purebliss
Just be happy =)
- Mar 3, 2026
- 164
Part 1 - Life Story | Onion Link
Part 2 - Planning | Onion Link
Part 3 - Closure + DSL | Onion Link
Part 4 - Cover Blown | Onion Link <- Emotionally charged article. No longer reflects my current opinions and was written under massive sadness
Part 4:Amendment - Missing them | Onion Link <- Emotionally charged article. No longer reflects my current opinions and was written under massive sadness
Part 5 - Hypothesis | Onion Link
Part 6 - Curiosity | Onion Link
Well guess what. I got my last wish fulfilled that I outlined in Part 6.
That one single last hope I clung on to.
That one last hope to get out of this physically alive.
That goddamn hope that I can find someone to play me as their "puppet" and them being able to shut my brain up once and for all.
I got it.
I got what I wished for.
It is done
It is over.
My brain has shown me that even if I get the chance to be someone's property that there is no hope for me anymore.
I tried it all now. Even that last. That last goddamn hope I clung on so desperately to not have to go physically.
Now shattered and broken.
It's also a redeeming feeling, though.
Having clarity on something that you hoped could be your last saving grace.
While most people on SaSu have circumstantial problems that can be fixed by getting a proper Job, a relationship, actual loving and caring parents or at least moving out, my problem is in no way fixable.
I tried it all. Therapy, Psychward, Drugs, Relationships, Love and lust, going out with friends to every spot imaginable, reinventing myself 3 times, becoming someones pet, becoming jacked, getting a lot of money, spending a lot of money, indulging in the deepest pit of my masochism to the point that it leaves forever lasting marks.
Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Not even the pain feels like it used to be. Even that is no longer enough to clear my head.
So yeah. What now?
I guess most of you can guess the answer ^^ Not for now, though. Not for now...
It is a good thing that my instinct is finally smashed for good.
Have a good and wonderful time everyone.
I hope that you can find yourtrue happiness pure bliss.
No matter if that is in life or death <3
Cheers!
Music fitting to it all <3:
Part 2 - Planning | Onion Link
Part 3 - Closure + DSL | Onion Link
Part 4 - Cover Blown | Onion Link <- Emotionally charged article. No longer reflects my current opinions and was written under massive sadness
Part 4:Amendment - Missing them | Onion Link <- Emotionally charged article. No longer reflects my current opinions and was written under massive sadness
Part 5 - Hypothesis | Onion Link
Part 6 - Curiosity | Onion Link
Well guess what. I got my last wish fulfilled that I outlined in Part 6.
That one single last hope I clung on to.
That one last hope to get out of this physically alive.
That goddamn hope that I can find someone to play me as their "puppet" and them being able to shut my brain up once and for all.
I got it.
I got what I wished for.
The date went spectacularly well.
In the middle of it she sadly noticed the hickey on the lower part of my neck that I got from yet another pointless "adventure" of mine that barely let's me feel anything anymore.
Something I so desperately wanted to leave behind. I wanted to feel genuine connections again. Something meaningful.
At this point I was more than sure that this was already over and I was ready to drive her home.
I came blank with what a life I have lived the year before. All those meaningless "funsies" I had.
But... it somehow did not deter her from me. Yes she was a bit jealous and obviously not all too happy. But she was apparently more interested in what a person I was.
I was flashed away that this was not reason enough for her to throw me into the wind.
We kept talking. Me being super nervous the entire time because of social anxiety and her being a really pretty girl.
I did not know how to look her in the eye.
She later told me that this was actually the reason she was so interested in me. Despite me being attractive to her, me also not being a Macho-man with an overblown self-esteem made her feel safe and good near myself. I still wonder to this day what kind of creatures you poor woman have to encounter on those dating apps that I am considered "higher standard' compared to... whatever you have to see there.
After we ate and talk we decided to go and play Billiard :D
Haven't played in ages but apparently was still half decent at it.
I obv let her win 2 of the 3 matches :> She told me how much she liked winning~ And what do I care if I lose or win. I just wanted to see that happy smile on her face.
