Venting my fear of being alone is ruining my life

[acdef0]

i have a really bad fear of being alone. even being alone in my bedroom is enough to make me spiral into having a breakdown and it happens every single night.

i have (a few) friends, mostly online ones, and a family who i know i can always turn to if im feeling upset. however my fear never goes away.

i think im afraid of physically being alone rather than socially being alone if that makes sense. i go to college and talk to literally no one there but i like going because it distracts me from this fear of being alone.

i know someday ill have to move out and the thought of it petrifies me to no end. i dont want to be alone. i could suggest to my friends that we move in together but im not close enough with any of them to initiate that sort of thing.

my parents have said to me many times that they dont really care if i dont move out, that im welcome to stay with them for as long as i need to. and while that may sound nice and all i cant help but feel uncomfortable around my family and i feel like they dont want me here even though they havent outwardly said or done anything to prove it.

i think what scares me the most about it is that im left with my thoughts and my thoughts always convince me that im an awful person undeserving of kindess. im also afraid of the vunrability of being alone. i can always assume im alone but who knows that for a fact? im always thinking that someone is out there to get me, that someone is stalking me and watching my every move but ill never know that for a fact no matter how many times i check my house for that person whos looking for me.

this fear of mine has genuinely made me question my own life and its one of the many reasons why i wanna ctb. i know i need help, but i dont even know where to start to get it because everythings just on one big long endless waiting list thatll take years to get to me and ill probably be senile by then. i think maybe im just irrational, unreasonable, and just plain stupid. i sound so silly for having this dumb fear but ive had it my whole life and havent had an outlet for it until now. sorry about all this

 

[Mirrory Me]

Maybe you are afraid that people are gonna abandon you. As long as you wish to be with your loved ones, it won't happen- or whatever happens, you are not alone.

 

[Waterfall500]

i have a really bad fear of being alone. even being alone in my bedroom is enough to make me spiral into having a breakdown and it happens every single night.

i have (a few) friends, mostly online ones, and a family who i know i can always turn to if im feeling upset. however my fear never goes away.

i think im afraid of physically being alone rather than socially being alone if that makes sense. i go to college and talk to literally no one there but i like going because it distracts me from this fear of being alone.

i know someday ill have to move out and the thought of it petrifies me to no end. i dont want to be alone. i could suggest to my friends that we move in together but im not close enough with any of them to initiate that sort of thing.

my parents have said to me many times that they dont really care if i dont move out, that im welcome to stay with them for as long as i need to. and while that may sound nice and all i cant help but feel uncomfortable around my family and i feel like they dont want me here even though they havent outwardly said or done anything to prove it.

i think what scares me the most about it is that im left with my thoughts and my thoughts always convince me that im an awful person undeserving of kindess. im also afraid of the vunrability of being alone. i can always assume im alone but who knows that for a fact? im always thinking that someone is out there to get me, that someone is stalking me and watching my every move but ill never know that for a fact no matter how many times i check my house for that person whos looking for me.

this fear of mine has genuinely made me question my own life and its one of the many reasons why i wanna ctb. i know i need help, but i dont even know where to start to get it because everythings just on one big long endless waiting list thatll take years to get to me and ill probably be senile by then. i think maybe im just irrational, unreasonable, and just plain stupid. i sound so silly for having this dumb fear but ive had it my whole life and havent had an outlet for it until now. sorry about all this

You probably wont see this but I kinda relate to a lot of what you said. I just started college and even though im surrounded by 100s of people I dont actually talk to any of them. My family have always said they want me to move out when i get to college but Im terrified ill be left alone in some apartment with nobody to talk to. I dno thanks for your post anyway, hope you feel better about loneliness soon