My Good-Bye Email

[benjaminbusdriver]

Hello friends... This Covid virus is pushing me to act sooner. My mindset has shifted today and I've been in a weird state of mind facing the real reality of what I'm doing. I don't have it all planned out, but I do know it's going to be night-night carotid neck tape method. I composed this email to be sent on delay after I ctb. I'd love to hear your thoughts. Is it too much?

-----

Dear _______

I hope you can understand and forgive me for this email. I am very sorry to put you in this position but I trust you are the right person to help with this difficult task of bringing people together for me.


This is the last email anyone will receive from me. It was sent on a delay, so by the time you see this, I will be gone.

The Police can find me at _________, facing the lake view. I tried to keep things simple and I apologize to the first responders in advance for this terrible act.


I have outlined my wishes below as best I could, and I would like you to share this short message with my family and close friends as indicated:


_________


To My Dear Family and Friends,

I have been visited by The Black Dog, as they say, and sadly, there's no turning back for me. I am very sorry to do this, but the pain was no longer bearable. I lost this war with myself and now it's time to surrender and say good-bye.

The past few years have been a brutal emotional struggle and that's been building steadily since I was twelve. I wish I could explain more but facing pain just makes me feel numb and paralyzed. All I know now is that you can't just erase a lifetime of darkness by naming it.

Please do not underestimate the real misery of living with depression and mental illness. It is devastating to men, I would say, because we tend to suffer alone once we see that nobody can really fix us, even when they see us. That is my view now after trying everything I can think of and it took me a long time to get here.

To my amazing friends and family, you were always there for me when I reached out, but ultimately, I could only be alone with this. I know that doesn't help, but it's the truth. I am deeply sorry for the pain this will cause.

If any good can come of this, my hope is that you talk openly about suicide and men's mental health with those you love.

Know that I shared an unforgettable life with all of you. Also know that I am no longer suffering in that life.

Take care of each other.

Love you all…

___________

The rest is a list of key contacts and final instructions, possessions, finances, etc. I'm donating my body to the local medical school and I outlined all the details for that process.


Do you think this is ok? I'm not sure when I'll do it, but the clock is ticking and the Covid virus shit is pushing me to act soon.

Thanks for listening.

 

[FreedomInDeath]

Does your local medical school accept autopsied bodies? They may autopsy you since you would be CTB. And not all schools take autopsied bodies. Just a thought.

 

[faust]

Hello, no, that is definitely not too much so easy to read without distractions.
And I like the letter itself. No hate, no anger, just how it is.

 

[benjaminbusdriver]

Hello, no, that is definitely not too much so easy to read without distractions.
And I like the letter itself. No hate, no anger, just how it is.

Thank you. I appreciate hearing that right now. That's pretty much how I feel and writing it out really sealed it in my mind.

 

[All an illusion]

Thank you. I appreciate hearing that right now. That's pretty much how I feel and writing it out really sealed it in my mind.

What if it's all a sham m8....don't let the media trick you into anything unless you're 100% ready regardless.....just saying...don't get swayed either way by some biased pricks.

 

[benjaminbusdriver]

Does your local medical school accept autopsied bodies? They may autopsy you since you would be CTB. And not all schools take autopsied bodies. Just a thought.
[/QUOTE]

I just checked on that and yes, you are correct. I may have to change this to organ donation, instead. I Just don't want my body to go to waste when someone else could benefit.

What if it's all a sham m8....don't let the media trick you into anything unless you're 100% ready regardless.....just saying...don't get swayed either way by some biased pricks.

Even if it is all a scam, I still need to go. The virus just made it clear.

 

[All an illusion]

Does your local medical school accept autopsied bodies? They may autopsy you since you would be CTB. And not all schools take autopsied bodies. Just a thought.

I just checked on that and yes, you are correct. I may have to change this to organ donation, instead. I Just don't want my body to go to waste when someone else could benefit.

Even if it is all a scam, I still need to go. The virus just made it clear.
[/QUOTE]
It's never too late to reconsider bro...either way i hope peace and love on your journey.

 

[Hopeindeath!]

Your letter to your family and friends brought tears to my eyes. I'm so sorry it has come to this for you.

 

[HadEnough1974]

Hello friends... This Covid virus is pushing me to act sooner. My mindset has shifted today and I've been in a weird state of mind facing the real reality of what I'm doing. I don't have it all planned out, but I do know it's going to be night-night carotid neck tape method. I composed this email to be sent on delay after I ctb. I'd love to hear your thoughts. Is it too much?

-----

Dear _______

I hope you can understand and forgive me for this email. I am very sorry to put you in this position but I trust you are the right person to help with this difficult task of bringing people together for me.


