Discussion My Final Obstacle to Overcome (Unless Another One Reveals Itself)

[GoodPersonEffed]

I am ambivalent about writing this.

On the one hand, I'm a communicative extrovert. I work things out best by both writing and engaging in conversation. So I'm writing all this out because I need to, and if it's too much for others to read, well, it's part of the conversation, they don't have to join it. This thread's my party, not everyone has to accept the invitation. (Yes, I'm a little defensive. I'm vulnerable and scared. Vulnerability can reap great rewards, but sometimes it's also a bit of a shit magnet.) I recognize there are some walls of text here, that not everyone can engage with this. This party starts like a personal journal entry, not like something I'd have honed and edited for publication. It's quite a personal party, not to everyone's taste or liking.

On the other hand, this is stuff that's really triggering for me (which contributes to the word vomit, I can't approach this succinctly or directly, and fuck it, they're probably some of my last words anyway, so I'll do this how it's best for me). I avoid conversations on the forum about this topic and sub-topics. I also know that I am likely to be triggered by certain responses, and will have to wade through the minefields and their impacts in order to receive what I need and therefore reach what I want to achieve, which is to work this out for myself through interaction with others.

To this point in my journey, I have worked through to my satisfaction everything about why I'll choose to suicide, all the logistics, how others will be impacted, and what is and is not within my control.

It is what comes after that frightens me. I don't know what I'm walking into, and almost none of it is desirable, except for what I hope for and do not rationally believe is possible (see 4). It is my rational choice to exit the party of life, it's a party gone bad for me, and I have no control over that, I can only control whether to stay or leave. It's best to leave. But once I leave the party, to where or what am I exiting?

These are the options I believe I may face and that I am grappling with. If there are other options, I've either rejected them or, fuck, I don't want to know. This is enough:

1. Non-existence

I like who I am and am rather attached to that. Who I am cannot keep going in this party, and I cannot be anyone else, nor become something I detest in order to emotionally survive, that would be a different kind of suicide. Not existing is, so far, beyond my ability to comprehend and not fear. I think of all who have died before me, and they no longer exist, but I experience that from outside of them, as an observer. What is it like for them to no longer exist? I get that I likely did not exist before I was born, but I was born, I do exist, I have no knowledge of anything other than existing. It is not a return to a previous state, because non-existence is not a state. I cannot yet comprehend not existing from any perspective I've so far tried -- viewing it externally or internally -- so what perspective would help me to comprehend it? I know that if I no longer exist, I will not fret, I will feel neither pleasure nor fear, I will not think; there will be no living nervous system to experience or engage with anything. Are there any philosophers who have satisfactorily addressed this?

2. Rebirth

It is the least scary option. I can see how attachment to existing leads to a continuing cycle of suffering. I don't know if Buddhists and other Indian/Eastern cosmologies have it right, but rebirth is at least a concept I can contain and understand. It would be going into another party, as a new being with a new nervous system, developing from new experiences, and dealing with all the good and awful of life again, and suffering is indeed an inherent part of life. It could be a worse party I go to, it could be a better one, or the same. But even if I am comfortable with this, that does not mean it is true, only that I can accept, comprehend, and work with this possibility.

3. That I will exit one simulation only to enter another and continue to be powerlessly manipulated for someone else's purpose (or enter "reality," which, if I am in a simulation, I have no way of knowing anything about)

This is the controversial one that fucks me up, that I will find triggering if anyone addresses it, I dread having it (and me) negated, rather than intelligently and/or compassionately engaged with, I dread someone definitively insisting that it is for certain, and I dread engaging with it. If this is a simulation, I exist elsewhere, though in what form and state I do not know. I may exist in multiple simulations. I may, as this manifestation of whoever or whatever I am, stop existing (see 1) and never be aware of the rest of myself, as good as dead. I may join with another manifestation of myself and have no power, only to impotently observe and experience. I may end up in a manufactured hell or heaven (see 4, but a cruel mind fuck), continue to be unaware of what is behind it and what is the agenda. I may experience simulated rebirth(s) (see 2, but a cruel mind fuck). No matter the result, I am powerless, I have no agency, the truth is kept from me without my having any way to get to it, and it could potentially never end, just keep expanding and contracting, beginning and ending, perpetually cycling, or in some way, never end at all. Eternity is terrifying to me, I cannot conceive it. This whole concept of simulations is terrifying to me, and I consider it plausible. If you disagree it's plausible but would like to engage in the thread, perhaps engage with what you do find plausible; that would be the most helpful.

