My dread has sadly returned

[Blutsager]

Hello everyone,

I had left this forum for a while, after making all my posts about me coming to accept my death... days passed and I started feeling better... even optimistic. As I still have job, so does my mom, I could and can still afford food, so I started feeling good. Thinking it was gonna be alright. That I could endure until this entire disaster was over.

Well now the dread has returned. I was more or less hopeful and optimistic thinking this would probably only last a few more months... dreaming of a vaccine and that in 3 months this would be over. I haven't googled this topic, I have completely isolated myself from news and media, but still... today my mom was listening to the radio and I caught a debate about the Olympics in Japan and if they would happen in 2021, and an epidemiologist explaining it wasn't gonna happen cause this wouldn't be controlled worldwide by then. It dawned on me, even if I haven't researched it that, this obviously means there are no hopes of a vaccine or cure... that this will continue on for years to come.

I was getting optimistic again, so foolish and immature of me. But, here I am again, realizing there is no reason nor point in being hopeful anymore. I have lost it a little bit, but hope by spending more time with all of you again I may recover my acceptance of death, of it's inevitability and certainty that I will soon be dead. Accept it and embrace it so I may fear it no more, nor the things that await for me in the future.

Thank you all for making this community what it is today. I wish you all best. And I apologize for my disappearance this last week.

 

[Blutsager]

@imroch Thank you for such kind things.

I am from Argentina. My goverment is bravely holding it together in a full quarantine, even when I think the ammount of sick here doesn't reach a thousand. Sadly when I thought this was gonna last a few months I thought we would be able to hold it together. Now that I see this will last for years I fear immensely what is gonna happen.

I've been donating to our local food bank money everytime I do a big purchase I go and donate money to them too, like a tax I put on myself. I... dunno, I am scared of helping in other ways, afraid of exposing myself emotionally right now, I fear what I may hear are stories I won't be able to walk away from, to simply at the end of the day walk away and wind down, since we are all in this mess, me aswell.

Heh... right now my mom is on the phone, poor little thing is so distressed, arguing about all the shops and locals that are closing. About that there has to be another way to deal with this than full quarantine. It's sad to hear her. I hope, if this isn't meant to end soon, then that he life may end soon so she may not suffer the horrors to come.

Thank you for your kind words, my friend.

 

[Blutsager]

@imroch Well... I don't really know how to reply to this.

To the very least, I can't really thank you for it. This is terrifying... 18 months to the very least. And we won't hold that long. There won't be any industry left to produce those vaccines by the time the tests are over.

I can feel what little remnants of hope that were inside my body leaving me, as I realize how horrible this is gonna be. Now more than ever I realize, I must get my SN in order. I must be ready to end it all.

I... during last week, I have come to think that I was being exaggerated. That it wasn't gonna come to that. That my visions were unfounded. Of seeing me and my mom in my apartment, in a blackout and without water. My mom in tears, with a knife on her hand thinking of committing suicide. My grandparents dead of the infection. And me there, telling her I have an easier way out than a knife.

I started thinking it wasn't gonna come to that. That it wasn't gonna be that bad.

It's clear that it will. And it will be much worse than I even fear. The horrors will be unspeakable.

How horrifying. I don't see much of a point in continue living anymore then. Death is inevitable now, and I am terrified of how painful is it gonna be later on.

I wanna thank you but... Well, I don't know what to say. I don't feel like thanking anymore.