L
LoveTakesManyForms
Student
- Sep 9, 2021
- 175
I can't say I didn't try to make something of all the difficulties life has thrown at me. But unfortunately with worsening nerve pain and resultant depression, the harder I try, the more pain and suffering I experience.
It's getting to the point now where I can't control my thoughts; every waking moment (and even in my sleep in the form of nightmares) is dominated with stabbing, burning pain.
I feel utterly consumed with panic and desperation every single moment I'm alive. I already had severe mental illness, and now I have physical to boot.
Relentless physical and mental anguish... I must have done something pretty awful in a past life to end up here, because I can't for the life of me think of what I might have done here to deserve this.
The pain overrides everything, everything that made life worthwhile, and counterbalanced the difficulties of living.
Food tastes like ashes. Hugs feel bitter. Music sounds like anguished screaming. Conversation holds no merit nor interest: it's like trying to discuss the weather while being slowly crushed in an Iron Maiden.
The worst part is that every bit of suffering I've endured was completely preventable; all the health problems I now face which have crushed my quality of life and spirit were well known in my family, but since nobody in my family talks to each other, nobody bothered to inform me. My older half brother has had every health problem I now have, all are treatable/preventable when known about. All are permanent when not identified and treated.
I should have given up a long time ago, but my misguided sense of wanting to add value to other's lives and mitigate suffering won over and kept me here longer.
I wanted to finish the program I'm working on to make money to support those around me, then buy a gun and end it all. A win-win.
Instead, my sisyphean endeavours to facilitate this just cause more pain, to the point where I can no longer drive or even sleep. I can't force my mind and body any further, I've literally worked myself into the ground.
So, today's the day, like it or not... I've got a chiropractor's appointment at 18:15 (it's 11:41 now); If my pain doesn't somehow miraculously reduce after this appointment (I'm not holding my breath), I'm going to take a shitload of quetiapine and amitriptyline, then hang myself in a nearby area. There is no point in waiting another day. It's futile.
I don't want to die by hanging, but I no longer have any choice; I don't have the funds nor the contacts to illegally obtain a firearm (I have a mental health record, and even if I didn't I can't wait another whole year for the application process).
My desperation to die by firearm has become so extreme that I actually considered storming a firearm owner's house with a knife and threatening to kill them if they don't give me the keys to the gun cabinet. I won't do that to anyone.
I'm becoming a dangerous person against my will. Considering I've had unstable people permanently maim and attempt to murder me in the past, I see this as my final challenge: rid the world of the burden of my existence by any means necessary... don't become a blight on this planet as I have been blighted.
The ultimate test. I will not fail this time.
I can feel love, peace and forgiveness welling up within me as I strive toward acting in harmony with my beliefs. I've done everything I can and this is now the conclusion, the climax of it all.
I'm going to send an email out containing apologies for my departure and detailing the location of my body, to help spare some poor passerby the horror of coming across it.
I'd call 911 but am afraid I will be saved, left in a vegetable state. And my cellphone doesn't have the capability to schedule messages for later sending (it's a piece of shit).
It has well and truly dawned on me that I should have completed suicide already. The only difference between ending it sooner and ending it now was watching my Mother die in agony of cancer, feeling like a burden to my brother whom I love dearly, and creating a child which I can't look after due to my egregiously poor health.
The guilt of the latter is absolutely overwhelming. My worst nightmare came true when I was lied to about the fertility of someone I did my best to help. I sincerely believe that the worst thing a person can do is procreate- bring another being into this world to suffer god knows what tragedy in this life. Now I am complicit in this, and it haunts my dreams.
I can't protect my poor child from this terrifying reality, I don't have the tools to do so. Just as I watched my Mother suffer since my childhood, having to do it alone whilst my Father lived a lavish lifestyle, so too have I recreated the same situation (albeit it slightly different), against my will.
I explained at length the importance that her supposed sterility had, that if it eventuated that what she said was untrue, she would end up doing it all alone due to my poor health, the poor health I obtained for no good reason, and no fault of my own. I did the right thing and was punished severely, yet again.
I am not sure why the universe has decided to force me into the noose; I have nill but good intentions. I see so much need in the world and desire to fill it.
