Today my father told me that my grandfather died. I lived in a different country than my grandfather so we didn't get to see each other much. I've only seen him in person during the 2 times I visited his country and that was years ago back when I was a child. I feel sad and wish he were still alive but part of me feels like that because of my own mental issues I was not able to form a proper bond with him. Often when I talked to my grandfather he would be happy while I was stiff with my conversations. This wasn't exclusively with him but with all my family members. I felt the same when my aunt died, my own mental problems got in the way of me forming normal family bonds. I wish I could comfort my dad better but I struggle to because I guess in a way I'm emotionally stunted. My dad has already lost several of his family members because of different health reasons and I know it has hurt him even though he tries to hide it. I feel sorry for not being a better son to him during these times. I especially feel bad when I eventually ctb. I don't know how he'll handle it. Does anyone else feel a similar way when a family member dies?
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Yes, I kind of don't know how to react, SPECIALLY because I would like to be the one dying, so I don't feel sorry....
But concerning comforting your dad, if you can, just spend time with him, even if it is just to be quiet next to him. Sometimes when someone is hurting, just staying there for them helps.
Cheers
But concerning comforting your dad, if you can, just spend time with him, even if it is just to be quiet next to him. Sometimes when someone is hurting, just staying there for them helps.
Cheers
I am so sorry for your grand fathers passing.
One can take solace in the fact that you are here and a part of your grand father is with you in mind and spirit.
You are comforting your father , in his time of need, by 1st and foremost recognizing the aspect that your dad is hurting right now and that you are thinking of him. You said you feel sorry for not being a better son and see what I mean in my last sentence? YOU are a VERY kind, loving and thoughtful soul. You made my day as far as after reading your post and seeing the love that you have for your father and others, it rekindled my faith in humankind.
You are a awesome person and I send lots of hugs and love and the knowledge that you are not alone ever.
My wish for you is a relaxing upcoming weekend and I am with you,
Walter
One can take solace in the fact that you are here and a part of your grand father is with you in mind and spirit.
You are comforting your father , in his time of need, by 1st and foremost recognizing the aspect that your dad is hurting right now and that you are thinking of him. You said you feel sorry for not being a better son and see what I mean in my last sentence? YOU are a VERY kind, loving and thoughtful soul. You made my day as far as after reading your post and seeing the love that you have for your father and others, it rekindled my faith in humankind.
You are a awesome person and I send lots of hugs and love and the knowledge that you are not alone ever.
My wish for you is a relaxing upcoming weekend and I am with you,
Walter
Manaaja
euROPE
- Sep 10, 2018
- 1,474
I'm really sorry for all of you. Death of a loved one is always a really horrible thing. I lost my dog (my only true friend and the only family member I didn't hate) two days ago and it feels like nothing matters, as if there is nothing but emptiness and misery. I don't feel like doing anything. You might feel the same.
I wish you could have seen him a lot more, but maybe in afterlife. Don't blame yourself. It's not your fault that you have had a difficult life. I have a hearing sensitivity. A lot of noises cause me severe anxiety and stress. I cannot stand air conditioner's noise. My life would be a lot easier and better if I didn't have hearing sensitivity. I'm the person will wishes to tear their own ears off when everyone else can barely hear anything. If I didn't have hearing sensitivity I'd be able to live in many more apartments and sleeping would be a hundred times easier. But guess what? I didn't ask to have hearing sensitivity. You didn't ask to have the problems you have now. So please, don't blame yourself.
Think "How would I like to be comforted?" and then comfort the same way. I've seen movies where people hug each other when they are sad, but because I've lived in a family and with relatives who don't practice that, it's hard for me to hug anyone. I never hug anyone unless they ask me if they can hug me because I fear I'll be seen as a creep or weirdo, yet when people hug me I never see them as weird or creepy I see them as nice and friendly. I guess there's the kind of "I want to hug or comfort but I fear they don't want hugs and comfort from me". It's just how you have lived. If you spend all your time with people who are good at social things, you become better at social things.
It's understandable that losing someone can make it harder to be social. At least for me, there's the kind of fear of "If I get close to this person, then they will die too. If I never get close to another person, I'll never have to experience the pain and misery of losing them".
