So, I'm typically a very private person - however I figure this anonymous forum is a safer place to vent than most.
I'm not sure what I'm hoping to get out of this, but maybe just maybe venting to people who can empathize?
My life has always been difficult.
When I was three, I lost a younger brother to SIDS. This affected my parents greatly both mentally and financially,but I somehow managed to make it.
Then, when i was six, we lost another brother to SIDS,and my parents never bounced back.
We lost our house, we were taken by CPS due to "suspicious circumstances" since it's rare apparently to have two young children pass due to SIDS. Eventually the court cases were settled, my parents were in fact proven innocence, and they spent until I was eight recovering financially.
We then moved to a new state completely, to start over. One year after that, our home flooded and we had to start over. Again.
Fast forward, my mother, sister, and I moved back to our home town while my dad worked to get everything back to a livable situation. He was then hit by hurricane Gustav.
We moved to -another state- as it was impossible for him to rebuild after that there, and he needed the sign on bonus of his new company to re-establish us...it didnt work out due to various health issues with my dad.
We then move back again to my hometown, as my father teeters on the edge of death due to chronic lung disease while my mom works minimum wage to get us by.
Things start to finally look up for me in high school, I get my first serious girlfriend, my dads health begins to improve and he goes back to work.
Senior year begins, girlfriend dumps me, and I end up with my jaw shattered while I'm walking home one day (unrelated instances). I get through the multiple surgeries to correct it.
I receive a scholarship to a medical school, and I give it a shot. Due to my own mental health at this point, I cant handle it and move to where my parents are currently living to try and see if school can work if I'm near family.
Things begin looking up, parents home they had bought is going well - mom and dad are doing well financially, I'm working part time and going to school full time. And I begin dating the love of my life.
About a month after I met this woman, my home burns down, and she lets me move in with her while my parents get -another- housing situation going.
She gets me a job with her, 9-5, good benefits, good pay. We sign a lease together.
We receive multiple promotions at work, continuing to improve. We get a larger apartment (1300 sqft, granite countertops, the works!)
In 2018, about a year after we get the new apartment,I propose and she says yes!.
We decide to get a puppy and we just adore him. Hes so spoiled and loved.
We then both immediately received substantial promotions. Life is finally looking up for me. We decide we should look at buying our first home together, then plan for the wedding - as that should be better financially for us.
So we work, and work hard. We're handed special projects, we work overtime, I sell my inheritance, we scrimp and scrounge and we manage to come up with ~20k for our down payment. We did it on our own,no help. No government grants. We did it.
And we close on december 16th 2019,birthday. We move in on the 17th, the day before her birthday. We spend her birthday and christmas in our new home.
It finally feels like I've made it. We have our dog. It's me and her. We had bought a 3 bedroom home "with room to grow" in mind. We have what everyone in my generation I feel aspires to, to some degree.
The white picket fence with a new house and a dog, and maybe kids in the future.
We spend January cleaning the old apartment and she mentions how tired she is and how exhausting it is. She says shes out of breath. We figure, since the old apartment was on the third floor - maybe its just exhausting both of us going up and down. especially since she has asthma.
We turn in the keys to the old apartment on January 24th, 2020.
She then begins experiencing rib spasms as she put it, and shes getting abdominal pain. She says she cannot get her lungs to "release"
We wait a few days and then it gets so bad that I'm able to convince her to go to urgent care.
The physician on staff talks to her for all but 30 seconds, listens to her heart, standard physical exam but rushed. He then sends her off for an xray. Xray comes back, he says he sees nothing - and brushes it off as anxiety.
We say argue. It's not anxiety. He prescribes baclofen and naproxen "to help with the pain then" and sends us on our way.
That night it gets worse. Shes screaming in pain and says she doesnt know what to do. I ask her what she wants to fo or what I can do. She tells me to decide. I say get dressed then let's go to the emergency room. We drive the -25 minutes to the closest hospital. We pull into the parking lot and I ask "are you sure you want to do this?"
I'm still not sure why I asked. Maybe because i didnt like the idea of deciding something for her. I respected her too much, to not let her make her own decisions. Regardless, I knew the answer. She said no, let's not. Go home.
Next morning, same thing. We drive to the ER and she says no as I go to turn the corner to it. She says let's try a different urgent care.
We spend an hour in the waiting room, and that physician is sympathetic, but says she has no better answer for us -heres some prednisone for inflammation maybe.