But this pain... the horror... the sleeplessness and panic... they are beyond words. Incapacitating. Deeply frightening. I awaken in shock at the reality of my situation each and every morning, and sincerely wish I had died in my sleep.
It's surreal- being in this position. It truly doesn't feel real. Feels like I'm going to wake up from this nightmare any second. Like I just imagined this horror all in my mind.
I often think "how can this be? Surely if I try hard enough I'll overcome this, just like everything else, then laugh about the absurdity of it all."
Not this time. It's been slowly creeping up for years. I have incredible willpower, but will disappears in the face of endless torture. Torture I can do nothing about.
It's odd- I somehow knew things would end like this. I always had a feeling I would not live past age 30, my current age, even before I was suicidal. Then events perfectly aligned to ensure this ending. This is all the more compelling when I look back and realise I did all I could to stop it.
It's a painful idea that most of us don't want to confront: a human being's lack of control over life. No matter what moves we make, life has its own plans, and sometimes they are so horrifying that they defy belief.
I feel like I foresaw it all in a dream, I have an overwhelming sense of deja vu about the whole thing. This sense has been growing in intensity with time, and now rings clearly in my mind like a church bell. Even if I wanted to I couldn't stop what is coming. A common theme in my life- helplessness. Trying incredibly hard yet getting nowhere.
All the knowledge and skills I amassed through pain and strenuous effort... all wasted. Never getting to elicit the change I'd like to in the world. Feeling perennially disenfranchised and disillusioned. That's my fate, for one reason or another.
And after all the misery, I can't even die the way I'd like to- a quick shot to the head. A death that some other who want to live end up receiving.
This place couldn't be any more twisted. If there's a God, he's a sick fuck.
At least I won't have to endure any more horror. No more illness. No more disappointment and helplessness. No more ugliness of human beings- war, poverty, starvation, prostitution, rape, murder. No more unnecessary suffering.
The time has come. I'm sorry I couldn't stay to help anyone else. If I could turn back time I'd force the hands of Fate's clock backward, and make Father Time submit.
But he has won, he always does.
I love you all. Hey, maybe there'll be a miracle today... either way, I'll be at peace, finally.
It's getting to the point now where I can't control my thoughts; every waking moment (and even in my sleep in the form of nightmares) is dominated with stabbing, burning pain.
I feel utterly consumed with panic and desperation every single moment I'm alive. I already had severe mental illness, and now I have physical to boot.
Relentless physical and mental anguish... I must have done something pretty awful in a past life to end up here, because I can't for the life of me think of what I might have done here to deserve this.
The pain overrides everything, everything that made life worthwhile, and counterbalanced the difficulties of living.
Food tastes like ashes. Hugs feel bitter. Music sounds like anguished screaming. Conversation holds no merit nor interest: it's like trying to discuss the weather while being slowly crushed in an Iron Maiden.
The worst part is that every bit of suffering I've endured was completely preventable; all the health problems I now face which have crushed my quality of life and spirit were well known in my family, but since nobody in my family talks to each other, nobody bothered to inform me. My older half brother has had every health problem I now have, all are treatable/preventable when known about. All are permanent when not identified and treated.
I should have given up a long time ago, but my misguided sense of wanting to add value to other's lives and mitigate suffering won over and kept me here longer.
I wanted to finish the program I'm working on to make money to support those around me, then buy a gun and end it all. A win-win.
Instead, my sisyphean endeavours to facilitate this just cause more pain, to the point where I can no longer drive or even sleep. I can't force my mind and body any further, I've literally worked myself into the ground.
So, today's the day, like it or not... I've got a chiropractor's appointment at 18:15 (it's 11:41 now); If my pain doesn't somehow miraculously reduce after this appointment (I'm not holding my breath), I'm going to take a shitload of quetiapine and amitriptyline, then hang myself in a nearby area. There is no point in waiting another day. It's futile.
I don't want to die by hanging, but I no longer have any choice; I don't have the funds nor the contacts to illegally obtain a firearm (I have a mental health record, and even if I didn't I can't wait another whole year for the application process).