I wish I could offer you advice on how to deal with death, but I'm not good at deaths myself. The only thing I know is that I have to get up from bed, I have to do something, even when it hurts I have to exercise even a tiny bit. Even for ten seconds. I fear I'll end up just lying in bed and eating till I become severely overweight. It's really hard for me to go to walk without my dog, because I suffer from social anxieties and fears. When I have a dog with me, I can focus on the dog and I know that nothing bad will happen to me and that the dog will protect me, but without my dog it feels like every person is a potential threat.
I'd recommend getting a dog. You can practice social skills with it. You can talk to it. You get comfort from it. You can go for walks or play, or train, or get a hobby like agility. You get a meaning for your life with it. Of course if you are sure you will ctb soon then it's a bad idea. I suffer from that problem. I can't live without a dog, yet if I get a dog and ctb, it will be bad for the dog. You could get a pet that lives a shorter time, but if you bonded deeply, then you'd have to bear the tragedy of losing that pet.
Life is full of difficult choices and yet it feel like nothing matter, all dies. You spend your whole time thinking whether should I do X or Y and then all dies and in the end you feel like it didn't matter.
I don't give a shit about memories. Everyone always says "You can think of the happy memories." I care more about action. I don't want to go sit in a chair, close my eyes and think of the time I was walking with the dog. I feel that's delusional. I fear that if I did that I would go crazy and soon I'd be walking a stuffed toy claiming that it's my dog. Memories just make me sad. They are like a lottery ticket saying "Congratulations! You won 10 million euros! Redeem your price before today." or telling a hungry person "But you just ate a piece of bread five days ago." Not helpful. I also have serious trouble thinking of memories because I start to cry too much; I tried thinking of the walks we had with dogs but I started to cry so much, I felt like I'd drown. It's too painful.
Fuck life. Fuck death. Fuck everything. I refuse to believe that the point of life is suffering. Yet for every minor happy thing there's a shit load of suffering. You bought a dog? The dog gets killed. You meet a person and get married? That person dies in a car accident. You have a child? The child is born severely disabled and has to live their whole life in hospital home. You ace all your tests? Well you still won't get a job. You get a job? Shitty coworkers and client. Nice job? You'll be overworked till your whole life is just working from dawn to dusk every day. A nice job and no overwork? Have fun living in poverty. A dream apartment? Ceiling breaks and mold gets in. Another dream apartment? Have fun when next week a severely alcoholic 18 year old karaoke lover partybitch with a violent drug using bassloving partylover boytoy and their 3 year old screaming kid move in and you have to listen to their screaming, running, karaoke, partying, drinking, raping, spouse abuse, child abuse every day. The only thing sure is that you will suffer.
I feel like there's an entity watching over me, like an anti-guardian angel, who makes sure I suffer a lot. As if the worst thing that could ever happen to this world was that I didn't suffer. I've gone through so much shit during my life that it can't be a coincidence.
Why can people even feel suffering? Or at least, why can people feel suffering so deeply? There's no benefit to feeling so much suffering. I guess that feeling suffering makes us human, but if that's the case, I'd rather not be a human.
Sorry, this post went more negative than I wanted. But please, even if it's hard, try to get out of bed, eat and drink 2 litres of water and get enough salt. And exercise even a tiny bit. Even when you probably don't feel like doing anything. I wish strength for you and your father, and I hope something good will happen to you both soon, even a tiny bit of good.
I wish you could have seen him a lot more, but maybe in afterlife. Don't blame yourself. It's not your fault that you have had a difficult life. I have a hearing sensitivity. A lot of noises cause me severe anxiety and stress. I cannot stand air conditioner's noise. My life would be a lot easier and better if I didn't have hearing sensitivity. I'm the person will wishes to tear their own ears off when everyone else can barely hear anything. If I didn't have hearing sensitivity I'd be able to live in many more apartments and sleeping would be a hundred times easier. But guess what? I didn't ask to have hearing sensitivity. You didn't ask to have the problems you have now. So please, don't blame yourself.
Think "How would I like to be comforted?" and then comfort the same way. I've seen movies where people hug each other when they are sad, but because I've lived in a family and with relatives who don't practice that, it's hard for me to hug anyone. I never hug anyone unless they ask me if they can hug me because I fear I'll be seen as a creep or weirdo, yet when people hug me I never see them as weird or creepy I see them as nice and friendly. I guess there's the kind of "I want to hug or comfort but I fear they don't want hugs and comfort from me". It's just how you have lived. If you spend all your time with people who are good at social things, you become better at social things.
