TheLastGreySky
Arcanist
- Nov 24, 2023
- 457
So for those that know, I'm trying and (have been constantly failing) to get my children out of foster care due to my ex losing them while I was incarcerated.
Today my girlfriend told me I'm the greatest thing to ever happen to her and I sincerely think she means it. And well I'm a wreck because she's constantly being the best damn person I have ever met. I don't deserve to be alive. And Everytime I think I can forgive myself my Cptsd acts up and I start having combat flashbacks and I'm back to fighting the urges to ctb.
My girlfriend is telling me how we're going to get my kids back and how we're going to be a family and I really want to believe it, but I also don't think she realizes just how disgustingly cruel this world can be.
My court got moved up from mid May to next week (9th or 10th of April) and it has me spiraling. I am ashamed to think that I might be failing my kids and breaking this amazing woman's heart because I have been running on empty for so damn long. If anyone does believe in God, I hate to ask something so selfishly but please pray for my kids to come home to me. Their mom has disowned them and I'm the only option to keep them from being orphans. And I want them to know that I did NOT abandon them, but so far the case workers have refused to let me have therapeutic visits with them so far and we were supposed to have the termination hearing until they ruled that it would be violating my rights to jump into it without this hearing that they're having now first.
The only reason I am alive today is because they need me, and I need them.
I am nothing without them.
I miss their smiles and I miss their voices.
And when my girlfriend tells me she loves me and that she wants my babies, instead of being overjoyed I sink. She could never understand that I want to put my entire being in a meat grinder and slowly wind the handle.
And I'm worried that I might be the worst thing to ever happen to her if I ctb.
I'm honestly unable to to sleep cause of this rn.
Today my girlfriend told me I'm the greatest thing to ever happen to her and I sincerely think she means it. And well I'm a wreck because she's constantly being the best damn person I have ever met. I don't deserve to be alive. And Everytime I think I can forgive myself my Cptsd acts up and I start having combat flashbacks and I'm back to fighting the urges to ctb.
My girlfriend is telling me how we're going to get my kids back and how we're going to be a family and I really want to believe it, but I also don't think she realizes just how disgustingly cruel this world can be.
My court got moved up from mid May to next week (9th or 10th of April) and it has me spiraling. I am ashamed to think that I might be failing my kids and breaking this amazing woman's heart because I have been running on empty for so damn long. If anyone does believe in God, I hate to ask something so selfishly but please pray for my kids to come home to me. Their mom has disowned them and I'm the only option to keep them from being orphans. And I want them to know that I did NOT abandon them, but so far the case workers have refused to let me have therapeutic visits with them so far and we were supposed to have the termination hearing until they ruled that it would be violating my rights to jump into it without this hearing that they're having now first.
The only reason I am alive today is because they need me, and I need them.
I am nothing without them.
I miss their smiles and I miss their voices.
And when my girlfriend tells me she loves me and that she wants my babies, instead of being overjoyed I sink. She could never understand that I want to put my entire being in a meat grinder and slowly wind the handle.
And I'm worried that I might be the worst thing to ever happen to her if I ctb.
I'm honestly unable to to sleep cause of this rn.
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