My desperation to die by firearm has become so extreme that I actually considered storming a firearm owner's house with a knife and threatening to kill them if they don't give me the keys to the gun cabinet. I won't do that to anyone.
I'm becoming a dangerous person against my will. Considering I've had unstable people permanently maim and attempt to murder me in the past, I see this as my final challenge: rid the world of the burden of my existence by any means necessary... don't become a blight on this planet as I have been blighted.
The ultimate test. I will not fail this time.
I can feel love, peace and forgiveness welling up within me as I strive toward acting in harmony with my beliefs. I've done everything I can and this is now the conclusion, the climax of it all.
I'm going to send an email out containing apologies for my departure and detailing the location of my body, to help spare some poor passerby the horror of coming across it.
I'd call 911 but am afraid I will be saved, left in a vegetable state. And my cellphone doesn't have the capability to schedule messages for later sending (it's a piece of shit).
It has well and truly dawned on me that I should have completed suicide already. The only difference between ending it sooner and ending it now was watching my Mother die in agony of cancer, feeling like a burden to my brother whom I love dearly, and creating a child which I can't look after due to my egregiously poor health.
The guilt of the latter is absolutely overwhelming. My worst nightmare came true when I was lied to about the fertility of someone I did my best to help. I sincerely believe that the worst thing a person can do is procreate- bring another being into this world to suffer god knows what tragedy in this life. Now I am complicit in this, and it haunts my dreams.
I can't protect my poor child from this terrifying reality, I don't have the tools to do so. Just as I watched my Mother suffer since my childhood, having to do it alone whilst my Father lived a lavish lifestyle, so too have I recreated the same situation (albeit it slightly different), against my will.
I explained at length the importance that her supposed sterility had, that if it eventuated that what she said was untrue, she would end up doing it all alone due to my poor health, the poor health I obtained for no good reason, and no fault of my own. I did the right thing and was punished severely, yet again.
I am not sure why the universe has decided to force me into the noose; I have nill but good intentions. I see so much need in the world and desire to fill it.
But this pain... the horror... the sleeplessness and panic... they are beyond words. Incapacitating. Deeply frightening. I awaken in shock at the reality of my situation each and every morning, and sincerely wish I had died in my sleep.
It's surreal- being in this position. It truly doesn't feel real. Feels like I'm going to wake up from this nightmare any second. Like I just imagined this horror all in my mind.
I often think "how can this be? Surely if I try hard enough I'll overcome this, just like everything else, then laugh about the absurdity of it all."
Not this time. It's been slowly creeping up for years. I have incredible willpower, but will disappears in the face of endless torture. Torture I can do nothing about.
It's odd- I somehow knew things would end like this. I always had a feeling I would not live past age 30, my current age, even before I was suicidal. Then events perfectly aligned to ensure this ending. This is all the more compelling when I look back and realise I did all I could to stop it.
It's a painful idea that most of us don't want to confront: a human being's lack of control over life. No matter what moves we make, life has its own plans, and sometimes they are so horrifying that they defy belief.
I feel like I foresaw it all in a dream, I have an overwhelming sense of deja vu about the whole thing. This sense has been growing in intensity with time, and now rings clearly in my mind like a church bell. Even if I wanted to I couldn't stop what is coming. A common theme in my life- helplessness. Trying incredibly hard yet getting nowhere.
All the knowledge and skills I amassed through pain and strenuous effort... all wasted. Never getting to elicit the change I'd like to in the world. Feeling perennially disenfranchised and disillusioned. That's my fate, for one reason or another.
And after all the misery, I can't even die the way I'd like to- a quick shot to the head. A death that some other who want to live end up receiving.
This place couldn't be any more twisted. If there's a God, he's a sick fuck.
At least I won't have to endure any more horror. No more illness. No more disappointment and helplessness. No more ugliness of human beings- war, poverty, starvation, prostitution, rape, murder. No more unnecessary suffering.
The time has come. I'm sorry I couldn't stay to help anyone else. If I could turn back time I'd force the hands of Fate's clock backward, and make Father Time submit.
But he has won, he always does.
I love you all. Hey, maybe there'll be a miracle today... either way, I'll be at peace, finally.
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