We have the option to work from home, so she stays home that week and takes the medication. We follow up with her normal dr, who spends 2 or 3 hrs going over the last couple weeks with us. She does a full physical exam, and says " I highly doubt this is anxiety, and it doesnt appear to be due to an injury but I just dont have a better diagnosis to give you without an episode occurring when I can see it. If the meds they gave you are helping, keep taking them and call me if it gets worse."
She appears to get better that week, and keeps up on the meds.
That following saturday morning, I had to work but she wasbt feeling well. So I went and got us some coffee, and some mcdonalds breakfast -comfort food,and stayed home to work in the office.
I'm working and shes watching tv, so she texts me saying essentially "I think the prednisone is making my heart race and I'm feeling lightheaded". We work in the healthcare industry, so we both know those are common side effects. We look up half lives etc and decide to let her wait it out.
I get off work, and go to find her. She throws a pack of cigarettes at the backdoor as I walk past... and she tells me she cant stand. So i ask her if I should call an ambulance. She says no.
Then the first seizure hits. I call 911 and she comes to. She asks what the hell I'm doing and I told her. She says no and says cancel it. I've already called so I hand her the phone because she has to be the one to refuse service. She cancels the call.
We then begin to discuss what to do, as she's never had a seizure before-but shes concerned with the bill.
She has another seizure and I cant get a respiration count now or find a pulse. I call 911 again and they respond.
She comes to again and I dont give her the chance to cancel the call this time. Paramedics arrived and start to talk to her. Shes alert and coherent. I'm concerned but I feel like shes okay.
They begin to calm her down and she says "its gonna happen again" they say okay that's fine. We"ll treat here if it happens. Dont worry itll be okay. Ans she begins to seize again. And then they begin working on her. She doesnt regain consciousness at home and they load her into the ambulance. I go to get in and they tell me no room- follow them. So I moved as fast as I can to find my keys and get going asap.
I run to the ER. And I see the paramedics who pull me in. They ask if I'm the husband. I say "not yet but soon -lets go"
They then show me. And the doctor tells me the hardest thing I've ever heard.
"Shes been asystole for an hour. She never came back".
This was february first. The day our first mortgage payment was due, we hadnt even finished unpacking fully.
Everything I ever wanted died that day. And now I'm not even sure why I'm still here.
Anyhow...I'm not sure why I'm posting this, but I guess I just needed to talk freely.
I'm not sure what I'm hoping to get out of this, but maybe just maybe venting to people who can empathize?
My life has always been difficult.
When I was three, I lost a younger brother to SIDS. This affected my parents greatly both mentally and financially,but I somehow managed to make it.
Then, when i was six, we lost another brother to SIDS,and my parents never bounced back.
We lost our house, we were taken by CPS due to "suspicious circumstances" since it's rare apparently to have two young children pass due to SIDS. Eventually the court cases were settled, my parents were in fact proven innocence, and they spent until I was eight recovering financially.
We then moved to a new state completely, to start over. One year after that, our home flooded and we had to start over. Again.
Fast forward, my mother, sister, and I moved back to our home town while my dad worked to get everything back to a livable situation. He was then hit by hurricane Gustav.
We moved to -another state- as it was impossible for him to rebuild after that there, and he needed the sign on bonus of his new company to re-establish us...it didnt work out due to various health issues with my dad.
We then move back again to my hometown, as my father teeters on the edge of death due to chronic lung disease while my mom works minimum wage to get us by.
Things start to finally look up for me in high school, I get my first serious girlfriend, my dads health begins to improve and he goes back to work.
Senior year begins, girlfriend dumps me, and I end up with my jaw shattered while I'm walking home one day (unrelated instances). I get through the multiple surgeries to correct it.
I receive a scholarship to a medical school, and I give it a shot. Due to my own mental health at this point, I cant handle it and move to where my parents are currently living to try and see if school can work if I'm near family.
Things begin looking up, parents home they had bought is going well - mom and dad are doing well financially, I'm working part time and going to school full time. And I begin dating the love of my life.
About a month after I met this woman, my home burns down, and she lets me move in with her while my parents get -another- housing situation going.
She gets me a job with her, 9-5, good benefits, good pay. We sign a lease together.
We receive multiple promotions at work, continuing to improve. We get a larger apartment (1300 sqft, granite countertops, the works!)
In 2018, about a year after we get the new apartment,I propose and she says yes!.
We decide to get a puppy and we just adore him. Hes so spoiled and loved.
We then both immediately received substantial promotions. Life is finally looking up for me. We decide we should look at buying our first home together, then plan for the wedding - as that should be better financially for us.
