sadworm
sad worm on the ground
- Dec 17, 2023
- 2
hi everyone, I've been on this website for quite some time now but I basically just lurk and don't interact with anything. I am a 20 year old unemployed cis girl from Canada who has struggled with suicidal ideation since the concept of dying became known to me. I had a rough childhood, and was diagnosed with MDD and social anxiety disorder when I was 11. I begun therapy at that point in my life as well, alongside trying out a plethora of different medications to no avail. in regards to therapy I went through group therapy for multiple years, did standard CBT and a lot of DBT, tried emdr, and have done rTMS treatment twice. medication wise.. not even worth listing all of that. my mental health got in the way of my schooling, although throughout elementary and junior high school I excelled in terms of grades, just not work habits. i had all the classic symptoms of ADHD in girls, but it went unnoticed due to people simply not knowing better at that point in time, I guess. once I reached highschool though, the work habits I had failed to develop finally caught up to me because I chose to go to a school with a "self directed learning" approach. i accomplished absolutely nothing and my crippling ADHD was finally noticed at the age of 16, but the damage to my education was done, and I dropped out that same year. I tried to go to a normal school instead, but my social anxiety was so intense I couldn't handle even being in the building. I ended up just letting it all go to the back burner. I would deal with it after I got my mental health under control, I thought. also that year(2020), I met the guy who I wound up dating until earlier this month, and I would say that was the main contribution to my downfall really. (I don't blame him for anything he did, because ultimately I chose to be with him and we were only teenagers, just stating this in advance.) my relationship with him was good for the first year that we were together, but for some reason I was struck with the urge to look through his phone in late 2021, and that completely flipped my life upside down. i discovered his porn addiction, but it was far worse than anything I had ever conceptualized in my hopeful naivety prior to meeting him. he was jerking off to every single one of my friends. it wasn't just every once in a while, that was his go to material. I had kept him supplied with nudes, but his go to material was my friends social media accounts. one of them was a girl that was so horrible to me and he knew everything she did. it completely destroyed my ego. I was 180 pounds back then. I felt so embarrassed, and I was so ashamed to be in love with someone who would disrespect me and so many people that I cared about. he was also paying for girls onlyfans, but really nothing else he did compared to what he was doing with my friends pictures. this is the point where any normal person would dump him and try to move on with their life, but I am diagnosed with bpd and therefore am NOT normal when it comes to my love life. instead, I took advantage of his shame and sorrow over what he had done, and got him to buy a shit ton of Xanax from this dealer I had on snapchat so we could kill ourselves together. I swear it made sense at the time lol. he swore he loved me and wanted to be with me so badly that he was willing to die for me, since that's what I wanted to do after being betrayed so deeply. I don't think he actually wanted to kill himself, but he did indeed love me and didn't want to see me kill myself over it, so he said he would join me. that didn't end up happening though, because Xanax makes you crazy, which I did not know at the time lol. at first we basically just started abusing it, but we both ended up going a little nuts and I did so many fucked up things while in a 2 month blackout that I still cannot remember. things were spiralling further and further down, and I ended up taking 20 of the pills at once (obviously not enough looking back but I was literally not all there lmfao) in front of my mom. I had had many suicide attempts in the past, but all of them had this sense of not being ready to die that would eventually make me freak out. not this time. I was completely ready to go. that was the initial plan anyways. I have bits and pieces of that experience that I remember, perhaps times where my brain sobered up enough to allow me to create small snippets of memories. i was never the same after that. even my memories from before it happened have been fucked with. my life feels like 2 parts: before the Xanax, and after. one day when it finally left my system it felt like I had died and came back someone different. people talk about experiencing ego deaths when taking psychedelics, but this was definitely the definition of that. I woke up feeling like a baby. I had to relearn so many things that I didn't know I had forgotten. sometimes still, I'll see somebody doing something a certain way and I'll remember that that was how I used to do it, I just forgot. I just felt entirely different and I still do. the switch to fight for my life had been turned off during the blackout, and I didn't turn it