purebliss
Just be happy =)
- Mar 3, 2026
- 149
Part 1 - Life Story | Onion Link
Part 2 - Planning | Onion Link
Part 3 - Closure + DSL | Onion Link
Part 4 - Cover Blown | Onion Link
Part 4:Amendment - Missing them | Onion Link
I have pondered for a few weeks now.
Especially since I wrote this and this thread I wondered more and more why it has to be the way it currently is.
Now I came up with a hypothesis which, if true, would be fairly scary for me.
I might not be all alone in my "head". I don't mean that in a schizophrenic way but more... something different.
Alright let's start at the beginning of my hypothesis:
As I wrote in my life story, my masochism and submissive tendencies are not just mere things of my sexual lust. They do not even make me feel that much arousal.
Yes, they are really nice and my body and mind resonates with the pain but there is a thing that is far more important in the entire process:
It empties my brain.
It stops that ever present sadness. That feeling that makes me wake up every morning having me contemplate for 30 Minutes if I should run in front of a train or suffer through the day. Heck, it stops my brain altogether.
If a person is somewhat attractive to me I am fully able to let go, to shut every last bit of my brain up and let her take full control of me.
So what I noticed now is: That "asshole-syndrome", I also wrote about in my story, has inconsistent timings. It appears quicker or slower depending on something that I do not know about.
And I might have finally found that "why"!
For that I need to go back to those 10 Minutes of insanity where I do irrational things when the sadness completely eats me up from the inside and I have no way to control myself anymore.
I never really thought much about it because I was under the impression that it was merely a logical consequence of being sad for too long.
But why do I always try to isolate myself as quickly as possible in those 10 Minutes? Why does it always have to do with me cutting contact with as many people as possible while I am "overtaken"?
And that is where I think that I might not be completely alone with myself. That something tries to "control" me in my head. It's hard to describe. It's not a voice. Not a "soul" or anything like that. But something... different.
Back to my "asshole-syndrome": I hypothesized now that this actually has to do with some kind of "control war" that my own brain is fighting with myself. I have long accepted that I am not much more but a "puppet" that can be played with by anyone I find remotely attractive. I can be fully controlled and made things I would never do myself and still love it with my entire heart.
And while I am controlled by someone my brain is unable to control me. With it not being able to control me no longer it tries everything to regain control over me.
It's the only way it can fight against me: Try to separate me from the other person that has me in their current control. The more control the other person has over me and the less control my brain has over me the stronger that feeling gets and the faster it comes.
But only whenever I am alone and no longer in the presence of said person.
And it's effective. So very much effective... I have no means of fighting back. I can only eventually submit to that feeling and exit the relationship.
At this point my brain takes back complete control of me and punishes me with the rebound that I wrote about. Showing me what a failure I am that I was unable to fight against it, yet again and mocking me by making me reminiscence about the oh so beautiful time I had being in someone else's control and not have to be stuck in my head for once.
I have no idea what the end goal is. What it wants from me. What would happen if I endured it for much longer. It has gotten much much worse over the years. Forcing me with my Survival Instinct to stay alive and suffer under it.
While extremely unfair to use my last two relationships as a "tipping point", for which I apologize to both, it has finally allowed me to give up on my life without feeling any survival instinct anymore. I would finally be able to go now if I push 25mg of Alprazolam inside me.
I can finally win this fight that I fought for 13 years.
It was the one and only slip-up my brain made. Filling me with so much unbearable pain that my instinct finally broke.
Funny enough. Apparently my brain actually knows that it fucked up dearly. Because the rebound is fully and completely over by now. I no longer feel sad about the loss of Katarina and Silke.
It's over. Way too quickly then what I am used to.
I know that there is only one way out for me alive and that is by being someone's else "slave" or "puppet".
As that is completely improbable, as I also know that there are times where I have to be alone with my head again, I don't see many ways out anymore.
I will try and see where it leads me.
I don't even remember anymore who I am. Who was I before this feeling took over me.
Who am I if I don't masquerade in front of people and show that oh so ever "jolly" me to them.
Why does my brain want to fully isolate me from everyone and want me all for itself?
What does my brain want me to be in the end?
Where would the path lead me?
I hope I don't have to find that out...
--------
Cheers guys.
