My final days and it all feels so surreal

[Terrible_Life_99]

Hey everyone, I wanted to ask you all what your thoughts are about my situation. I am going to hang myself fully soon. These are my final days and I just can't accept it. I can't accept the fact that circumstances from outside damaged me so much, especially my family (who doesn't even care, only my mother does) , so that I never had a real chance to have a fulfilling life. With all the handicaps I was "gifted" thanks to my "great" childhood I really wonder how I managed it to stay here 25 years long. I mean, I had absolutely nothing but just suffering. I never had any real friendships or a relationship, while others at my age were free and enjoying their life I was suffering from my mental illnesses. I am sad about it that today I could have had a fulfilled life if things were different. I'm angry that so many great things will always be a mystery for me. I ask myself why the hell were I born , just to suffer? Suicide is my only option to end this terrible life. I'm very sad and angry about it. My life should have never happened. I read a lot about people who kill themself and they have their reasons but most of them had a kind of functioning life. They had their job and their partner. In my case I'll never even come close to see how a normal life feels like. I was born then I was damaged for this world by stupid actions by my family and then I suffered and suffered and now it'll end. What an absurd, empty shit life. Its unbelievable. I should be happy that I'll die soon but instead I feel so fooled by life.
Can someone maybe tell me if they also felt similar when they very near their suicide day? Or can someone maybe just tell me to finally just do it and end this suffering?:)

 

[Hollowman]

No one's going to tell you to do it.

 

[foreverdepressed]

I can relate to you a lot. My life is also objectively miserable. I cant understand how some people on this forum have well functioning lives and feel suicidal. Although I guess I'll never know as I dont have one.

 

[jazzcat621]

Im sorry to hear all that happened to you, no one deserves the life you lived. I wish we as a society had better ways to support those who suffered so many years to the point they never really lived or even have a chance to live. No one can tell you to make the decision to CTB, but I will tell you that I hope you find relief with whatever you choose.

 

[Alreadylate]

Hey everyone, I wanted to ask you all what your thoughts are about my situation. I am going to hang myself fully soon. These are my final days and I just can't accept it. I can't accept the fact that circumstances from outside damaged me so much, especially my family (who doesn't even care, only my mother does) , so that I never had a real chance to have a fulfilling life. With all the handicaps I was "gifted" thanks to my "great" childhood I really wonder how I managed it to stay here 25 years long. I mean, I had absolutely nothing but just suffering. I never had any real friendships or a relationship, while others at my age were free and enjoying their life I was suffering from my mental illnesses. I am sad about it that today I could have had a fulfilled life if things were different. I'm angry that so many great things will always be a mystery for me. I ask myself why the hell were I born , just to suffer? Suicide is my only option to end this terrible life. I'm very sad and angry about it. My life should have never happened. I read a lot about people who kill themself and they have their reasons but most of them had a kind of functioning life. They had their job and their partner. In my case I'll never even come close to see how a normal life feels like. I was born then I was damaged for this world by stupid actions by my family and then I suffered and suffered and now it'll end. What an absurd, empty shit life. Its unbelievable. I should be happy that I'll die soon but instead I feel so fooled by life.
Can someone maybe tell me if they also felt similar when they very near their suicide day? Or can someone maybe just tell me to finally just do it and end this suffering?:)

Yes I experienced this and also anxiety, I'm more calm now because that's what I choose and try to have... It doesn't really matter, everybody have a shitty life deep down, few people is happy. Yes I know how frustrating is that feeling, when you know that everything is fault of someone else... The system where we all are living in is truly putrid, I like to think that if I am succesful at ctb I will have the best ending possible and more luck than most people I know...

 

[Terrible_Life_99]

No one's going to tell you to do it.

I can relate to you a lot. My life is also objectively miserable. I cant understand how some people on this forum have well functioning lives and feel suicidal. Although I guess I'll never know as I dont have one.

Its just so terrible how our world and society is. Some people have a lot and they get more and more while others have a miserable life although we're all humans. Some had luck and some had not. I was born without any illness but my grandparents and aunts raised me in a absolutely fatal way which made me so weak that I had 0 basic skills for life. that is tragic ans even though I had all these deficits I fought . I was trapped in this illusion that when I fight time will make all the handicaps the mental illnesses etc dissolve but then I realized that I always end up loosing in everything it doesn't matter how much I try. That was the moment when I realized I am a person who is way too damaged to stay here and have a fulfilled life so I have to end this empty absurd life that will always be filled with suffering. Every day feels like hell to me.

No one's going to tell you to do it.

Why not? Is it not allowed to say that in sasu? Because if it is then I think everyone should say it. My life is a life that has to end. It's impossible to live such a life for the next 50+ years

 

[Hollowman]

It's against the rules and a crime in some countries. My life's impossible too, only we can decide when to end it.

 

[darksouls]

however you decide
I wish you the best
hope you find the peace you desire

 

[Terrible_Life_99]

however you decide
I wish you the best
hope you find the peace you desire

First of all thank you! I think for me suicide is not peace. It'd be peace if I knew that there is justice when I die. That there is a higher force that saw everything all the suffering I went through from my perspective. A higher force that will be fair and will understand that I never done anything evil but that I was a prisoner of suffering and therefore killed myself and then that higher force would give me the possibility to see and enjoy all these mysteries I mentioned the good aspects of life. Unfortunately no one can prove that their is something like this and therefore I think my suicide is just the sad and tragic final point of a life that should have never happened. An empty life without anything beautiful. I'll just leave this world without any great moments on which I could look back with a smile in my final moments. I tried it all to fit in but it was always impossible. The damages were like a huge shadow and it always made life miserable fir me in every chapter from Kindergarten until today.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you've had to suffer so much, it's just so cruel and dreadful to me how there's all this suffering in existing, it really sounds like you've suffered so much, I wish you the best.

 

[Terrible_Life_99]

I'm sorry you've had to suffer so much, it's just so cruel and dreadful to me how there's all this suffering in existing, it really sounds like you've suffered so much, I wish you the best.

Thank you, its good to read these sentences because I don't hear it from my family who see me, who see how I'm dying slowly right in front of them.