My dilemma

[goodoldnoname923]

as you may already know if you have been reading my threads at all or kept an eye on me i managed to finally find a method I'm comfortable doing…may i add one I could've literally have done months ago but oh well anyways

I spent a decent awhile trying to psych myself up to go was waiting for the emotions to explode and overwhelm me,when i felt within days of going i ended up talking to this person

Nice dude we've basically been calling everyday since we met and i remember the night i was planning to leave it freaked them the fuck out..we hardly knew eachother yet knew and related too much to one another

Part of me stopped out of guilt but another part was i wanted to spend more time with them get to know them more allow them to know me more before i went

There was even a brief stage i felt guilty meeting them as their whole life they've felt misunderstood and shit and the second someone understood them they left but i feel the same way about them

But ever since i've started talking about them my thoughts about my old friend blue and the dude shes with have been getting much more prominent to my mind to the point of mental and psychological toture like their forcing me to leave

I'm happy with them they make me happy and i'm happy i make them happy but I can't live a full and happy content life because all i'll ever think about is blue

Even though they made me realise blue wasn't necessarily everything i made them out to be anyway…blue never necessarily did anything wrong as such but she did alot of things that hurt me and we were ultimately incompatible

But now idk if i just stay alive and make my goal to keep them happy and somewhat enjoy their company when i'm not being destoryed (which even they don't seem to want)

Or for me to go but naturally they don't want that either they want me to be genuinely and truly happy but with her constantly in my mind i just can't accomplish that…so I genuinely dont know what to do


its not like their not the right person really they,I genuinely feel like their better than kimchi and blue put together i even told them this. But i just dk if i can deal with the constant thoughts of blue destroying me all of the time.

They even said to me that they wouldn't want me to stay around just for them (in me being unhappy) but they don't want me to go either

They want me to be happy which they do make me in short bursts but in the grander scheme it doesn't last

They're doing everything and more to make me happy and I couldn't ask for more but my heartbreak and cling on her feels like too much

And because their breaking up for summer and their around all the time if i really wanna go i feel it needs to be this week…which really doesn't give me much leeway for time…

The thing is i'm often a selfish person if i was really to choose to live purely for them it would be a new leaf for me really.

for my whole life their exactly who i've been looking for and thats what makes it all the sadder…i never wanted my life to come to this but here we are

They make me happy and are doing everything and more to do so to varying success but even they acknowledge they can never remove blue from my mind even though i'd say their a better fit than she ever was

In a way our relationship is so deep I've just sorta forgotten the rest of the world in some ways even though negative thoughts exist so yea

I still dk if it's worse leaving them though or sticking around just to make them happy because they don't really want that either


I really have connected with them super well honestly, i feel like they are better than kimchi and blue put together that sorta perfect person I thought i'd never find that i needed before,yet the only concern that really plagues me which was always inevitable was time

They have way less time on kimchi and blue and the question is am i willing to give them that time because it would take just that alot of time

part of me wants to stay alive wether its for them or because of them is irrelevant to a point when you take into account my pain and suffering

They don't want me to stay around just for them,they want me to be genuinely happy but idk if i can achieve that

Is there no other option? Again I'm just terrified of the future of going on without blue but I have them but am i really ready to commit to living and putting myself out there i really don't believe i am especially with the thoughts of her still existing

blues in my mind more if anything and I'm overthinking more, i may have some Happiness and joy sure…maybe even a tiny bit of hope but somedays that hope fades completely

the pain I have from blue is going to last years so is it worth going through that to maybe get to the end of the road to maybe have happiness

And it's not just reminders currently it's constant obession with her in my head for hours and hours at a time

I shouldn't force myself to stay for others but they are different id be willing to sacrifice myself for them to be happy because they are special to me,and I have others around me to support me sure


It took me muiltple years to get over kimchi and she was only in my life 2 years while blue was in it for 6

And thats why i wish the window wasn't so small because i feel like i need to take the opportunity before its too late

And i've talked about them but i dont feel they'll ease at all and i can even detect their helplessness when i talk to them about it i really do

she left but now she's been told she's allowed to heal yet I'm being made out to be a monster when in reality she hurt me too

Honestly at this stage i feel my only reason to stay alive is to keep them happy over myself they do still make me happy but i think the negativity outweighs the positive