Arot
I see only darkness before me
- Feb 4, 2020
- 37
This is my first thread and I want to apology because English is not my native language so, please take that into consideration when you are reading this.
Hello guys! I'm feeling like $h1t today (more than ever before). I'm so desperate right now…
Why? Well to put it simply…
1.- Somehow, I ruined my chances with someone. Yes, this sounds awful, but you may think: "well it happens from time to time". And while you are technically correct, the thing is that I ruin every single relationship I've ever had. The previous relationship before the last one was ruined because I tried to breakup with her because I knew she didn't truly love me. She was my girlfriend but only because I was feeling lonely and sad, so she tried to make me happier by doing that. That day I tried to make the right choice and break up with her because she was feeling bad about our fake relationship. But I couldn't control my emotions and in the last minute I got scared and said I wanted to have sex with her. I know, that's stupid and I regret saying that but breaking up gave me so much stress that the only thing I wanted at that moment was to feel pleasure instead of the pain I felt at that time.
2. Three years ago I met another girl. At that time was interesting in going out with me but I was so devasted and feeling like thrash because of my last relationship. Somehow, we connected a little because she was also planning to CTB. I really didn't want to fall in love again because I knew that will ruin it again. And that's exactly what I did. A month ago, I wanted to confess to this girl, but she was kind of not interesting in chatting up with me because of college and work. BUT she did go on a date with another guy. I just wanted to confess her my feeling and move on (because I know she doesn't like me that way)… but that's when it all went to hell. I went to her house without invitation. She didn't even tell me where she lived, and I swear I wasn't planning in doing anything malicious to her I just wanted to talk to her face to face. Of course, she blocked my number, my social media profile, etc. This is why I was trying really hard not to fall in love again.
3. Even though I have a bachelor's degree in industrial engineering, I struggle in finding a suitable job. I've spent almost 2 years of my life applying to different places but the furthest I've gotten was interviews. Also, there's this pressure for me because I have an older brother who is very successful in life. He didn't struggle like me when he was around my age (25), got a girlfriend during college which he married, got a job while still in college, etc. Which is quite ironic because we have the same parents and almost the same education, yet I'm the only one who is doing nothing with his life but to cry, have mental breakdowns and existencial crisis from time to time.
And the only person to blame for my miserable life is myself. I hate myself because of that… a couple of hours ago I was crying and tried to clean up my face to wash away those tears. I was feeling so sad until I saw my face in the mirror then suddenly, I felt intense rage and said "you idiot, you deserve to suffer even more"
Hello guys! I'm feeling like $h1t today (more than ever before). I'm so desperate right now…
Why? Well to put it simply…
1.- Somehow, I ruined my chances with someone. Yes, this sounds awful, but you may think: "well it happens from time to time". And while you are technically correct, the thing is that I ruin every single relationship I've ever had. The previous relationship before the last one was ruined because I tried to breakup with her because I knew she didn't truly love me. She was my girlfriend but only because I was feeling lonely and sad, so she tried to make me happier by doing that. That day I tried to make the right choice and break up with her because she was feeling bad about our fake relationship. But I couldn't control my emotions and in the last minute I got scared and said I wanted to have sex with her. I know, that's stupid and I regret saying that but breaking up gave me so much stress that the only thing I wanted at that moment was to feel pleasure instead of the pain I felt at that time.
2. Three years ago I met another girl. At that time was interesting in going out with me but I was so devasted and feeling like thrash because of my last relationship. Somehow, we connected a little because she was also planning to CTB. I really didn't want to fall in love again because I knew that will ruin it again. And that's exactly what I did. A month ago, I wanted to confess to this girl, but she was kind of not interesting in chatting up with me because of college and work. BUT she did go on a date with another guy. I just wanted to confess her my feeling and move on (because I know she doesn't like me that way)… but that's when it all went to hell. I went to her house without invitation. She didn't even tell me where she lived, and I swear I wasn't planning in doing anything malicious to her I just wanted to talk to her face to face. Of course, she blocked my number, my social media profile, etc. This is why I was trying really hard not to fall in love again.
3. Even though I have a bachelor's degree in industrial engineering, I struggle in finding a suitable job. I've spent almost 2 years of my life applying to different places but the furthest I've gotten was interviews. Also, there's this pressure for me because I have an older brother who is very successful in life. He didn't struggle like me when he was around my age (25), got a girlfriend during college which he married, got a job while still in college, etc. Which is quite ironic because we have the same parents and almost the same education, yet I'm the only one who is doing nothing with his life but to cry, have mental breakdowns and existencial crisis from time to time.
And the only person to blame for my miserable life is myself. I hate myself because of that… a couple of hours ago I was crying and tried to clean up my face to wash away those tears. I was feeling so sad until I saw my face in the mirror then suddenly, I felt intense rage and said "you idiot, you deserve to suffer even more"