4. The realm of a benevolent higher power

Buddhism believes that there are many realms that support many conditions, such as form, formless, neither-form-nor-formless, etc. They can be hell realms, heaven realms, earth, and all sorts of other realms which are on the spectrum between desirable and conducive to advancement toward Nirvana, and utterly miserable and with limited potential to experience advancement until it's over. At the least, all conditions pass, though some may take eons. It's all a bit of a psychedelic mind fuck to me. I grasp enough of it and then have to let it go. But if there are heavens, they are supposed to be more conducive to continuing one's development if Nirvana is in fact the best and ultimate goal, if it even exists beyond a purely mental construct achieved through, say, meditation, or drugs, or a break. Kind of like the concept of eternity, I can't grasp it, however, I can grasp the concept of a path to Nirvana, and that the concept itself is a mind trip. There is a branch of Buddhism that believes if one calls on the name of the Buddha Amitbha, they will have rebirth into his Buddha field, where the dharma is taught 24/7 and everyone's happy and developing, on their way to final liberation from suffering. I like the final liberation part, and truth, and support, and being safe. It's better than here. It's probably not real, but I can't definitively know that more than anything else I'm struggling with. Or maybe, though I've seen no evidence of this, there is a higher power that is loving, compassionate, isn't abusive, gives a fuck, and will take whatever is "me" when I leave and help me heal from life, help me integrate and comprehend these fucked-up experiences of life and humanity. I can't remember which philosopher(s) said this, but basically, if one believes in god and is wrong, they lose nothing, and if they are right, they gain everything. So perhaps I'll hedge my bets on the way out, call on Amitabha, call on the god-being I would like to exist, and in my final moments, take comfort from these hopes and goals, even if they're not real.



In summary, I have the means, the reasons, and the strength to exit the party. As Seneca the Stoic advises, I am able to die virtuously, sensibly, and courageously. I am able to look back at my life and be satisfied with what I've accomplished with myself, and that I do not, as he would say, owe the universe a debt for my life but am (hopefully) in credit. What I do not yet have is the strength or ability to face whatever comes after. I can exit the party, but I don't know what the fuck is on the other side of the door, and I am scared. Yet I need to leave, it is my wisest choice, once I have what I need to face the other side of the exit. If I push myself to move forward without having worked through this final issue, I am not rationally exiting, I am fleeing, and without some kind of foundation or tools for facing what comes next, it would be like running out of a burning building and straight off of a cliff that never ends, or leads to crashing again and again, or, perhaps at best, to the non-existence I fear, if I am not lifted to a higher, truly safe place, which I think is just a nice dream but not reasonable to expect, only to hope for without clinging or too much focus since there's other shit to deal with.


Thanks for reading. Welcome to the conversation if you want to join. Please be conscientious that I am feeling vulnerable.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

1. Non-existence

I like who I am and am rather attached to that. Who I am cannot keep going in this party, and I cannot be anyone else, nor become something I detest in order to emotionally survive, that would be a different kind of suicide. Not existing is, so far, beyond my ability to comprehend and not fear. I think of all who have died before me, and they no longer exist, but I experience that from outside of them, as an observer. What is it like for them to no longer exist? I get that I likely did not exist before I was born, but I was born, I do exist, I have no knowledge of anything other than existing. It is not a return to a previous state, because non-existence is not a state. I cannot yet comprehend not existing from any perspective I've so far tried -- viewing it externally or internally -- so what perspective would help me to comprehend it? I know that if I no longer exist, I will not fret, I will feel neither pleasure nor fear, I will not think; there will be no living nervous system to experience or engage with anything. Are there any philosophers who have satisfactorily addressed this?

Yes Alan Watts explains it perfectly in this video below and it blew my mind when I first heard it but you probably have to listen to it many times because it is indeed hard to comprehend none existence.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Yes Alan Watts explains it perfectly in this video below and it blew my mind when I first heard it but you probably have to listen to it many times because it is indeed hard to comprehend none existence.

Thanks for sharing.

What did you take away from it that served you?

 

[TheGoodGuy]

Thanks for sharing.

What did you take away from it that served you?