So we work, and work hard. We're handed special projects, we work overtime, I sell my inheritance, we scrimp and scrounge and we manage to come up with ~20k for our down payment. We did it on our own,no help. No government grants. We did it.
And we close on december 16th 2019,birthday. We move in on the 17th, the day before her birthday. We spend her birthday and christmas in our new home.
It finally feels like I've made it. We have our dog. It's me and her. We had bought a 3 bedroom home "with room to grow" in mind. We have what everyone in my generation I feel aspires to, to some degree.
The white picket fence with a new house and a dog, and maybe kids in the future.
We spend January cleaning the old apartment and she mentions how tired she is and how exhausting it is. She says shes out of breath. We figure, since the old apartment was on the third floor - maybe its just exhausting both of us going up and down. especially since she has asthma.
We turn in the keys to the old apartment on January 24th, 2020.
She then begins experiencing rib spasms as she put it, and shes getting abdominal pain. She says she cannot get her lungs to "release"
We wait a few days and then it gets so bad that I'm able to convince her to go to urgent care.
The physician on staff talks to her for all but 30 seconds, listens to her heart, standard physical exam but rushed. He then sends her off for an xray. Xray comes back, he says he sees nothing - and brushes it off as anxiety.
We say argue. It's not anxiety. He prescribes baclofen and naproxen "to help with the pain then" and sends us on our way.
That night it gets worse. Shes screaming in pain and says she doesnt know what to do. I ask her what she wants to fo or what I can do. She tells me to decide. I say get dressed then let's go to the emergency room. We drive the -25 minutes to the closest hospital. We pull into the parking lot and I ask "are you sure you want to do this?"
I'm still not sure why I asked. Maybe because i didnt like the idea of deciding something for her. I respected her too much, to not let her make her own decisions. Regardless, I knew the answer. She said no, let's not. Go home.
Next morning, same thing. We drive to the ER and she says no as I go to turn the corner to it. She says let's try a different urgent care.
We spend an hour in the waiting room, and that physician is sympathetic, but says she has no better answer for us -heres some prednisone for inflammation maybe.
We have the option to work from home, so she stays home that week and takes the medication. We follow up with her normal dr, who spends 2 or 3 hrs going over the last couple weeks with us. She does a full physical exam, and says " I highly doubt this is anxiety, and it doesnt appear to be due to an injury but I just dont have a better diagnosis to give you without an episode occurring when I can see it. If the meds they gave you are helping, keep taking them and call me if it gets worse."
She appears to get better that week, and keeps up on the meds.
That following saturday morning, I had to work but she wasbt feeling well. So I went and got us some coffee, and some mcdonalds breakfast -comfort food,and stayed home to work in the office.
I'm working and shes watching tv, so she texts me saying essentially "I think the prednisone is making my heart race and I'm feeling lightheaded". We work in the healthcare industry, so we both know those are common side effects. We look up half lives etc and decide to let her wait it out.
I get off work, and go to find her. She throws a pack of cigarettes at the backdoor as I walk past... and she tells me she cant stand. So i ask her if I should call an ambulance. She says no.
Then the first seizure hits. I call 911 and she comes to. She asks what the hell I'm doing and I told her. She says no and says cancel it. I've already called so I hand her the phone because she has to be the one to refuse service. She cancels the call.
We then begin to discuss what to do, as she's never had a seizure before-but shes concerned with the bill.
She has another seizure and I cant get a respiration count now or find a pulse. I call 911 again and they respond.
She comes to again and I dont give her the chance to cancel the call this time. Paramedics arrived and start to talk to her. Shes alert and coherent. I'm concerned but I feel like shes okay.
They begin to calm her down and she says "its gonna happen again" they say okay that's fine. We"ll treat here if it happens. Dont worry itll be okay. Ans she begins to seize again. And then they begin working on her. She doesnt regain consciousness at home and they load her into the ambulance. I go to get in and they tell me no room- follow them. So I moved as fast as I can to find my keys and get going asap.
I run to the ER. And I see the paramedics who pull me in. They ask if I'm the husband. I say "not yet but soon -lets go"
They then show me. And the doctor tells me the hardest thing I've ever heard.
"Shes been asystole for an hour. She never came back".
This was february first. The day our first mortgage payment was due, we hadnt even finished unpacking fully.
Everything I ever wanted died that day. And now I'm not even sure why I'm still here.
Anyhow...I'm not sure why I'm posting this, but I guess I just needed to talk freely.
