Venting My father

[Michelstaedter]

The only reason I'm holding back from searching so hard for my CTB is because of him. In some ways, he's a sensitive person. He suffered from hardship as a child, had good parents, and suffered the loss of both as he grew up, which meant he had to live alone for a long time and work practically his entire life. He's not a bad person, although he's not perfect. I can imagine what would happen if I committed CTB.
For some time now, I've formed such a strong bond with the pets I've had that losing them has been very hard. Remembering when they were alive and then seeing their lifeless bodies, without warmth, is very sad. Currently, I have one left, who's already reached the average lifespan, but she's sick; she doesn't have much time left. I've cried, I've suffered, and I'm afraid of her passing, as it's a feeling of helplessness, pain, sadness, bitterness, and many emotions. They've been like my children, and losing them, even in a "natural" way, is hard. I don't want to imagine what it must have been like for my father.
I'm aware that this is a personal decision and not a teenage slight. Nor is it because I feel life hasn't given me what I wanted. It's more because life is painful. I don't see any essential meaning beyond living the moments. Therefore, it has become something overwhelming and agonizing. In society, politicians and businessmen, the "elite," aren't interested in people, much less the sick (in body or mind). Therefore, my idea is more about rejecting life in the face of the slavery they have instilled in us. We are their livestock, and they are the "true humans," or those who move the world, the valuable ones. I don't accept this, and for me, the act of rebelling is to leave this world, where pain and satisfaction no longer exist, because this world has its essence, and it's disgusting.

 

[Persik]

In fact, by leaving this world, you only make things worse for yourself. Time will erase everything in a person's consciousness, including the fact of your death. If you really want to fight "slavery" and the system, then you can do it only as a living person, because only then can you do, say or touch anything. By your example, show this world or those around you a new system that you would like to see in this world, I am sure you will find many like-minded people. But when you die, you will be dead. And you will not be able to fix this world in any way.
I am very sorry that your pets died, although I myself had many, and they were all loved by me. I understand you, but you should not have become too attached. You gave them what they needed: warmth, care, a good and happy life - this is very valuable. However, life is such that animals live less than people, and you need to learn to let them go. I am not talking about suppressing emotions in your soul, but about not letting these emotions weigh you down, and keeping them under control of your mind, not letting them go beyond the limits. You are a wonderful owner and person, you have done everything you could for them, and I am sure that they are grateful to you with all their little hearts.
You can always die, right? Why don't you look for the meaning of this life yourself now? Maybe it is right here, right now, right before your eyes? Or it may take months to find it, but what a reward. If life is painful, why not, for example, become someone (animal or human), for whom you can reduce this pain or even remove it altogether? Life has no meaning for you... but, ironically, you are the meaning of life for your pet and father right now - that's the least. Just think about it. I believe in you and wish you all the best.

 

[Michelstaedter]

In fact, by leaving this world, you only make things worse for yourself. Time will erase everything in a person's consciousness, including the fact of your death. If you really want to fight "slavery" and the system, then you can do it only as a living person, because only then can you do, say or touch anything. By your example, show this world or those around you a new system that you would like to see in this world, I am sure you will find many like-minded people. But when you die, you will be dead. And you will not be able to fix this world in any way.
I am very sorry that your pets died, although I myself had many, and they were all loved by me. I understand you, but you should not have become too attached. You gave them what they needed: warmth, care, a good and happy life - this is very valuable. However, life is such that animals live less than people, and you need to learn to let them go. I am not talking about suppressing emotions in your soul, but about not letting these emotions weigh you down, and keeping them under control of your mind, not letting them go beyond the limits. You are a wonderful owner and person, you have done everything you could for them, and I am sure that they are grateful to you with all their little hearts.
You can always die, right? Why don't you look for the meaning of this life yourself now? Maybe it is right here, right now, right before your eyes? Or it may take months to find it, but what a reward. If life is painful, why not, for example, become someone (animal or human), for whom you can reduce this pain or even remove it altogether? Life has no meaning for you... but, ironically, you are the meaning of life for your pet and father right now - that's the least. Just think about it. I believe in you and wish you all the best.