I don´t believe in religion so I believed in none existence among other things like simulation theories which I posted a bit about just a moment ago you can check it out in the second link I also made a thread that correlates with that video about how anesthesia is the closest thing to feel what it would be like to be dead.

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/death-most-likely-will-feel-like-anesthesia.23932/

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/afterlife-theories-nde.39417/#post-729112

 

[irreversibledamage]

It's a bit weird to see you vulnerable, since you always appear strong-willed and alert. The fear you're facing is probably one of the things that differentiate us, humans, from the other animals, we are aware that we will die and we have the cognitive skills to think about what will happen to us. This is part of the human condition and it plays a big role on our lives.

I like how you are brave to admit that you fear the nonexistance. Many people try to hide it and say things like "I won't be here to experience what death is like" when, in fact, we are here to experience what it is to think about what death is like, we are here to see others dying and we will be there to experience the process of dying. I find it really difficult acknowledge the nonexistance (no denial, to really acknowledge it) and to be in peace with that fact (ctb while not impulsive). That's why I plan to die in my sleep, so that I won't have to face that issue.

By the way, It's sad to see your bus approaching in the horizon, you're one of the few people who cares for the forum, for the well being of the users and if there's some agenda behind this place. I will miss you .

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

It's a bit weird to see you vulnerable, since you always appear strong-willed and alert. The fear you're facing is probably one of the things that differentiate us, humans, from the other animals, we are aware that we will die and we have the cognitive skills to think about what will happen to us. This is part of the human condition and it plays a big role on our lives.

I like how you are brave to admit that you fear the nonexistance. Many people try to hide it and say things like "I won't be here to experience what death is like" when, in fact, we are here to experience what it is to think about what death is like, we are here to see others dying and we will be there to experience the process of dying. I find it really difficult acknowledge the nonexistance (no denial, to really acknowledge it) and to be in peace with that fact (ctb while not impulsive). That's why I plan to die in my sleep, so that I won't have to face that issue.

By the way, It's sad to see your bus approaching in the horizon, you're one of the few people who cares for the forum, for the well being of the users and if there's some agenda behind this place. I will miss you .

Thank you so much for sharing your personal engagement with, and insights about, what I'm pondering, as well as about me. This reaffirms to me why vulnerability reaps rewards, and to ask for what one wants, as by taking responsibility for pursuing it, and having the balls to do it, one might receive it -- and even feel blessed.

Two small words for what I deeply feel and cannot adequately express: thank you. And more: I am honored, and I honor you.

 

[BigLucs]

I was afraid of non existence as an idea until I really understood it. It's nothing. You won't have any regrets, or any memories in general. You simply wont be anymore. Now I find it a lot more comforting. Fear not the dark my friend.

I agree with rebirth sounding safe but I never really found it comforting. I'm just going to be thrust back into life. Perhaps at a better place or perhaps at a worse. I don't know and I never will. I think I've had my share of life and am ready for a rest.

I've considered the simulation theory but have basically found it meaningless. Technically its more likely that this is a simulation because there's only one world waiting for simulations to be invented and an infinite amount of simulations to run after it has been. Yet that still means nothing. If I'm shooting a basketball there is an entire universe of places to miss and only one to make it. That doesn't mean I'll never make the shot. There's so many unknowns we can't even begin to theorize on it, so why bother. If it is true it will likely feel like rebirth with the CPU recycling our data and wiping our memory. If we've reached a level like that I see no barrier that stops us from literally being gods at that point. "Any science that is significantly advanced is indistinguishable from magic." is how the old saying goes I believe.

Finding god is the scariest option because it is like simulation theory but real life. There's nothing we actually know about god. Even if you only believe in the big bang, what created that ball of infinite mass? Maybe its benevolent, maybe not. There's no way of knowing so again its almost meaningless to think about. My guess is they would be benevolent as you're not going to have unlimited power and just make things you hate.