It's understandable that losing someone can make it harder to be social. At least for me, there's the kind of fear of "If I get close to this person, then they will die too. If I never get close to another person, I'll never have to experience the pain and misery of losing them".
I wish I could offer you advice on how to deal with death, but I'm not good at deaths myself. The only thing I know is that I have to get up from bed, I have to do something, even when it hurts I have to exercise even a tiny bit. Even for ten seconds. I fear I'll end up just lying in bed and eating till I become severely overweight. It's really hard for me to go to walk without my dog, because I suffer from social anxieties and fears. When I have a dog with me, I can focus on the dog and I know that nothing bad will happen to me and that the dog will protect me, but without my dog it feels like every person is a potential threat.
I'd recommend getting a dog. You can practice social skills with it. You can talk to it. You get comfort from it. You can go for walks or play, or train, or get a hobby like agility. You get a meaning for your life with it. Of course if you are sure you will ctb soon then it's a bad idea. I suffer from that problem. I can't live without a dog, yet if I get a dog and ctb, it will be bad for the dog. You could get a pet that lives a shorter time, but if you bonded deeply, then you'd have to bear the tragedy of losing that pet.
Life is full of difficult choices and yet it feel like nothing matter, all dies. You spend your whole time thinking whether should I do X or Y and then all dies and in the end you feel like it didn't matter.
I don't give a shit about memories. Everyone always says "You can think of the happy memories." I care more about action. I don't want to go sit in a chair, close my eyes and think of the time I was walking with the dog. I feel that's delusional. I fear that if I did that I would go crazy and soon I'd be walking a stuffed toy claiming that it's my dog. Memories just make me sad. They are like a lottery ticket saying "Congratulations! You won 10 million euros! Redeem your price before today." or telling a hungry person "But you just ate a piece of bread five days ago." Not helpful. I also have serious trouble thinking of memories because I start to cry too much; I tried thinking of the walks we had with dogs but I started to cry so much, I felt like I'd drown. It's too painful.
Fuck life. Fuck death. Fuck everything. I refuse to believe that the point of life is suffering. Yet for every minor happy thing there's a shit load of suffering. You bought a dog? The dog gets killed. You meet a person and get married? That person dies in a car accident. You have a child? The child is born severely disabled and has to live their whole life in hospital home. You ace all your tests? Well you still won't get a job. You get a job? Shitty coworkers and client. Nice job? You'll be overworked till your whole life is just working from dawn to dusk every day. A nice job and no overwork? Have fun living in poverty. A dream apartment? Ceiling breaks and mold gets in. Another dream apartment? Have fun when next week a severely alcoholic 18 year old karaoke lover partybitch with a violent drug using bassloving partylover boytoy and their 3 year old screaming kid move in and you have to listen to their screaming, running, karaoke, partying, drinking, raping, spouse abuse, child abuse every day. The only thing sure is that you will suffer.
I feel like there's an entity watching over me, like an anti-guardian angel, who makes sure I suffer a lot. As if the worst thing that could ever happen to this world was that I didn't suffer. I've gone through so much shit during my life that it can't be a coincidence.
Why can people even feel suffering? Or at least, why can people feel suffering so deeply? There's no benefit to feeling so much suffering. I guess that feeling suffering makes us human, but if that's the case, I'd rather not be a human.
Sorry, this post went more negative than I wanted. But please, even if it's hard, try to get out of bed, eat and drink 2 litres of water and get enough salt. And exercise even a tiny bit. Even when you probably don't feel like doing anything. I wish strength for you and your father, and I hope something good will happen to you both soon, even a tiny bit of good.
Loved your post, thanks :)
I identify with a lot of the points you said. I have three cats who I absolutely adore, and when they die, I will die together in tears. And I don't want to adopt other ones because they will be anchors for me to ctb or they will die before me, which will kill me more.
Life is indeed suffering, and whoever/whatever has put us in this shit is truly evil!!!
eryu
Member
- Sep 25, 2021
- 90
I used to have sort of lofty ideas about reconnecting with family, bringing more of us together, building bridges, supporting each other.
I was too embarrassed to talk to any of them because of my own life circumstances and just having nothing to talk about, constant anxiety.
