Venting My friend tried to ctb then asked me to save them. (story vent)

[TearStainedSunsets]

VENTING!!!
TW;
-suicide/suicidal ideations
-attempted suicide of a loved one
-medical jargon (I was once told this can be triggering for some)
-in-depth descriptions of traumatic events
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So, I've been trying to "improve" myself and get good at something useful. I chose medical stuff. I guess that was a good choice because the first thing I started studying was rescue medicine and emt stuff. As soon as I pass my cpr classes, finish studying rescue medications like albuterol and Epinephrine for asthma and allergies then diving into overdose treatments like narcan/naloxone and such, my friend attempts to ctb.
Amazing...

Right after they attempt their method (overdose on everything they have) they call me.
"Dude, i fucked up. I need help but dont take me to the hospital please.."

Okay, I get it, ive been there. Fuck going to the ward, I get it. Now I'm grabbing my med bag and running to their dorm.
Time skips and suddenly we're outside in the cold and he's dying in my arms and nothing in my med bag can help him because I dont have charcoal. I'm trying to convince him to let me take him to the ER, he's not giving in.

He finally goes out. Eyes rolled back and his skin goes pale. I remember just going silent and dragging him on the ground to get him flat on his back so I can start chest compressions like as if that would do anything in this situation. I didnt end up needing to do cpr though thank the stars...

He is only alive today because my gf ordered charcoal and it got there before his heart stopped beating. I was able to wake him up and have him take the charcoal after he threw up a few times and he's fine now...but dude....wtf.

I stayed up all night monitoring him. He was loopy but..alive.

Once he went to sleep I sat next to him on my bed and watched him for a while, my fingers still digging into his wrist and monitoring his heart rate. I only noticed it when my fingertips began to hurt from my short nails digging into the small amount of skin above them from the pressure.
It was then that I realized that this situation was gonna traumatize me all over again.

Right when I was recovering. I've accepted it now. That was about a month or so ago and I've finally gotten myself to look at my computer again.

I remember staying up all night for 3 days following this. I've been kind of afraid of coming on here to talk about this because of some obvious reasons. One of them, the biggest one, being that I, someone who wants to ctb and has tried and is here to ofc talk about those experiences and be in this space with the same intentions as the rest of you, has stopped someone from doing exactly that.

I have never been one for wanting to stop people from ctb-ing. I mean...obviously, I'm HERE of all places. But as someone with medical knowledge and compassion for those around me, if you want to ctb, go for it, I wish you the best and I hope it works out, but if you ask me, outright, to SAVE YOU, I will do everything in my power to save you and keep you comfortable.

Now, normal people might tell me I'm evil for NOT forcing him to go to the hospital, but he explicitly asked me NOT to do that and my med bag is (now after these events) a tiny ER that I keep on my hip at all times anyway. At the time I had the med bag and thought I was prepared for anything but evidently I wasn't.

My point is, I have wanted to tell someone...anyone about this experience just to get it off my chest. I just didnt know where else to put this (besides my journal ofc).

I'm not asking for advice...I know I should just keep coping and try to be more involved with my friends and all that, which I am doing. I just don't vent to the friends I have that weren't involved in this situation first hand because they just arent the kind of friends for that.

Idfk what I'm rambling about anymore but yeah...thats the story.

My friend is "fine" now. He is alive and hasnt attempted since and expressed to me that he was grateful that I saved his life and whatever. We're still friends and everything on his side of things is "fine".

I simply just can't get this event out of my head. I still have trouble sleeping, worrying that one of my friends might attempt then beg me to save them again. Worrying that if I sleep, I'd lose one of them and have their last words to me be a text message that I didnt recieve on time saying "dude I fucked up, help" and I didn't help them.

I cant eat, I keep vomiting every time I think about his eyes rolling back into his skull. I cant go to work or focus on my studies, I can't be alone without spiraling but I can't be with people without spacing out and just getting images of his face, feeling his weak pulse on my fingertips or being so caught in the memory that I can once again feel the snow under my knees freezing my skin.

But, I feel a little better getting it all out and typed out now so...thats a win ig.

Thanks for reading this far. I hope your day is going well and I hope youre okay.
Stay positive, the sun will always rise in the morning. <3

 

[sanctionedusage]

i mean, you respected all of his wishes. that goes against nothing on this site, which definitely isnt even pro suicide.

ill never understand involving people in your crises, especially with impossible demands. random people, and especially your actual friends? lol

risk (and succeed) in traumatizing your friend > dealing with a ward hold as a result of your own actions

 

[TearStainedSunsets]

i mean, you respected all of his wishes. that goes against nothing on this site, which definitely isnt even pro suicide.

ill never understand involving people in your crises, especially with impossible demands. random people, and especially your actual friends? lol

risk (and succeed) in traumatizing your friend > dealing with a ward hold as a result of your own actions

I dont understand it either to a certain extent. I get why he called me. I told him if he ever attempted that he should call me to say goodbye. Him and I agreed that whichever of us ctbs first, we would call the other and have a smoke together first. Only issue is, he attempted THEN called me so our plans were all thrown off.

But if youre calling just to involve them without any prior talk about it...why? just why?

I think I'm just struggling with him suddenly regretting it then putting his life in my hands. That was the only part that screwed with me so much yk.

i mean, you respected all of his wishes. that goes against nothing on this site, which definitely isnt even pro suicide.

ill never understand involving people in your crises, especially with impossible demands. random people, and especially your actual friends? lol

risk (and succeed) in traumatizing your friend > dealing with a ward hold as a result of your own actions

And also, I know sasu isnt pro-suicide, I just felt weird ig because usually when people on here post their goodbye threads, you typically dont try to save them and I've just never dealt with conflicting thoughts like that.

 

[sanctionedusage]

I dont understand it either to a certain extent. I get why he called me. I told him if he ever attempted that he should call me to say goodbye. Him and I agreed that whichever of us ctbs first, we would call the other and have a smoke together first. Only issue is, he attempted THEN called me so our plans were all thrown off.

But if youre calling just to involve them without any prior talk about it...why? just why?

I think I'm just struggling with him suddenly regretting it then putting his life in my hands. That was the only part that screwed with me so much yk.

give an inch and they take a mile :/

i wouldve punted his ass to the hospital tbh. he obviously regretted doing it and wanted to live, but wants someone to pull the cure out of their ass so everything can still go easily for him? beyond stupid idk