Finally, some of my thoughts.
I find nothingness to be the most comforting route. I've tired of consciousness. This still isn't ideal though. I'd love to become an aspect of God. Maybe god and the universe are the same thing. I've often found myself feeling like part of a cell. With this in mind I have come up with 2 theories. The theory of science and the theory of spirituality. Either could be true. In science, there is no deeper meaning. The universe expanded because of science. Personalities are all based on science. Basically we just live in a scientifically perfect universe without any mystical loopholes. Anything can be explained by logical means. After death there is nothing, or perhaps a conciousness cannot disappear and you simply become part of the universe. Flying about, discovering the secrets of the universe is my dream afterlife. A true freedom. Next spirituality. Every religion has a bit of it right, or they're all wrong. Who knows? My personal canon is that god is a good fella with a hands off approach to leadership. It created us to watch what would happen (See sim?). Sure bad things happen, but it doesn't really care. That's life, so to speak. It's not its problem. Maybe it gives us a pep talk after death before nothingness. Perhaps it grants us a paradise. Perhaps it sends us to wherever we were before we were born.

Fruit for thought.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Thanks for sharing your perspective and insights, @BigLucs.

To me, the egg theory is so close to rebirth and simulation theories, I just scramble it and toss it in with the others like they're Japanese steakhouse fried rice. Only if the egg is organic though, because otherwise I'm allergic to eggs, and these dishes are already wreaking havoc on my existential digestion.

 

[Iwantoutrightnow]

I get that I likely did not exist before I was born, but I was born, I do exist, I have no knowledge of anything other than existing. It is not a return to a previous state, because non-existence is not a state. I cannot yet comprehend not existing from any perspective I've so far tried

I think a lot of people find some comfort in the notion that we didn't worry about not existing before we were born so why worry about not existing when we die. I agree with you in that there was a time when I didn't exist but then that egg and that sperm collided and now I exist, my non-existence post death is not a state I am returning to, it will be a post-existence non=existence , a different non-existence.

We can only ever know death from the perspective of life, as that which is not life. If death is knowable then it is knowable only once we are dead and it's too late then to turn back.

I'm concerned that I am already dead. I attempted 5 years ago and was in a coma for 2 weeks. But what if I did actually ctb and this is death? Maybe my failure to ctb with partial have been because I'm already and this is my very own version of hell. People say that ctb is the easy way out but I'm finding it hard, is that because I'm already dead?

Sorry, not sure that I've really contributed anything. You aren't alone in your fear

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I'm concerned that I am already dead. I attempted 5 years ago and was in a coma for 2 weeks. But what if I did actually ctb and this is death? Maybe my failure to ctb with partial have been because I'm already and this is my very own version of hell. People say that ctb is the easy way out but I'm finding it hard, is that because I'm already dead?

I have concerns similar to this and can relate. Thank you for sharing, and I commiserate with you in the agonizing mind-fuckness of it.

With regard to the rest, I particularly liked the differentiation you made between pre-birth non-existence and post-death non-existence.

 

[Soul]

I had a lot of fun last week imagining that I cease to exist, and everything else continues, but since it all registers that I'm not there anymore, I *am* a presence. Being gone isn't the same as never having existed, as @Iwantoutrightnow said.

I don't know why I had such fun with that last week, but it made me laugh out loud, which is why I feel it's worth mentioning to you, @GoodPersonEffed.

I'm a staunch agnostic, firmly convinced that I don't and can't know what I'll experience when I die, but I enjoy speculating about it. I admire your visions very much, @GoodPersonEffed.

 

[Pryras]

I always appreciate your contributions to this forum and love reading your posts. Thank you for being vulnerable with us and sharing this, I can relate for sure.

When I was a child, I was TERRIFIED of the concept of nonexistence. Looking back, I was way too young to be worrying about that sort of thing but if I had one wish that would be immortality (lol ironic isn't it?) I could never comprehend why someone would want to end their life and much less embrace their end. Then life crashed my blissful parade and I finally "got it"

I've never really considered the possibilities that you've mentioned, besides pure nonexistence and recarnation. My dream scenario would be the latter. Doesn't sound as terrifying and incomprehensible as nonexistence.

The closest thing I've experienced to the feeling of nonexistence is being put under. But then you wake up and regain consciousness. What happens when you never do? It's freakin terrifying to me to think about that but what gives me some solace is that it's inevitable either way. I'm less anxious knowing that there's nothing I can do to avoid this fate and that takes away some of the burden of fear.

Living to old age terrifies me. Not having the choice of how and when I die just amplifies that fear. I'll leave the party before someone shuts it down for me, and I empathize with your feelings about it. Vent as much as you needa, I'm ready to listen and hear you.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

@Soul, thank you for sharing!