I felt a terrible sense of defeat and loss when I gradually heard news of elderly relatives dying, knowing anything chance of a relationship and any helpful perspectives they could have offered were gone forever. Even before they died, I knew they were getting older and the chance of any quality time was slipping away.
I had one awkward meeting with my grandfather before he died. He was barely able to speak. It was a terrible ordeal, me being unsure of what people really mean (or whether they've understood me) at the best of times and him only able to mumble and vaguely gesture. I nervously stumbled into serious discussion territory and revealed I did not believe in God which seemed to greatly upset him.
It just confirmed by idea that I should probably not talk. At least I have some consolation later hearing from others that he was a rather lousy person but it was still awful.
I was too embarrassed to talk to any of them because of my own life circumstances and just having nothing to talk about, constant anxiety.
I felt a terrible sense of defeat and loss when I gradually heard news of elderly relatives dying, knowing anything chance of a relationship and any helpful perspectives they could have offered were gone forever. Even before they died, I knew they were getting older and the chance of any quality time was slipping away.
I had one awkward meeting with my grandfather before he died. He was barely able to speak. It was a terrible ordeal, me being unsure of what people really mean (or whether they've understood me) at the best of times and him only able to mumble and vaguely gesture. I nervously stumbled into serious discussion territory and revealed I did not believe in God which seemed to greatly upset him.
It just confirmed by idea that I should probably not talk. At least I have some consolation later hearing from others that he was a rather lousy person but it was still awful.
FTL.Wanderer
Enlightened
- May 31, 2018
- 1,782
I hope it doesn't seem odd to offer you condolences. It sounds like you loved your grandfather. Like you said, dealing with the pain we feel when we lose someone we love and the awareness of how our emotional issues might have affected our relationship with them can be hard. It's one reason I've left everyone I ever knew. The combined loss and guilt over not having been supportive enough, thanks to my own issues, when they were around is suffocating for me. Hope something good happens to you soon.
Thank you to everyone who replied to this thread, your responses have helped me and I'm thankful to be apart of such a supportive community!
Manaaja
euROPE
- Sep 10, 2018
- 1,474
You're welcome. I feared it might be too negative. I wanted it to be more neutral, but I'm just too sad and angry.
Agreed! I wish no one suffered, or at least that suffering was used as a "tool" rather than whole life. What I mean is, I recently saw on a television a woman who suffered from emotional eating (she had had a really bad life and ate for comfort) but when she had gone to a gym, people had said nasty things like "What's a fatty doing at gym? Shouldn't you be at home eating and watching Netflix?" and then she had gotten too scared of going to gym, stayed at home and gotten even fatter. If those people, when they said those nasty things, suddenly got a nasty headache or leg pain or diarrhea that lasted till they apologized and learned that it's wrong to bodyshame someone who is trying to lose weight that would have been nice. If suffering was used to teach people to be nicer, to punish bad guys till they became nicer, that would be good. But suffering seems too random. Suffering without a good reason is the worst. It would be ten times easier to endure my suffering if I was sure it was a punishment for something, but suffering for no reason, that's the worst. So I really hope there's a good reason for suffering, otherwise I'll lose my mind. When I was still a very religious Christian, I used to always guess what I did wrong. I felt that I must be a bad person and God is punishing me for sins. I'm no longer a Christian (and I save 30€ a year by not belonging to any church), but I just can't get over that "It's my fault. I'm being punished". Like I know my dog died because my mother is a narcissistic arsehole who killed my dog without my permission and thus committed a crime and I could sue them in court but I can't get rid of this feeling that maybe this is all just a test or punishment from God or another being. It's not that my family was especially religious, it's actually school. I went to a normal school, but even normal schools in my country can be really religious. Mandatory church visits, mandatory bible reading, mandatory christian lessons. Even the law says that if your parents are Christians, it doesn't matter if you're not, you must study bible and Christianity and go to church etc.
While it's true that there are good things in life, I'm the type of person who is much severely impacted by bad things. Imagine if every Monday was bad, but every other day was guaranteed to be really good. I'm so sensitive to bad things and so insensitive to good things that it would take me till Sunday to get over the bad thing that happened on Monday. And then the next day it would be Monday again. And the same with deaths. Deaths cause so much pain to me that it will take me years to get over death (or at least one year), but by the time I get over one death, another person will die.
