Stan
Factoid Hunter
- Aug 29, 2019
- 2,589
Not sure if venting is the right one but just thought I'd stick something down as part of self therapy as my decision to do what I plan to do is still valid and I am still determined, but somewhat surprised by my emotions tonight.
So on top of my notes, letters and delayed emails, I decided to have one on one social things with people that meant a lot to me in the past. I guess if they responded to my invitation after being ghosted for two years meant there was a reciprocal feeling. My first one was tonight, had delayed it by a week but thought I would bite the bullet, how hard could it be? So my meeting was with someone who I took under my wing in a work capacity many years ago, she was young and full of enthusiasm and a willingness to work hard, The corporate environment I was in was a bit toxic at times, quite old fashioned in the way dirty old men in management would try and take advantage in any young female who came into line of sight. My own daughter was about 10 years old at that time, having her gave me a completely different viewpoint on life and what was acceptable in respect to treating colleagues, especially women in the workplace. Would I want my daughter to endure that? So I took her under my wing, gave her protection and watched her flourish in her career based on her effort rather than any other means. For many years we have been friends and many years I have given her dad style advice about stuff in the workplace and more commonly in real life.
Tonight I met up with her. There was a physical reaction on her face as she saw me for the first time in years. Sunken cheeks was one remark as well as general critique on my appearance that I could do with eating a few cream cakes and a trip to the tailor. After all the 'I haven't seen you in years' chats we slipped into the old routine of daughter / dad advice chats very quickly and easily as if a day hadn't passed. She never had a dad when she grew up as much as my ex-wife forced an estrangement on my children and myself, so she fitted easily into what I needed and visa versa, we were compatible with what we missed and what we could give each other. I was on a personal mission though. I was there to say goodbye. I wanted to say how proud I was of her I was, I achieved that. I wanted to give her advice on the future she now had with her new husband, somewhat achieved that. Things went wrong when she started to talk about the future. Back in the day I used to throw some good parties, She went into a monologue of how I must do one for either Christmas or new years, and how the ones in the past were absolutely memorable. It was then I started to crack. She was talking about a date that i knew I wasn't going to be around. She became insistent, in a friendly teasing way, daring me to organise one. She knew I could never resist a dare back in the day. I knew I wasn't going to be here on that date. I knew she thought she was going to see me again. In a crowded bar, I started to weep at the table. Not wailing or gnashing by teeth, just tears slowly rolling down my cheeks. Funny how people react to that sight. I was so unprepared by it that I didn't even have time to excuse myself to go to the bathroom She just started to talk very quickly about the stupidest of things and I mean really quickly to the point I think she spoke for 5 minutes without taking a breath. I made an excuse that I am on meds and I really shouldn't be drinking and said to call it a night.
Walked to the train station together. She turned and said how lovely it was to see me. She said "Well I am going to see you soon, before Christmas for sure" I could tell the question came because she sensed something, I could be wrong but never did we ever set deadlines or targets before. I didn't want to end with a lie, I said "Goodnight and take good care of yourself, I couldn't be prouder of you if I tried". Its possible I am reading too much into it, but I had a feeling she knew something was not right. Have a few more of these events and starting to wonder if I am not punishing myself a little for them to be able to say they had one last drink with me. Seriously thinking of just sticking to leaving letters, but I know for these type of people, having one last drink with them is far more better. For me, its been a bit like hitting SI which I have not encountered yet in the context of making an attempt. But it sure is hard. Rant over - continue your business, nothing to see here.
So on top of my notes, letters and delayed emails, I decided to have one on one social things with people that meant a lot to me in the past. I guess if they responded to my invitation after being ghosted for two years meant there was a reciprocal feeling. My first one was tonight, had delayed it by a week but thought I would bite the bullet, how hard could it be? So my meeting was with someone who I took under my wing in a work capacity many years ago, she was young and full of enthusiasm and a willingness to work hard, The corporate environment I was in was a bit toxic at times, quite old fashioned in the way dirty old men in management would try and take advantage in any young female who came into line of sight. My own daughter was about 10 years old at that time, having her gave me a completely different viewpoint on life and what was acceptable in respect to treating colleagues, especially women in the workplace. Would I want my daughter to endure that? So I took her under my wing, gave her protection and watched her flourish in her career based on her effort rather than any other means. For many years we have been friends and many years I have given her dad style advice about stuff in the workplace and more commonly in real life.
Tonight I met up with her. There was a physical reaction on her face as she saw me for the first time in years. Sunken cheeks was one remark as well as general critique on my appearance that I could do with eating a few cream cakes and a trip to the tailor. After all the 'I haven't seen you in years' chats we slipped into the old routine of daughter / dad advice chats very quickly and easily as if a day hadn't passed. She never had a dad when she grew up as much as my ex-wife forced an estrangement on my children and myself, so she fitted easily into what I needed and visa versa, we were compatible with what we missed and what we could give each other. I was on a personal mission though. I was there to say goodbye. I wanted to say how proud I was of her I was, I achieved that. I wanted to give her advice on the future she now had with her new husband, somewhat achieved that. Things went wrong when she started to talk about the future. Back in the day I used to throw some good parties, She went into a monologue of how I must do one for either Christmas or new years, and how the ones in the past were absolutely memorable. It was then I started to crack. She was talking about a date that i knew I wasn't going to be around. She became insistent, in a friendly teasing way, daring me to organise one. She knew I could never resist a dare back in the day. I knew I wasn't going to be here on that date. I knew she thought she was going to see me again. In a crowded bar, I started to weep at the table. Not wailing or gnashing by teeth, just tears slowly rolling down my cheeks. Funny how people react to that sight. I was so unprepared by it that I didn't even have time to excuse myself to go to the bathroom She just started to talk very quickly about the stupidest of things and I mean really quickly to the point I think she spoke for 5 minutes without taking a breath. I made an excuse that I am on meds and I really shouldn't be drinking and said to call it a night.
Walked to the train station together. She turned and said how lovely it was to see me. She said "Well I am going to see you soon, before Christmas for sure" I could tell the question came because she sensed something, I could be wrong but never did we ever set deadlines or targets before. I didn't want to end with a lie, I said "Goodnight and take good care of yourself, I couldn't be prouder of you if I tried". Its possible I am reading too much into it, but I had a feeling she knew something was not right. Have a few more of these events and starting to wonder if I am not punishing myself a little for them to be able to say they had one last drink with me. Seriously thinking of just sticking to leaving letters, but I know for these type of people, having one last drink with them is far more better. For me, its been a bit like hitting SI which I have not encountered yet in the context of making an attempt. But it sure is hard. Rant over - continue your business, nothing to see here.
