my days when i follow a meal plan i made the night before while i closed my eyes. im not even disappointed at myself for eating more than what i planned. im not eating at all and hardly worried when i do because its so little. i feel lightheaded most of the day i can barely function, i think my actions are catching up. feeling more and more like the shell of a human ive always been. i dont mean anything to anybody enough to mean something to myself, or be someone to myself. im constantly stressed about things that might go wrong in the future, if they even happen at all. i hate myself and the person i put out to others, but if i acted like how i felt i wouldnt be much better at all. i wish i made better connections with the people around me instead of pushing them away my entire life, for years. now its hitting me that ill never see them again the way i have for the past thirteen years of my life. their faces are beautiful, their smiles their shapes and their heights make them human. i want to thank them but they destroyed whatever i was. i mean nothing and i feel nothing. i wish i would stop feeling like im having a constant panic attack for days on end.
i like to walk around nature and remember life is bigger than i am. often times. oftentimes i look up at all the trees and buildings around me watching them grow taller than they would ever be. i feel my body shrink as if my eyes are on the ground. but I feel hands growing bigger when I hope the small ant thats found its way onto me back into their habitat. ferns always bring me comfort, reminds me of my favourite video games and they welcome me into another world.
i want to lay my dying body against the soft mounds of soil and let the birds make nests in my hair. i want the sun to shimmer against my tears. i want the earth to consume me and cover me in roots and moss.
i want to float on a still lake and feel amongst the stars, letting the wind move my body until i cant anymore.
i can no longer breathe, i can no longer think, i can no longer see. here i am moving my legs without any direction i am moving so fast but going nowhere while my stomach cries is in pain in hopes to reverse any damage i have done. filling my lungs to keep my mouth busy.
my head hurts.
i like to walk around nature and remember life is bigger than i am. often times. oftentimes i look up at all the trees and buildings around me watching them grow taller than they would ever be. i feel my body shrink as if my eyes are on the ground. but I feel hands growing bigger when I hope the small ant thats found its way onto me back into their habitat. ferns always bring me comfort, reminds me of my favourite video games and they welcome me into another world.
i want to lay my dying body against the soft mounds of soil and let the birds make nests in my hair. i want the sun to shimmer against my tears. i want the earth to consume me and cover me in roots and moss.
i want to float on a still lake and feel amongst the stars, letting the wind move my body until i cant anymore.
i can no longer breathe, i can no longer think, i can no longer see. here i am moving my legs without any direction i am moving so fast but going nowhere while my stomach cries is in pain in hopes to reverse any damage i have done. filling my lungs to keep my mouth busy.
my head hurts.