I so love laughter. I had a chuckle at myself right after I posted the OP. Have you ever seen the movie Eagle vs. Shark? Even if you haven't, it's the moment when the super nerdy and myopic yet narcissistic character gives up the struggle to resolve a romantic dilemma. He can't even look at her. He says, "I'm too complex!" and walks away in a dramatic, angsty huff.

All my suffering. All my intellectualizing. All my angst. I'M TOO COMPLEX.

* Huff, turn, storm away........trip. *

 

[Iwantoutrightnow]

I had an operation when I was young. Before I went down the dr came to see how I was feeling and asked if I had any concerns. I said I was afraid of waking up during the operation and being able to feel everything but not being able to speak or move. He said I was strange because most people were afraid that they would never wake up. This thought hadn't even crossed my mind.

The thing about being unconscious is what death will be like is that we can only know that feeling because we've woken from it. It was a temporary state. If death is like that we won't know it in the way that we know about being unconscious. We remember the time before we went out and the moment we woke. The time in between is lost and indescribable because we can only describe what we have consciousness of. We cannot describe nothingness as we only know it from a place of somethingness and we can only imagine it but that still requires conscious activity. If it is nothingness that awaits it is unfathomable

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

@Iwantoutrightnow, you had me at every word. Deep. Now I have to work with the concept of death not being in between. It actually makes what I'm dealing with less heavy because it brought some clarity. Thank you.



@Pryras,

I'm less anxious knowing that there's nothing I can do to avoid this fate and that takes away some of the burden of fear.

I've been comforted lately when I think, we all die. I'm noticing it helps me feel more connected to others, as if I'm part of something. As I write this I realize, in all of my spiritual pursuits, I never felt connected like that. I wouldn't call it oneness, but rather myself, yet belonging and equal. Thank you.

 

[Soul]

The laughter was about how much easier it is than what I'm doing now.

Everything registers that I'm missing because everything registers that I'm here, right? Like a tiny bubble on a river that's part of the river at the same time as it exists as a distinct (not separate!) entity. It's not easy to maintain that duality - all my individuality amid wholeness, my suffering amid the flow, my angst amid just keep rolling along ... It's *so* much easier to relax the surface tension and become the hot dog that the Hindu had in mind when s/he placed the order: Make me one with everything.

 

[Epsilon0]

Eternity is terrifying to me, I cannot conceive it.

I have had a few moments in my life when, finding myself in that particular mood conducive to metaphysical contemplation, I "felt" the dread of eternity. It was a very intense feeling - a kind of paralyzing horror.

What I do not yet have is the strength or ability to face whatever comes after.

I think "ability" is right... When I try to even allow a thought about what comes after to form inside my brain, it's like every cell in my body screams at me. I simply cannot do it.

 

[StuckAF]

Now I feel more scared and trapped...

 

[KiraLittleOwl]

Strangely, concept of non existence never scared me despite having a strong ego.
I only regret not having experiences I wanted to have.
I truly hope that death is the ultimate end.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I had more messages come up that tried to weaken my resolve and try to convince me that, with a different perspective, it would be the better choice to write my parents a letter.

The first, which I heard listening to a Brenee Brown talk on shame, is that sociopaths don't understand that the things we do have impacts on others. I started considering that my death would have an impact on my parents, and I could try to alleviate some of that by giving them guidance about how to manage my body and my estate. Once again, I went into a mode of problem-solving for them.

The second was that, in spite of their abuse, I could approach them from a higher level than they did with me, because I have compassion for what made them do the things they did and do. Once again, I was taking responsibility for them, protecting them against pain and trying to figure out how to ease their burdens that are natural consequences of my death.

Then I had some realizations.

The first is that, regardless of the means of my death, they would still have to deal with these burdens, the only thing for which I have any responsibility is that I am ending my life by my own choice and my own hand.

The second is that, aside from being next of kin, the majority of their problems are consequences of their own actions. They abused me, and always put all of the responsibility on me: to comfort my mother for having caused her to abuse me; to protect them from outside interference, threatening me if I ever told pastors or police; to shut up about it or I would face "consequences" of being shut out and shunned, kicked out, abandoned, disowned.