She already started to get closer to me during the game. Hugging me from the side. watching me very very close face to face as if expecting a kiss and I myself also felt that it became harder from me to move away from her side.
After the billiard game she asked me if we can find a parking spot because she would so very much like to not go already.
And when I parked it didn't took long for her to just grab my face and kiss me.
And wow... that was an amazing feeling. I felt so good in that moment.
I spare you the rest of the details.
We were there for about 3 hours in the car before I brought her home and went back home with somewhat of a new feeling in my heart
Hope.
I thought this might actually be a way out now.
This girl was so absolutely wanting to take control of all of me
In the middle of it she sadly noticed the hickey on the lower part of my neck that I got from yet another pointless "adventure" of mine that barely let's me feel anything anymore.
Something I so desperately wanted to leave behind. I wanted to feel genuine connections again. Something meaningful.
At this point I was more than sure that this was already over and I was ready to drive her home.
I came blank with what a life I have lived the year before. All those meaningless "funsies" I had.
But... it somehow did not deter her from me. Yes she was a bit jealous and obviously not all too happy. But she was apparently more interested in what a person I was.
I was flashed away that this was not reason enough for her to throw me into the wind.
We kept talking. Me being super nervous the entire time because of social anxiety and her being a really pretty girl.
I did not know how to look her in the eye.
She later told me that this was actually the reason she was so interested in me. Despite me being attractive to her, me also not being a Macho-man with an overblown self-esteem made her feel safe and good near myself. I still wonder to this day what kind of creatures you poor woman have to encounter on those dating apps that I am considered "higher standard' compared to... whatever you have to see there.
After we ate and talk we decided to go and play Billiard :D
Haven't played in ages but apparently was still half decent at it.
I obv let her win 2 of the 3 matches :> She told me how much she liked winning~ And what do I care if I lose or win. I just wanted to see that happy smile on her face.
She already started to get closer to me during the game. Hugging me from the side. watching me very very close face to face as if expecting a kiss and I myself also felt that it became harder from me to move away from her side.
After the billiard game she asked me if we can find a parking spot because she would so very much like to not go already.
And when I parked it didn't took long for her to just grab my face and kiss me.
And wow... that was an amazing feeling. I felt so good in that moment.
I spare you the rest of the details.
We were there for about 3 hours in the car before I brought her home and went back home with somewhat of a new feeling in my heart
Hope.
I thought this might actually be a way out now.
This girl was so absolutely wanting to take control of all of me
We met again the very next day.
Talked a lot again and wanted to watch "The Addams family" together.
I first showed her my apartment which blew her away from all the things I have constructed inside here and the cost of it all xD
Let's just say we did not watch much of the movie. It came as it had to and we had some fun.
She did see that giant K on my back though, which really made her jealous even though I warned her before that it will be there ^^'
And right in the middle of it:
Talked a lot again and wanted to watch "The Addams family" together.
I first showed her my apartment which blew her away from all the things I have constructed inside here and the cost of it all xD
Let's just say we did not watch much of the movie. It came as it had to and we had some fun.
She did see that giant K on my back though, which really made her jealous even though I warned her before that it will be there ^^'
And right in the middle of it:
I had this for a month now.
Ever since my brain screwed up and completely demolished my survival instinct it seems like it tries to regain control of me and make the last moments of my life as much of a hell as possible.
And man does it have weaponry against myself that I could not ever hope of having.
While I can try to fuck myself up with drugs, hookups and masochism it has my entire body to use against me.
And using it, it does.
I am the prime example that we are not our brains. My brain never ever cooperated with me.
Why do you think junkies are junkies? So they do not have to feel their brain fight against themselves with withdrawal, desire, cravings and whatever other things it can come up with.
In my case it is just much, much worse.
To get back on track: I have had cry attacks the entire month at this point. I can't even be alone on the toilet anymore because my brain fills my head full with every possible thought.
They are no longer just of psychic origin, no. They also manifest physically now. When I get those attacks it feels like my lungs are being compressed together from the inside. I can't breathe anymore. My body begins to go into full on panic and survival mode. I feel nauseating and have a strong feeling of impending doom.
They come in the most random times, no control, no nothing. My lungs just start cramping together and I know it is about to happen again.
