Help My girlfriend is sucking the life out of me

[Menschenmühle]

She has an extreme case of self-contempt. She never accepts any compliment I give her as she believes that I'm lying or that I just want to make her feel better. But I wish I ever made her feel better, she's incredibly gloomy, she has a defeatist attiude towards life, yet she's so arrogant as to believe that her hatred for herself and for the world is somehow based on objective standards, on some sort of "biological reality" or whatever other bullshit she espouses to justify her own insecurities and hopelessness.

People believe what they want to believe, I don't condemn them for being this way, but what I hate is when they take their perspective, tainted by the various feelings that they have, and project it into the world, start taking it as some general rule, as a fact of life when it is so far from being so. This thought process inevitably makes them immune to help, as now they have all the pathetic justifications they need to keep on hating themselves, to keep somehow punishing the world because it's "evil" and "vain".

I try to help her in the best of my ability, but I'm growing impatient, she sometimes insults me for even doing this. She says that I suck at consoling others, that she doesn't want consolations to begin with. I love her but she's keeping me down, too much pessimism and gloominess wears people down, this is quite obvious. However I don't wish to let go of her, I want to remain tenacious to my love. Besides, she helped me before in life, and it would seem ungrateful on my part if I were to abandon her because of her shortcomings. But how the fuck am I supposed to help her?

 

[Life_and_Death]

depends exactly on the cause/situation. sometimes all you can do/the best thing you can do, is just wait by their side and prove them wrong. sometimes the problem is that people lie or can even innocently change their minds. you can promise youll be there forever, but until 'forever' gets here, they have no way of knowing.

i could be wrong but i dont think shes projecting it onto the world, i think shes projecting it back at herself, like holding a mirror in front of her instead of being in your shoes. shes stuck inside her mind behind pain and fear. "no you must hate me, this is what i was taught in whatever way, it must be true." it takes a lot of time and repetition and patience to undo that. my bf took years to get through to me.. only recently, after looking back at everything...i didnt have to question if he was going to leave anymore...he stayed and slowly proved me wrong.

maybe a compromise? "ok you dont believe me, and thats fine. its completely acceptable and understandable for you to have your own beliefs, but i can have my own opinion as well, and my opinion is that *youre an amazing person*" (or whatever you want to fill it in with, its just a suggestion/template). a human being (and everything for that matter) is like art, one person might not understand it, but it might inspire another person. maybe she doesnt "understand herself" but she "inspires you"

thats how i working on getting over things with my bf. ok, i can accept your opinion but i can still have mine.

 

[cryone]

if she lives w/ such an ideology, i dont understand why'd she even date some1. i mean, it js seems rly selfish. sometimes it's impossible to help people who remain firm to their misguided beliefs. if you want to stay for love that's respectable, but don't stay b/c you'd feel guilty or ungrateful for leaving. still, i understand why you'd want to help. this might seem counterproductive, but it might be valuable to discuss the impacts of her pessimism on you. this can encourage understanding, bounds, n communication.

 

[*Hope*]

Judging by the title of the thread, you seem to be having the time of your life

 

[helicoptero]

I understand you feel "in debt" since she helped you, but did you ever disrespect her? You said she insulted you and said mean things to you.

I don't know, it sounds toxic to me and I think she could drag you down with her if things keep going this way.

 

[Ambivalent1]

 

[Linda]

Perhaps you should find a different girl. If a relationship isn't working, the best option is usually to cut your losses and get out.

 

[Life_and_Death]

i love how pain is automatically toxicity maybe people wouldn't be "toxic" if they weren't hurt in the first place and then continued to be put down. Thats a good way to ensure the "toxicity" continues

 

[Sulyya]

If you do love and trust each other I wonder if you can speak to her in ways that place the two of you as a team. So instead of her vs the world in her mind, it's 'us vs the world'.

Possibly couples therapy but idk, the wrong person could just make it more adversarial.

But of course I'm forever single so half a grain of salt at best..

 

[evannave]

If you've tried everything you can, and this is physically and mentally draining you to sustain the relationship. Leave her.

 

[Life Is My Coffin]

Perhaps you should find a different girl. If a relationship isn't working, the best option is usually to cut your losses and get out.

Lol it doesn't work like that as a man. I know women can just go onto instagram and find someone new in an instant but men would need months if not a year or two to "find a different girl", cuz the options are usually zero (none whatsoever). It makes sense to me why he's so resistant in breaking up. He doesn't want to be left alone. It sucks being a man, it's very very lonely.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I know women can just go onto instagram and find someone new in an instant but men would need months if not a year or two to "find a different girl"

Yeah, no. Where did you even get this from? Most woman can't just go on to instagram and find someone new in an instant. It can take some women months and even years to find another man. Along with that, there are men who are able to find a new woman in an instant. There are cases of men who end up with a new chick not even a week after breaking up with their girlfriends.