In fact, they did shun and disown me for not ceding to their false authority and the false narratives. Yet they didn't even own that! These supposedly moral, upstanding people, so full of integrity, lied to our extended family and to their friends. They claimed that we still had a relationship, yet when I tried to reconcile it, and when I asked for the help a daughter merits, they denied me. At the bottom of this is a false sense of shame, as if I've caused them to act that way, because they were so right and so maligned. Buried beneath that is the truth: if one is in the right and feels their actions are justified, they do not need to hide behind lies and create false fronts.

Earlier this week, I referred another member here to this passage from the book Boundaries:

Spoiler

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/resources-for-learning-boundaries.30500/post-604190

Tonight, as I was processing all I wrote above, I recalled this passage. The biggest challenges they will face are direct consequences of their actions. They need this problem -- not the management of the practical things after my death, but the problem of how to deal with the lies and the false foundation they're built on (they were good parents, I was wrong, etc.). I did not cause the problem, and I cannot control the subsequent outcomes for them.

More importantly, I have spent enough of my life caring for the mess in their yard, and the details after my death are a final false responsibility for me to shed. It will not make things better for them if I try to make things easier. The only hope for them to be able to improve is if their problems are squarely in their laps for them to deal with, if they have to make the effort to deal with the messes in their own yard that they created. I have empathy and compassion for them, but not responsibility for the cleaning and upkeep of their yard. They need to have these problems if there is any hope that they can be resolved, and they likely won't resolve them, but I certainly can't do it for them. It is a waste of my resources to try to neaten any mess for them, because they will misuse the resources for purposes other than I intend.

I imagined how they would respond if I died by outside means versus by my own hand, and the results are nearly identical. I imagined what they would do whether I gave them instructions or not, and either way, they will do what they believe serves them, which is, to serve the false narratives they have created to protect themselves. Their consistent actions over nearly 50 years have proven they will stay the course they are committed to.

They will fight with each other over whether to claim my body, have an obituary, and have a service. They will decide what lies help them to best save face either way, for every decision. My father will hate my mother for that as a result of his own ineptitude, and will withdraw. They will turn on each other over things they've spent decades trying to bury, and my mother will blame my father for not having been around enough and for not beating me, too, making her the bad guy. He will not know how to own his enabling as he sees glimpses of what he tried to deny. He will not know how communicate, and he will stuff and stuff, and subsequently blow up. He has health issues that, as far as I last heard, were well managed. He may die. If they both live, they may split up as the foundations fall apart, as the buried truths finally push up enough that they can no longer deny all of it. The foundations tried to bury the truth, but truth is, arguably, the only remotely reliable foundation, and even then it can fail. But I don't think there is anything stronger.

It's going to be a hot mess, and I don't feel bad about that. I'm actually somewhat amused at how shit is going to blow up. I don't have to own a bit of it, or make it better. They will resent me for putting them in this position. I will once again be so very wrong. Oh, are they going to hate me, each in their own way. And hate each other. And hate me again. I give no more fucks about the dramas they will experience. No more pity. I hate this saying, but truly, it is what it is. And it's about time that what is had it's time out in the open.

I'm not one to point at others and say, "It's your own damn fault." I know people make mistakes and bad decisions, and suffer for them. It is human. I have empathy and compassion for that. Nor do I condemn or deny the reality that consequences happen. Such is life.

But I am a little amused. And the consequences will finally catch up with them, without me ever having to have tried to force them. I never punished my parents, though I could have really fucked things up for them, and it would have been justified.

I don't feel pity for them for the consequences they face as a natural result of their choices and actions, which is a huge step, because in the past, pity has nudged me to lower my boundaries at my own expense in the service of enabling others, and pity was behind the messages I was struggling with to once again consider writing to them. I am now even freer from co-dependence and enabling motivations and behaviors. That's a huge victory. I am free from even more messages of guilt and shame. I am not worthy of being condemned! That victory is huge, too. I feel lighter, and I deserve that. I always did.

 

[KibblesNBits]

Strangely, concept of non existence never scared me despite having a strong ego.
I only regret not having experiences I wanted to have.
I truly hope that death is the ultimate end.

Oof, I feel this. I think life can have value, under the right circumstances. Hell, it could be wonderful even. In my case, my destroyed health and body have turned my own life into something not worth living. So the alternative is to trudge along torturing myself over regrets and what could have been for decades until I die naturally? Unconsciousness sounds far more appealing. The permanent kind. Unless there's a wonderful afterlife or parallel reality awaiting us, which I doubt.