I know what you mean! It hurts a lot if the pets die before you, but it also hurts a lot if you die before the pets. I recently read of a woman who killed herself and her dog with gas (probably gassed the whole room for both of them to die), and while I understand why she did that, it would feel like a murder to kill your own animal for me, I couldn't kill my own pet, unless the pet was severely suffering. I just have this eternal wish that maybe it will magically get better.
I hope your cats are healthy and doing well. I read today that oldest cats have lived up to 38 (there are several cases of this), and one cat had given birth to two kittens at age 30. A lot of cats can live up to 20 when cared well and if not getting run over by car or eaten by a lynx. I know many cats that have easily lived up to 20, I wish dogs could do that too. The oldest dog died aged 29. And while several dog breeds can live till 15-20 when taken very good care and an environment and food that promotes long life and a good breed and a bit of luck, I still wish dogs lived longer. They should at least live up to 20-30. Sigh. If only good dogs (and cats and good humans) lived longer and bad humans lived shorter.
Well, at least with pets, while each pet has its own personality, habits and likes/dislikes, you can buy another pet, even if that new pet can't replace the old pet and is a different being. With humans you can't buy another human. This is why I wish we could have androids like in Detroid become human. They'd never die, they would never move away, they wouldn't betray you or hurt you or get sick. And if you were close to ctb or dying from old age or cancer etc., you could turn them off or perform a factory reset, wipe their memories and give them away. I saw a documentary about an old lonely japanese woman. She got a robot, the robot couldn't move but it could talk like a human. You could have really realistic conversations with it. She talked to the robot every day so much that it started to feel like the robot was her child. She was much less lonelier with the robot, even though she still wanted to meet other people. And I read about some nursery home which bought robot seals for their clients. While a robot might not replace a flesh and blood human, it can at least alleviate loneliness.
Sorry if I wrote too much about my own life. I have always written long posts but after my dog died I just forget what I'm doing and where I am and I just write.
Don't worry about the length! I really enjoyed reading it :)
And I resonate with a lot of things you said! Specially with how great it would be if suffering was really a teaching mechanism and not totally random!
Sometimes I get so fed up with bad/unfair stuff happening that I get numb.. sometimes I get irritated, and sometimes I start reading again all about ctb methods to calm myself.
I am so sorry you lost your dog this way :/
You seem to be a very good person
Manaaja
euROPE
- Sep 10, 2018
- 1,474
I'm glad! Some people find my posts too long and so it's always a gamble whether a person will read my posts or skip them.Don't worry about the length! I really enjoyed reading it :)
And I resonate with a lot of things you said! Specially with how great it would be if suffering was really a teaching mechanism and not totally random!
Sometimes I get so fed up with bad/unfair stuff happening that I get numb.. sometimes I get irritated, and sometimes I start reading again all about ctb methods to calm myself.
I am so sorry you lost your dog this way :/
You seem to be a very good person
Now that I think about it more, if you get punished for bad things, it would be nice if you got rewarded for doing the right thing. Imagine if you could heal a broken leg by doing a nice thing.
The exact same with me.
Thank you. It's really hard to get over it. I haven't slept much at all. It's 2pm and I still haven't gone to sleep. I don't feel like sleeping. I tried to cheer myself up by looking at dogs for sale and thinking that I can buy a new dog, but in the end I started to think that I want my own dog, not any of them. Every dog is an individual. My dog was really smart and kind. I fear that if I got another dog now, I couldn't appreciate its own nature and behavior, I'd just wish she was exactly like my old dog.
Life really can be unfair. I have often wished that I would never have to meet my parents, that they just disappeared. Yet at the same time, many people including you on this forum have spoken about how they wish their family member or relative hadn't died. I wish I could exchange my parents's lives for your grandpa's and my dog's. Oh well.
Thank you! These days I'm so lost I don't know how to be or who I am or what I should do. I feel like a worthless slave to my parents's evil. Sigh. I want to escape.
FTL.Wanderer
Enlightened
- May 31, 2018
- 1,782
So much of what you wrote I identify with. Deeply. But the above was an unexpected bit of dark humor for me. I just called out of my evening job JUST SO I could make myself something to eat (wage slave working since 6AM without break). So, I'm guiltily shoveling food into my mouth as I read what you wrote... Food's got to be one of the cheapest but most abused drugs.
