My goal today - get drunk as f

[worldexploder]

I had 2 Climatos and half a Natty Daddy. Finally starting to get a good buzz. I want to get so drunk that I don't wanna feel anything anymore! I'll be singing to my shoes before this day is over with! I decided after today to go 8 days without drinking so I can focus on my manifesto and my Dr. appointment coming up on nov 1st.

My aunts going to D.C. tomorrow on a business trip. She said she's going to get everything started there instead of on our home computer Dignitas wise. Then come back home and probably go to the library. Also she was wondering how I should go about asking my psychiatrist for medical records. Any advice on that?

 

[worldexploder]

I will not leave without getting that manifesto done! I care too damn much about all y'all to keep ya hanging. I want future generations to have the right to die. Not just me. If it works or not at least I know I tried,

I really have a good feeling that things will work out with Dignitas for some reason. If it doesn't I'll CTB another way.

 

[worldexploder]

I just don't know what to say. My aunt loves me enough to let me go. A mother figure to me. To me, that is the purest kind of love you can give to someone. I know I'm probably more emotionally open now that I'm drinking but the feelings are the same. I absolutely love that woman! She has knew me since I was a newborn, rescued me from my abusive biomom when I was 13, and tried her best to make everything better. After years of telling her that my will to die is "not a phase", she finally gets it.

After I got divorced my aunt said that I matured very much and she now sees me as a "real man". Not sure what that means since I been more depressed than ever. I guess maybe she recognizes that I had a lot of real life experience since I was in my mid 20s. She always goes to me with her problems which doesn't bother me. I love helping people including her. Everyone keeps telling me "you know just what to say to make everything better". And "you have a natural talent for helping people".

My ex wife, who has an IQ of 140 says I'm the most intelligent person she ever came across. I disagree. My IQ is not nearly that high. My aunt says the same thing. They tell me how creative, funny/witty I am. I just don't see it. My IQ is 126. I sort of always questioned IQ scores anyway. You really can't put a number on something as powerful as the brain...especially since it's the least understood organ in the body.

I'm just me and that's all I'll ever be. I know I am a chatterbox when I'm drinking but that's ok. It's still me! Just in a much more relaxed form. Feels good to let everything out when I'm not so sober and neurotic.

I think I sound dumb sometimes when I type. But I do have severe dyslexia. Which makes it harder to organize sentences and causes poor grammar.

 

[worldexploder]

When it comes to death, I have been preparing to die all my life. From the first time I learned about my own mortality till the end of my nervous breakdown, my biggest fear was dying a horrible death. When I was religious I prayed for it. For 12 years I looked for ways out. Death is not a shock to me anymore. I only attempted twice but searched for along time. Even marriage didn't stop my desire.