žorstka
New Member
- Sep 26, 2019
- 3
Long and whiney rant, so sorry if anyone minds to read this.
I know my problems seem mild, but oh god has this been bothering me.
I have a few close friends that I obviously do not deserve. I talk about my suicidal thoughts with them and they support and understand me more than an average normie would. Now this will sound absolutely terrible, since I love them so much..... But I just feel like they are so clueless. Obviously, they are pro-life when it comes to suicide,like most people are. When I tell them about my severe depression, rage, intense sadness and how I am tired of living, they look at me like I am crazy. I am in so much mental pain all the time and no one seems to care or understand. At this point, I can't even comprehend how anyone can survive here unless they have absolutely no feelings. Everyone just seems so emotionless. It seems like I am the only one having an appropriate reaction to this terrifying life. How do people do it? I do have empathy, when people show their emotions I completely feel their pain and it's a beautiful thing to me. It makes them seem human. Now when everyone around me doesn't react too much to anything at all, it makes me believe I am the only one who experiences emotions. But how do you describe emotions? That's like trying to describe colors to someone who has never seen them.
My mood swings are quite severe, so I blurt out random, disturbing thoughts at times. I am a very unpleasant person to be around. I wish I could always hide my emotions, but I physically can't shut up sometimes. I also block everyone and plan on disappearing when I am overwhelmed. That comes across as attention-seeking and idiotic, but that's the only way I can cope with my feelings. I just feel like a burden to everyone, that's a huge part of why I want to go. I don't want to be constantly babied by everyone around me or told ''well, you know you are not the only one who has problems'' (this one makes me furious) and ''that sucks''.
The amount of times I have told everyone, that I was suicidal really diminished the problem in their eyes. Now no one understands the severity of it. At this point I am desperate enough, that I can not even trust myself to go outside, or I will jump of a bridge (you can't be impulsive like that, I really don't want to stay alive and have life-long trauma) . But I see that my friends think I am just being edgy in a ''haha killing myself'' type of way, which I CAN'T STAND. They DON'T FUCKING UNDERSTAND that suicide is not easy at all, finding a method that would be reliable and wouldn't be an inconvenience to everyone is a difficult task. There are many people who have attempted suicide 4+ times and are still alive.
The stereotype of ''truly'' suicidal people not telling anyone about their thoughts is seriously harmful. Life is not suffering olympics. If you look back, the signs are always there. Just because I may have horrible breakdowns, that seem attention-seeking it doesn't mean that I am any less suicidal.
I know my problems seem mild, but oh god has this been bothering me.
I have a few close friends that I obviously do not deserve. I talk about my suicidal thoughts with them and they support and understand me more than an average normie would. Now this will sound absolutely terrible, since I love them so much..... But I just feel like they are so clueless. Obviously, they are pro-life when it comes to suicide,like most people are. When I tell them about my severe depression, rage, intense sadness and how I am tired of living, they look at me like I am crazy. I am in so much mental pain all the time and no one seems to care or understand. At this point, I can't even comprehend how anyone can survive here unless they have absolutely no feelings. Everyone just seems so emotionless. It seems like I am the only one having an appropriate reaction to this terrifying life. How do people do it? I do have empathy, when people show their emotions I completely feel their pain and it's a beautiful thing to me. It makes them seem human. Now when everyone around me doesn't react too much to anything at all, it makes me believe I am the only one who experiences emotions. But how do you describe emotions? That's like trying to describe colors to someone who has never seen them.
My mood swings are quite severe, so I blurt out random, disturbing thoughts at times. I am a very unpleasant person to be around. I wish I could always hide my emotions, but I physically can't shut up sometimes. I also block everyone and plan on disappearing when I am overwhelmed. That comes across as attention-seeking and idiotic, but that's the only way I can cope with my feelings. I just feel like a burden to everyone, that's a huge part of why I want to go. I don't want to be constantly babied by everyone around me or told ''well, you know you are not the only one who has problems'' (this one makes me furious) and ''that sucks''.
The amount of times I have told everyone, that I was suicidal really diminished the problem in their eyes. Now no one understands the severity of it. At this point I am desperate enough, that I can not even trust myself to go outside, or I will jump of a bridge (you can't be impulsive like that, I really don't want to stay alive and have life-long trauma) . But I see that my friends think I am just being edgy in a ''haha killing myself'' type of way, which I CAN'T STAND. They DON'T FUCKING UNDERSTAND that suicide is not easy at all, finding a method that would be reliable and wouldn't be an inconvenience to everyone is a difficult task. There are many people who have attempted suicide 4+ times and are still alive.
The stereotype of ''truly'' suicidal people not telling anyone about their thoughts is seriously harmful. Life is not suffering olympics. If you look back, the signs are always there. Just because I may have horrible breakdowns, that seem attention-seeking it doesn't mean that I am any less suicidal.
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