I appreciate your words, however, and although it sounds like rejection, I've heard that same premise of "searching for meaning in life" before. For my part, I don't think it was a bad thing to become too attached to those animals; on the contrary, I discovered that one can love, not only people, but beings we accept as they are, who are pure instinct. I didn't need them to tell me "I love you," to hug me when I felt the need for affection, or even to accept me as I am and tell me so. In other words, it was a valuable experience, where I loved without expecting anything in return.
I've tried for a long time to convince myself that life can be more interesting. In fact, at some point I gave up on the idea of "why look for death?" However, I have disorders, I am overwhelmed, depression is hell, both mental and physical. A few years ago, anxiety joined "its friend," so this has transformed into an even harsher grief. There is no hope, and if I had any, I've lost it over the years. Fighting the system, while still alive, is useless. Many have tried, and it reminds me of the novel "1984," where in the end the only thing someone will gain is being worse off, like an automaton. It's impossible, it's impossible. The only thing that can destroy the system is nature, and it will be relentless one day.
Finally, if my father had a sense of purpose in his offspring, then it would be similar to what you said: "don't get too attached." Therefore, no one or nothing can be the sense of purpose, because if I've learned anything in life, it's that everything has an end, and my end is probably near. That's why I'm on this forum. I won't be determined, but as Ryunosuke Akutagawa mentions in "Letter to a Certain Friend," when I start to feel no desire for that human strength that I already lack, I will be prepared, and at that moment, the method won't matter, only the end.

 

[Persik]

I appreciate your words, however, and although it sounds like rejection, I've heard that same premise of "searching for meaning in life" before. For my part, I don't think it was a bad thing to become too attached to those animals; on the contrary, I discovered that one can love, not only people, but beings we accept as they are, who are pure instinct. I didn't need them to tell me "I love you," to hug me when I felt the need for affection, or even to accept me as I am and tell me so. In other words, it was a valuable experience, where I loved without expecting anything in return.
I've tried for a long time to convince myself that life can be more interesting. In fact, at some point I gave up on the idea of "why look for death?" However, I have disorders, I am overwhelmed, depression is hell, both mental and physical. A few years ago, anxiety joined "its friend," so this has transformed into an even harsher grief. There is no hope, and if I had any, I've lost it over the years. Fighting the system, while still alive, is useless. Many have tried, and it reminds me of the novel "1984," where in the end the only thing someone will gain is being worse off, like an automaton. It's impossible, it's impossible. The only thing that can destroy the system is nature, and it will be relentless one day.
Finally, if my father had a sense of purpose in his offspring, then it would be similar to what you said: "don't get too attached." Therefore, no one or nothing can be the sense of purpose, because if I've learned anything in life, it's that everything has an end, and my end is probably near. That's why I'm on this forum. I won't be determined, but as Ryunosuke Akutagawa mentions in "Letter to a Certain Friend," when I start to feel no desire for that human strength that I already lack, I will be prepared, and at that moment, the method won't matter, only the end.

I know what it is like to be depressed and to live with suicidal thoughts, so I understand you. I will tell you something that is very obvious to you, but you think depressively (sounds like a joke, doesn't it?). Of course, you will not change the system globally, this is obvious, but you can change the environment you are in. At least try to do it with hard work and personal example. Of course, there are many nuances: people like you will be unhappy with you, of course, not all. Yes, everyone has an end, this is true, but the essence is how we live the segment of life allotted to us. It is not about the quantity, but the quality of the life lived. Okay, to be honest, I sympathize with you that you got into such a situation. If I answer your post, then we will already move on to reasoning and philosophy. If you want, you can write me a private message and talk about anything. Or if I can help you with anything, I will always be open to you. I wish you all the best)