My first post

[Azizw126]

Hi everyone,
This my brief story
I came from a country which being homosexual is punished by death or imprisonment
I decided to come to Canada as LGBTQ refugee loaded with hopes that I'm going to have a normal life.
My depression and anxiety have become much severe and the pain is not bearable anymore.
Especially when you carry all the load alone.
I couldn't work to support myself because of my mental illness I'm really anxious about what is going to happen in the near future.
Last spring i bought a tent, bag of charcoal, grill and went outside of Toronto deep in the woods. everything was going according to the plan. After three or four minutes i got really scared, nauseated and overwhelmed weakness, i managed to crawl outside the tent and felt relatively normal in about 10-20 minutes, somehow i was admitted to psych ward which was the worst experience in my life
This spring i got accepted into the university, but i just couldn't take the academic pressure and my ability for learning was very poor, so i dropped out last week and now I'm doing nothing at home, feeling dreaded and extreme anger.
I really don't wanna die but my brain is urging me to kill myself and this is the only way out. If i just get rid of my depression and anxiety i will be able to support myself and go on, there is no antidepressant that i didn't try, i hate my psychiatrist, I've been taking medications since 2003 nothing worked.
I'm lost and scared my new friends just don't know what to do.
Ideas?

 

[*KNAZ*]

Welcome. And thanks for sharing your story.

 

[Azizw126]

Thanks Kanaz for the kind words

 

[WhiteDespair]

Look into mindset and cognitive behavioral therapy. They can help change your thinking.

See about eating better, taking a multivitamin, and exercise.

Stop taking drugs if you are. Stop drinking caffeine.

Look into getting a therapist. Or, someone else you can trust.

What is your brain saying to you when it's telling you to CtB?

 

[Azizw126]

Look into mindset and cognitive behavioral therapy. They can help change your thinking.

See about eating better, taking a multivitamin, and exercise.

Stop taking drugs if you are. Stop drinking caffeine.

Look into getting a therapist. Or, someone else you can trust.

What is your brain saying to you when it's telling you to CtB?

It's telling me that you will be always worthless, you are not capable to achieve anything in this life, nothing will change, you are fooling yourself with false hopes. Most of the time i believe it's true. I have hope to get a degree, work and meet someone to be in relationship with but I'm paralyzed my depression is holding me back to do anything. Is that normal?

 

[WhiteDespair]

It's telling me that you will be always worthless, you are not capable to achieve anything in this life, nothing will change, you are fooling yourself with false hopes. Most of the time i believe it's true. I have hope to get a degree, work and meet someone to be in relationship with but I'm paralyzed my depression is holding me back to do anything. Is that normal?

No. Those thoughts are atypical. People do experience them and they do so more u frequently. However, it is normal for depression.

Mindset work can help. The idea is to change your thinking. When you start knowing and believing the opposite (that you can acheive, that you have value, etc.) is when things can change.

See a psychologist and psychitrist. Talk therapy allows you to examine and process things. Psychopharmacology can take the edge off. If you don't want to try a therapist you can try someone else you can trust.

Are you Muslim? Are you religious? Are these resources you can use?

Get accomplishments. Even a small completion can lead to others. When you have successes under your belt you have a better idea of your skills and abilities.

Take a look at your life. See if there are things which would be good to cut out, that are causing you stress. It took 1 month after I blocked my aunt to start feeling much better than before.

Since you're a refugee, do you have community?

I have those same thoughts as you. They are crippling. You can challenge them and provide evidence against them.

 

[Crushed_Innocence]

Welcome. Glad you are here. Im sorry to hear of your extreme suffering. I too had a failed Carbon Monoxide attempt and a horrific stay at a phych ward. I think those places are horrible on purpose to keep us from trying suicide again. Why don't you check out the "Recovery" Board here, where people who want to give life and try and aren't ready to die yet are sharing thier information However, of course you can post here too. Sounds liek at least you got out of the country where you could die by being who you are I'm glad for that. There are resources avaliable for people who WANT to live, even if its just a little...... No matter what YOu decide for your life, because it is wonderfully yours and yours alone to decide what you will do--------- we wil be here for you..