Ever since my brain screwed up and completely demolished my survival instinct it seems like it tries to regain control of me and make the last moments of my life as much of a hell as possible.
And man does it have weaponry against myself that I could not ever hope of having.
While I can try to fuck myself up with drugs, hookups and masochism it has my entire body to use against me.
And using it, it does.
I am the prime example that we are not our brains. My brain never ever cooperated with me.
Why do you think junkies are junkies? So they do not have to feel their brain fight against themselves with withdrawal, desire, cravings and whatever other things it can come up with.
In my case it is just much, much worse.
To get back on track: I have had cry attacks the entire month at this point. I can't even be alone on the toilet anymore because my brain fills my head full with every possible thought.
They are no longer just of psychic origin, no. They also manifest physically now. When I get those attacks it feels like my lungs are being compressed together from the inside. I can't breathe anymore. My body begins to go into full on panic and survival mode. I feel nauseating and have a strong feeling of impending doom.
They come in the most random times, no control, no nothing. My lungs just start cramping together and I know it is about to happen again.
And right when I had her legs tightly wrapped around my face, which I usually love so much, it started yet again.
Right. In. The. Middle. Of. It
It was so insanely claustrophobic. Everything felt so wrong.
She obviously felt now like she did anything wrong.
And that is where I just came clean. I asked her to promise me to not call the police on me.
That is all I wanted.
She did.
And I just came blank. About my plans. About how it is so over for me. How much I can not stay just one more day in this terrible, terrible physical body of mine.
How very much I desire to just be controlled.
And you know what. She actually wanted that as well. Take my metaphorical and physical leash.
I just. I listened and she commanded and that was somewhat nice!
Not having to think indeed made it not as bad at first.
But no.
It just should not be.
Right. In. The. Middle. Of. It
It was so insanely claustrophobic. Everything felt so wrong.
She obviously felt now like she did anything wrong.
And that is where I just came clean. I asked her to promise me to not call the police on me.
That is all I wanted.
She did.
And I just came blank. About my plans. About how it is so over for me. How much I can not stay just one more day in this terrible, terrible physical body of mine.
How very much I desire to just be controlled.
And you know what. She actually wanted that as well. Take my metaphorical and physical leash.
I just. I listened and she commanded and that was somewhat nice!
Not having to think indeed made it not as bad at first.
But no.
It just should not be.
In the end. Just a few hours of that and I became completely tired of it.
My mind went back to filling with me every type of sadness I can possibly feel. We now did it like that the last couple days. Me just listening and she commanding.
I hoped so much that I can finally win against this 13 years old fight against my head without having to physically die.
But no.
I felt dirty, unfinished and unfixable on the inside.
My mind went back to filling with me every type of sadness I can possibly feel. We now did it like that the last couple days. Me just listening and she commanding.
I hoped so much that I can finally win against this 13 years old fight against my head without having to physically die.
But no.
I felt dirty, unfinished and unfixable on the inside.
It is over.
My brain has shown me that even if I get the chance to be someone's property that there is no hope for me anymore.
I tried it all now. Even that last. That last goddamn hope I clung on so desperately to not have to go physically.
Now shattered and broken.
It's also a redeeming feeling, though.
Having clarity on something that you hoped could be your last saving grace.
While most people on SaSu have circumstantial problems that can be fixed by getting a proper Job, a relationship, actual loving and caring parents or at least moving out, my problem is in no way fixable.
I tried it all. Therapy, Psychward, Drugs, Relationships, Love and lust, going out with friends to every spot imaginable, reinventing myself 3 times, becoming someones pet, becoming jacked, getting a lot of money, spending a lot of money, indulging in the deepest pit of my masochism to the point that it leaves forever lasting marks.
Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Not even the pain feels like it used to be. Even that is no longer enough to clear my head.
So yeah. What now?
I guess most of you can guess the answer ^^ Not for now, though. Not for now...
It is a good thing that my instinct is finally smashed for good.
Have a good and wonderful time everyone.
I hope that you can find your
No matter if that is in life or death <3
Cheers!
Music fitting to it all <3:
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