ctb★prince
villain otd
- Jul 7, 2023
- 130
i just need to share, and feel like this is the most appropriate place.
for starters, bpd, or at least all of its symptoms, keep hitting me like a truck, im such an air head that i dont even notice ive been hit, just slowly start experiencing the aftermath of it with delay, like a sloth.
i only realize im experiencing a certain symptom when ive already done something stupid or am too far gone spiralling out of my god damn mind!
and then my ocd, or maybe a curse thats been placed on me, despite my greatest efforts, makes sure that each time i enjoy something i get hit with yet another metaphorical truck. nothing can just go well for me, each time i settle for something and am happy with what i have, it will always somehow go wrong:
losing all my pens right before an important exam, right after celebrating my studying progress;
slipping and ripping my favorite pants right after being happy about a sweet message from my boyfriend;
said boyfriend, who i loved dearly, turning out to be a bitter manchild who secretly hated me because i couldnt be enough like his mother;
the power going out when finally winning in an online game.
(and more serious stuff, that i dont feel like mentioning)
making me feel like its necessary to stay on guard all the time, to never trust anyone, anything, to be alert, always.
i know its just my subconscious mind blowing it out of proportion, even though i try to bottle it up and guard against it, i just cant help seeing it like a rule of nature, to be punished for my happiness. theres always a price to pay, and it always has to be bigger than what im paying for. cant believe inflation has gotten that far!
i dont even have it in me to be suicidal anymore, i do want to live, just not like this, not in this body, not with this mind, i want to kill this self, but really dont want to die, yet at the same time wouldnt mind if i were to die, if that makes sense?
i just want the voices to quiet down, to stop overwhelming me, to let function like a normal person for once, its just so tiring.
im tired of thinking im not enough, im tired of thinking i dont deserve anything good, that im a failure, that im a burden, and so on. im far too self aware now to believe those thoughts, even if thats someones genuine opinion of me, yet they keep coming, non stop.
ill try to sleep it off tonight, but i know it will come back, id pull an all nighter if not for all the overthinking making me nauseous.
tldr: UGH UGH THE VOICES MAKE IT STOP
for starters, bpd, or at least all of its symptoms, keep hitting me like a truck, im such an air head that i dont even notice ive been hit, just slowly start experiencing the aftermath of it with delay, like a sloth.
i only realize im experiencing a certain symptom when ive already done something stupid or am too far gone spiralling out of my god damn mind!
and then my ocd, or maybe a curse thats been placed on me, despite my greatest efforts, makes sure that each time i enjoy something i get hit with yet another metaphorical truck. nothing can just go well for me, each time i settle for something and am happy with what i have, it will always somehow go wrong:
losing all my pens right before an important exam, right after celebrating my studying progress;
slipping and ripping my favorite pants right after being happy about a sweet message from my boyfriend;
said boyfriend, who i loved dearly, turning out to be a bitter manchild who secretly hated me because i couldnt be enough like his mother;
the power going out when finally winning in an online game.
(and more serious stuff, that i dont feel like mentioning)
making me feel like its necessary to stay on guard all the time, to never trust anyone, anything, to be alert, always.
i know its just my subconscious mind blowing it out of proportion, even though i try to bottle it up and guard against it, i just cant help seeing it like a rule of nature, to be punished for my happiness. theres always a price to pay, and it always has to be bigger than what im paying for. cant believe inflation has gotten that far!
i dont even have it in me to be suicidal anymore, i do want to live, just not like this, not in this body, not with this mind, i want to kill this self, but really dont want to die, yet at the same time wouldnt mind if i were to die, if that makes sense?
i just want the voices to quiet down, to stop overwhelming me, to let function like a normal person for once, its just so tiring.
im tired of thinking im not enough, im tired of thinking i dont deserve anything good, that im a failure, that im a burden, and so on. im far too self aware now to believe those thoughts, even if thats someones genuine opinion of me, yet they keep coming, non stop.
ill try to sleep it off tonight, but i know it will come back, id pull an all nighter if not for all the overthinking making me nauseous.
tldr: UGH UGH THE VOICES MAKE IT STOP
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