 

[eden101]

why the internet always advices people to break up. just talk to her. and confess how you feel in every way. don't blame her and just tell her to go to therapy. i had a friend like this. she was like this due to bullying. it's annoying but love is love. you don't always love perfect people. everyone has flaws. and so do you and i too. with my friend i just left it be. as long as i didn't say any compliments she didn't say anything cruel about herself back and it was fine that way.

Lol it doesn't work like that as a man. I know women can just go onto instagram and find someone new in an instant but men would need months if not a year or two to "find a different girl", cuz the options are usually zero (none whatsoever). It makes sense to me why he's so resistant in breaking up. He doesn't want to be left alone. It sucks being a man, it's very very lonely.

silly lie

 

[ForgottenAgain]

There are several ways you can go about this, depending on how you're feeling towards the relationship and your history together.

If you've communicated honestly with her, tried different ways of talking to other, like other members suggested, tried to help her, tried to just be there for her, and nothing seems to work and she is just bringing you down - then I'd say it could be better to consider breaking up.

I understand she helped you in the past and you feel in debt but you're not in debt because you have tried to help her. You've done your part, it just didn't work and that's okay. We can't help everyone and we certainly can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.

Even when you're leaving towards breaking up, if you really want to give one last shot, you can tell her you're thinking about breaking up because X and Y and Z would be the thing that could change that course of action. Some people change when faced with losing their person, it's one last chance to try and make the relationship work. Just be careful to define a cut off point.

One important thing to keep in mind is that your happiness should come before hers. You should be your number 1 priority, always. Don't let someone ruin your well being just because you love them. Having this kind of self love isn't just important for you, it's important for any healthy relationship.

I've had 3 relationships in my life, all long term (3+ years) and I'm currently in one and I can tell you that this is the most important thing you need to always keep in mind. Be strong, put yourself first, you are not someone else's saviour nor should you be. Having these boundaries is important and it's what will help you have a healthy long term relationship.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Maybe don't compliment her. Or put it in a way to say- I know you don't believe me or feel this way yourself but- I think you look nice or did that thing well or whatever. But, if something seems to trigger someone, it's maybe best not to say it. Maybe then she'll realise that it is actually nice to have someone compliment you from time to time. I can understand though that it must be exhausting.

 

[Life Is My Coffin]

Yeah, no. Where did you even get this from? Most woman can't just go on to instagram and find someone new in an instant. It can take some women months and even years to find another man. Along with that, there are men who are able to find a new woman in an instant. There are cases of men who end up with a new chick not even a week after breaking up with their girlfriends.

This sounds like a delusional fantasyland written by novelist. Lmao

Where did I get this from? Living in real life.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Sounds like a delusional fantasyland written by novelist.

Just because the world doesn't bend to your preconceived notions of it doesn't make it delusional.

 

[Serial Experi Pain]

She has an extreme case of self-contempt. She never accepts any compliment I give her as she believes that I'm lying or that I just want to make her feel better. But I wish I ever made her feel better, she's incredibly gloomy, she has a defeatist attiude towards life, yet she's so arrogant as to believe that her hatred for herself and for the world is somehow based on objective standards, on some sort of "biological reality" or whatever other bullshit she espouses to justify her own insecurities and hopelessness.

People believe what they want to believe, I don't condemn them for being this way, but what I hate is when they take their perspective, tainted by the various feelings that they have, and project it into the world, start taking it as some general rule, as a fact of life when it is so far from being so. This thought process inevitably makes them immune to help, as now they have all the pathetic justifications they need to keep on hating themselves, to keep somehow punishing the world because it's "evil" and "vain".

I try to help her in the best of my ability, but I'm growing impatient, she sometimes insults me for even doing this. She says that I suck at consoling others, that she doesn't want consolations to begin with. I love her but she's keeping me down, too much pessimism and gloominess wears people down, this is quite obvious. However I don't wish to let go of her, I want to remain tenacious to my love. Besides, she helped me before in life, and it would seem ungrateful on my part if I were to abandon her because of her shortcomings. But how the fuck am I supposed to help her?

How long have you guys been together? Live together? Ages? How did her family treat her? How was her upbringing? Schooling/friendships? What's her diagnosis? Any eating disorders/body dysmorphia? Any past abusive relationships?

With at least some of that information for starters I could possibly offer some insight.

 

[MoonBat]

It's a little hard to do and sometimes it may not seem worth it, but in my experience as someone who can be in the same shoes your girlfriend is probably in, compliments and acts of verbal affection often play into our own insecurities. Others have brought up it's a sense of ideology and self-deprecation, it stems from insecurity (at least, in my own experience). The things lovers have done to make me feel loved and better about myself are never usually compliments or consolement, but actions of love and knowing that someone is present. Getting out of the bog of my own head is impossible for myself, so I can't expect a lover to talk me or compliment me through it, but acts of love and kindness like making dinner for one another, grocery shopping together, listening to music, and even just a hug can mean more than words. I believe that love languages stem from insecurities and preferences as to how to traverse around them. Your girlfriend's insecurities might make it hard to accept verbal acts of love, but if you want to console and love her, you might just have to try other means.

Regardless, I hope things go well for both of you. Love is a very powerful but strange thing, stay strong. ♡