my ex died and i want to go with him

[nembutal]

he was 18. relapsed on heroin after two weeks and died on the 7th last month. he was my only source of motivation to continue forward. he saved my life two months back when i overdosed in the same exact room as he died. why wasn't it me. i was taking those drugs in hopes that they would kill me. he wanted to live so badly and now he's gone. i blame myself daily. ive read stories from those who have lost loved ones to fentanyl and the pain does not get any easier to carry. if i feel this way as his ex partner i can't imagine what his mother feels like. i wasn't even allowed at his service because part of his family placed the blame on me. i know i could have saved him. i know i could have begged him to call me if he were to ever relapse. i would have stayed on the phone with him and called emergency services. why did he save me back in november. i should have died in order to serve him a lesson. my stomach is in knots. this pain will never fade. he was my everything.

 

[jodes2]

I'm so sorry, you must be going through such torment. Don't blame yourself for anything. He was an adult and responsible for himself. You must miss him terribly. I'm sure it will get easier with time.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds really painful and hard to deal with what you have to go through, but anyway rest in peace.

 

[ilovecats]

I can't imagine how painful this must feel. I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

[Versailles]

I am very sorry and it causes me a lump in my throat and an indescribable sadness when reading someone like you recounting how he lost his love. My partner with whom I spent 5 years of my life committed suicide and to this day I am still struggling with this trauma, it is an indelible scar for me and it is one of the reasons why I want CTB

 

[nembutal]

I am very sorry and it causes me a lump in my throat and an indescribable sadness when reading someone like you recounting how he lost his love. My partner with whom I spent 5 years of my life committed suicide and to this day I am still struggling with this trauma, it is an indelible scar for me and it is one of the reasons why I want CTB

i am sorry if this sounds backhanded due to the nature of the forum we're on, but i am envious of how far you've come despite the trauma of your loved ones death. i feel the need to escape the pain immediately. i hope something turns around for me, for the both of us perhaps, that will make me question my decision to die so that i can experience a few more years of life as well. thank you for responding and i am so sorry for the pain you are feeling.