back on, and I still don't know how to turn it back on. I had accepted that I was going to die. I didn't want to live anymore and I made my choice, but then things didn't go my way. I haven't been able to make myself want to do anything ever since then. I have been rotting in my room since 2021. I developed an eating disorder after what my boyfriend did, because I was so sad and heartbroken over it that I lost motivation to eat. and not eating made me feel closer to death, where I wanted to be. eventually though, in 2023, I had to start eating again. I had been going days without food and when I did eat something it was just a couple bites. I had been genuinely starving myself to the point where it felt like my body was going to give up on me. I was still fat because my body was holding on to everything I had to try to keep me alive. once I did start eating, the consequences of what I had done to my body finally decided to show. i started struggling on the toilet every day. every time I would eat I would be in so much pain that for a while, i kept starving myself because eating food felt worse than having an empty stomach. but eventually I did have to put in more effort.. and with that, my body finally registered that I didn't have to store all of the fat on my body anymore. I was definitely still malnourished, I couldn't eat much because of the pain, I would throw up often because my stomach was so unused to having to digest food. I went from 180 pounds to 115 faster than I could comprehend. at the beginning of my weight loss, my doctor had congratulated me. but with time everybody grew concerned, and the fact that I still wasn't eating enough due to the agony of it had me worried about having to be hospitalized. my heart rate would jump to 160-170 when I would stand up, and I had to get that under control. i kept on eating despite the constant hospital visits because of the vomiting episodes I would have. I had to convince a few people that I was actually suffering and not just making up excuses for having an eating disorder, which required a colonoscopy, ultrasounds, x rays, a CT scan, and finally a barium swallow exam to find out that I have gastroparesis, probably as a result from the damage I did to my digestive system. I have been 135 pounds for a few months now, so my health is generally "under control", but I still spend 1-2 hours on the toilet every day (used to be up to 7) and experience pain and nausea every single time I eat. I'm still suffering daily. everything bad that has happened to me has been my fault. my life consists of sitting in bed and smoking weed to deal with my nausea, and eating food and dealing with the aftermath of it which takes up most of my day. I don't really have the energy to deal with anything else. I haven't even been dealing with my mental health because I've been so sick physically, but it's getting to a point where I have to decide if I want to try to move forward with my life, or kill myself. my mom can't take care of me forever, she is nearly 59 and has disabilities of her own. she's been a single mother my whole life and doesn't have the income to keep providing for me anymore. her insurance benefits for me will no longer be valid when I turn 21 which is in August. I feel like planning my death takes as much effort as it does to like .. do something productive. and my guilt and shame don't want to allow me to take the time to do something that won't even help anybody. if I have energy I try to help my mom, not sit in my room writing notes to people. I just don't know what I'm doing anymore. I've been sitting in my room for years and nothing will change unless I change. how am I supposed to want to do hard things? it has never made sense to me. nothing about being alive makes sense to me. why would we all choose to do things that we don't have to do and go through all these difficult things when we could just ... die. I don't have to experience any of this. life seems like a constant battle just to potentially have a little fun sometimes as a treat. I don't know why anybody chooses to do it. I've never cared enough to do anything productive with my time. that part of me is just missing. I was born with no motivation and no urge to move forward. somebody tell me if I will ever want to live. I want to want to live I really do. It would be easier for everybody in my life if I didn't sit around all miserable every day. I wish I wanted my life. I feel so ungrateful. my mother loves me and tries so hard to help me and support me. my life is so privileged. I have everything I could possibly need to live a good life, and yet all I want is to not be alive at all. I hope nobody reads all that lol I just wanted to put this somewhere. there's a bunch more lore that wasnt really necessary to the point of why I want to die and it would probably explain some things a bit further .. but meh that wasn't my focus. wouldve just been some pity inducing shit anyways methinks. if I do kill myself it'll be in May/June because I'll have the house to myself so perhaps I'll have more to say by that time. hope everybody is having a nice day
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