This is the last email anyone will receive from me. It was sent on a delay, so by the time you see this, I will be gone.

The Police can find me at _________, facing the lake view. I tried to keep things simple and I apologize to the first responders in advance for this terrible act.


I have outlined my wishes below as best I could, and I would like you to share this short message with my family and close friends as indicated:


_________


To My Dear Family and Friends,

I have been visited by The Black Dog, as they say, and sadly, there's no turning back for me. I am very sorry to do this, but the pain was no longer bearable. I lost this war with myself and now it's time to surrender and say good-bye.

The past few years have been a brutal emotional struggle and that's been building steadily since I was twelve. I wish I could explain more but facing pain just makes me feel numb and paralyzed. All I know now is that you can't just erase a lifetime of darkness by naming it.

Please do not underestimate the real misery of living with depression and mental illness. It is devastating to men, I would say, because we tend to suffer alone once we see that nobody can really fix us, even when they see us. That is my view now after trying everything I can think of and it took me a long time to get here.

To my amazing friends and family, you were always there for me when I reached out, but ultimately, I could only be alone with this. I know that doesn't help, but it's the truth. I am deeply sorry for the pain this will cause.

If any good can come of this, my hope is that you talk openly about suicide and men's mental health with those you love.

Know that I shared an unforgettable life with all of you. Also know that I am no longer suffering in that life.

Take care of each other.

Love you all…

___________

The rest is a list of key contacts and final instructions, possessions, finances, etc. I'm donating my body to the local medical school and I outlined all the details for that process.


Do you think this is ok? I'm not sure when I'll do it, but the clock is ticking and the Covid virus shit is pushing me to act soon.

Thanks for listening.

Unless you are in a high risk category, the virus should not affect you.

 

[aukguy]

@HadEnough1974 i know I'm unlikely to catch it either: but the possibility of considerable social upheaval makes bringing plans forward a good idea for me.

 

[Otter]

You will not be able to donate organs. Your organs will be useless once dead. You would need to be on life support in order to donate organs.

 

[LivedAndNotLoved]

I'm so sorry it has come to this for you. Your letter is so raw and genuine. It is fine just the way it is.

 

[benjaminbusdriver]

So I've decided to put everything on pause. Yeah... I know. This is the furthest I've ever gone, but that's as far as I will go now.

The last couple of days have been hell, and I've tried to do a logistics rehearsal, testing delayed emails, testing methods, gear, sorting financial shit out, etc... and nothing is going right. Everything is taking longer, night-night test not working, it's impossible to do outside where i wanted to, and on and on.

Nonstop texts and calls from people wondering what's up, Covid madness. So I went to sleep to avoid it all. I'm procrastinating on ending my life! Fakkin hell.

There is a weird silver lining to all this, though. Having written that letter, I started thinking about all those people. I won't get into details, but the time is just not right. My brain made a weird switch when I woke up thinking of them. My cat was staring at me, waiting for dinner.

Someone was banging on my front door, and I pretended I wasn't home, as i've been doing all week. And most important of all, Youtube was still playing from 6 hrs before, and this is what I heard in an interview:

"We must look at what we're going through as though we've already gone through it."

I had a lightbulb moment. Take from this what you will.

Why are we such complicated fakkin creatures? I wish I could just be simple, ignorant and satisfied.

Thanks for listening. Your avatar made me smile today.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

So I've decided to put everything on pause. Yeah... I know. This is the furthest I've ever gone, but that's as far as I will go now.

The last couple of days have been hell, and I've tried to do a logistics rehearsal, testing delayed emails, testing methods, gear, sorting financial shit out, etc... and nothing is going right. Everything is taking longer, night-night test not working, it's impossible to do outside where i wanted to, and on and on.

Nonstop texts and calls from people wondering what's up, Covid madness. So I went to sleep to avoid it all. I'm procrastinating on ending my life! Fakkin hell.

There is a weird silver lining to all this, though. Having written that letter, I started thinking about all those people. I won't get into details, but the time is just not right. My brain made a weird switch when I woke up thinking of them.

As I've said before, this is why I find it so valuable to face the idea of suicide when it comes up, to engage with it and explore it. If it is repressed, it becomes bigger, and blocks what needs to emerge. I have learned so much from the struggle of writing a letter, exploring methods, and planning. For some folks, it reveals what they want or need to live for, or why they need to wait.

 

[k75]

You will not be able to donate organs. Your organs will be useless once dead. You would need to be on life support in order to donate organs.

I was going to say this as well. Sucks, but true.