May you all find your true happiness. No matter if that is in your life or death ^^
Don't end up like me, please.
Part 2 - Planning | Onion Link
Part 3 - Closure + DSL | Onion Link
Part 4 - Cover Blown | Onion Link
Part 4:Amendment - Missing them | Onion Link
I have pondered for a few weeks now.
Especially since I wrote this and this thread I wondered more and more why it has to be the way it currently is.
Now I came up with a hypothesis which, if true, would be fairly scary for me.
I might not be all alone in my "head". I don't mean that in a schizophrenic way but more... something different.
Alright let's start at the beginning of my hypothesis:
As I wrote in my life story, my masochism and submissive tendencies are not just mere things of my sexual lust. They do not even make me feel that much arousal.
Yes, they are really nice and my body and mind resonates with the pain but there is a thing that is far more important in the entire process:
It empties my brain.
It stops that ever present sadness. That feeling that makes me wake up every morning having me contemplate for 30 Minutes if I should run in front of a train or suffer through the day. Heck, it stops my brain altogether.
If a person is somewhat attractive to me I am fully able to let go, to shut every last bit of my brain up and let her take full control of me.
So what I noticed now is: That "asshole-syndrome", I also wrote about in my story, has inconsistent timings. It appears quicker or slower depending on something that I do not know about.
And I might have finally found that "why"!
For that I need to go back to those 10 Minutes of insanity where I do irrational things when the sadness completely eats me up from the inside and I have no way to control myself anymore.
I never really thought much about it because I was under the impression that it was merely a logical consequence of being sad for too long.
But why do I always try to isolate myself as quickly as possible in those 10 Minutes? Why does it always have to do with me cutting contact with as many people as possible while I am "overtaken"?
And that is where I think that I might not be completely alone with myself. That something tries to "control" me in my head. It's hard to describe. It's not a voice. Not a "soul" or anything like that. But something... different.
Back to my "asshole-syndrome": I hypothesized now that this actually has to do with some kind of "control war" that my own brain is fighting with myself. I have long accepted that I am not much more but a "puppet" that can be played with by anyone I find remotely attractive. I can be fully controlled and made things I would never do myself and still love it with my entire heart.
And while I am controlled by someone my brain is unable to control me. With it not being able to control me no longer it tries everything to regain control over me.
It's the only way it can fight against me: Try to separate me from the other person that has me in their current control. The more control the other person has over me and the less control my brain has over me the stronger that feeling gets and the faster it comes.
But only whenever I am alone and no longer in the presence of said person.
And it's effective. So very much effective... I have no means of fighting back. I can only eventually submit to that feeling and exit the relationship.
At this point my brain takes back complete control of me and punishes me with the rebound that I wrote about. Showing me what a failure I am that I was unable to fight against it, yet again and mocking me by making me reminiscence about the oh so beautiful time I had being in someone else's control and not have to be stuck in my head for once.
I have no idea what the end goal is. What it wants from me. What would happen if I endured it for much longer. It has gotten much much worse over the years. Forcing me with my Survival Instinct to stay alive and suffer under it.
While extremely unfair to use my last two relationships as a "tipping point", for which I apologize to both, it has finally allowed me to give up on my life without feeling any survival instinct anymore. I would finally be able to go now if I push 25mg of Alprazolam inside me.
I can finally win this fight that I fought for 13 years.
It was the one and only slip-up my brain made. Filling me with so much unbearable pain that my instinct finally broke.
Funny enough. Apparently my brain actually knows that it fucked up dearly. Because the rebound is fully and completely over by now. I no longer feel sad about the loss of Katarina and Silke.
It's over. Way too quickly then what I am used to.
I know that there is only one way out for me alive and that is by being someone's else "slave" or "puppet".
As that is completely improbable, as I also know that there are times where I have to be alone with my head again, I don't see many ways out anymore.
I will try and see where it leads me.
I don't even remember anymore who I am. Who was I before this feeling took over me.
Who am I if I don't masquerade in front of people and show that oh so ever "jolly" me to them.
Why does my brain want to fully isolate me from everyone and want me all for itself?
What does my brain want me to be in the end?
Where would the path lead me?
I hope I don't have to find that out...
--------
Cheers guys.
May you all find your true happiness. No matter if that is in your life or death ^^
Don't end up like me, please.