Just keep coming here and posting and get to know people. Its a wonderful community. Sometimes you just need a non judgemental outlet. That for were is SS.

There is NOT A PILL FOR EVERYTHING. the world of phychiatry is still very new. Drugs dont work for many people--- because sometime and I'm not saying this is you or not, but we need more or something else. If it is love, acceptance, empathy , connection, bonding, touch, family, worth, value---- the things that meets our basic needs as a human, dont come in a pill. Some will say that maybe a pill will put you in a better position to get those things-- maybe , maybe not.

It sounds like your just tired and afriad and need some undersstanding. Welcome to the fold Aziz..... For me this is the only family I have left before I die......

But I will be here for you until I take my last breath.... I hope you can find relief in the days to come until you figure out how you want to proceed in your situation. Its not yours fault. We dont choose our genetics, enviroment or corcumstances. You are doing the best you can and my goodness you managed to escape a place that would have taken your life aganst your will........ because this world is fucked up and sick and maybe, just maybe you aren;t as bad as society and your brain is telling you. Shit we all all trying to survive in this shithole..... kudos to you for coming this far.

huggzzzz

 

[Azizw126]

Whitedespair, crushed_innocence, I'm lost for words to express my sincere gratitude.
I posted in the wrong section forgive my ignorance and weak English . It really fells great being among people like you. I can speak freely without being judged.
Crushed_innocence : from bottom of my heart I wish you peace and happiness, be strong and i know you can make it by the way you wish. Peace be upon you all

 

[Tortured_empath]

W. Salaam my friend

 

[DarkDane]

Hi everyone,
This my brief story
I came from a country which being homosexual is punished by death or imprisonment
I decided to come to Canada as LGBTQ refugee loaded with hopes that I'm going to have a normal life.
My depression and anxiety have become much severe and the pain is not bearable anymore.
Especially when you carry all the load alone.
I couldn't work to support myself because of my mental illness I'm really anxious about what is going to happen in the near future.
Last spring i bought a tent, bag of charcoal, grill and went outside of Toronto deep in the woods. everything was going according to the plan. After three or four minutes i got really scared, nauseated and overwhelmed weakness, i managed to crawl outside the tent and felt relatively normal in about 10-20 minutes, somehow i was admitted to psych ward which was the worst experience in my life
This spring i got accepted into the university, but i just couldn't take the academic pressure and my ability for learning was very poor, so i dropped out last week and now I'm doing nothing at home, feeling dreaded and extreme anger.
I really don't wanna die but my brain is urging me to kill myself and this is the only way out. If i just get rid of my depression and anxiety i will be able to support myself and go on, there is no antidepressant that i didn't try, i hate my psychiatrist, I've been taking medications since 2003 nothing worked.
I'm lost and scared my new friends just don't know what to do.
Ideas?

Caffeine and sugar makes anxiety far worse, because of constant insulin and adrenalin spiks, it helped me with cutting that out, eating healthy in general does a lot takes some time to see an effect, but just doing something good for yor body, knowing its healthy for you also changes the mindset quite a bit. Dont make major changes but small at the time, you can see so much change in a year. If my body wasent messed up ill be on that track, I was for 4 years, best 4 years of my life.

 

[puppy9]

 

[Azizw126]

W. Salaam my friend

Salaam my brother

Caffeine and sugar makes anxiety far worse, because of constant insulin and adrenalin spiks, it helped me with cutting that out, eating healthy in general does a lot takes some time to see an effect, but just doing something good for yor body, knowing its healthy for you also changes the mindset quite a bit. Dont make major changes but small at the time, you can see so much change in a year. If my body wasent messed up ill be on that track, I was for 4 years, best 4 years of my life.

I'm massively addicted to caffeine, when i wake up i don't talk nor do anything before i have my cup of coffee, it's hard to cut off but i will try my best

 

[WhiteDespair]

@Azizw126 you are welcome.