truehappiness
Close to true happiness =)
- Mar 3, 2026
- 36
Part 1 - Life Story | Onion Link
Part 2 - Planning | Onion Link
Hey hey!
I am back again :>
Just two pretty big things that happened in my life :D
The next diary entry will be about:
Cheers! And I wish you all to find your true happiness as well :D
May that be in life or death
Part 2 - Planning | Onion Link
Hey hey!
I am back again :>
Just two pretty big things that happened in my life :D
I went to Bavaria with some friends to celebrate the birthday of the parents of a friend of mine.
They asked me if I wanted to tag along and I gladly tagged along. It was also the group that included Matt and Katarina. (More on them in Part 1. Short summary: Matt is a good friend I met in my vocational school and katarina is my ex girlfriend. Both live together)
Well. All in all it was not a good day for me. I woke up and already realized that I have too much pent up sadness. I tried to force-cry to relive it but no chance whatsoever.
It's hard to masquerade in front of your friends when you are too filled with sadness so I was not sure if I should just short-term cancel.
I did decide to tag along in the end. Driving there was quite fine. I took a big puff of some high intensity weed beforehand and fell asleep for some time during the drive.
When we arrived I already felt that nothing in my brain was fine at all and I had to actively concentrate on suppressing this annoying sadness. It was so so hard to keep up the charade of the "happy me" with all that inside me.
In the end it came as it had to come: We sat in the big eating hall and watched some performances made by the other guests for the "birthday child" . During all that I always felt my eyes drifting away while my brain could only think about ways to CTB.
Ultimately I collapsed and tried to sneak off as silently as I could to the toilet where I then cried my eyes out. It was just too much again.
After around 20 Minutes I was back to my base sadness but I do still felt that it was shaky and could become worse quite easily again.
Matt came eventually out actually to talk to me because he noticed something was not right with me... Welp... Masquerading failed, I guess?
In the end we talked a bit and I did not manage to contain the second cry attack. At least that was it for the rest evening afterwards
Later when Katarina and the rest were outside I talked quite a bit with Katarina as well. And finally confronted her if she was actively avoiding me and if I did something so terrible, that she does not want to talk/interact with me anymore.
To that she replied that she was under the impression that I wanted distance from her. I told her that I so very much desire to have things be the exact same as before we even got together and that she can use me again just like before. Do I buy that "explanation" from her? To be honest no. Not really. For the rest of the evening it still was incredibly clear to me that her sole focus was more on Matt.
I guess this was the very first time in my life I felt true jealousy. I never had issues with that before. I could watch my past relationships kiss another men right in front of my eyes and I did not care for a single second. But this hurt somehow. Seeing her looking at him like that fucked with my brain so incredibly much. That is how it feels like, huh? I am so super sorry for everyone here suffering from jealousy :'>
It still gave me some closure though. I managed to speak my mind out which is incredibly difficult for me, as I usually always just try to run away.
It doesn't change the two biggest regrets I have in my life in the slightest though.
That being:
- Ending the relationship with Diana
- Starting a relationship with Katarina
They asked me if I wanted to tag along and I gladly tagged along. It was also the group that included Matt and Katarina. (More on them in Part 1. Short summary: Matt is a good friend I met in my vocational school and katarina is my ex girlfriend. Both live together)
Well. All in all it was not a good day for me. I woke up and already realized that I have too much pent up sadness. I tried to force-cry to relive it but no chance whatsoever.
It's hard to masquerade in front of your friends when you are too filled with sadness so I was not sure if I should just short-term cancel.
I did decide to tag along in the end. Driving there was quite fine. I took a big puff of some high intensity weed beforehand and fell asleep for some time during the drive.
When we arrived I already felt that nothing in my brain was fine at all and I had to actively concentrate on suppressing this annoying sadness. It was so so hard to keep up the charade of the "happy me" with all that inside me.
In the end it came as it had to come: We sat in the big eating hall and watched some performances made by the other guests for the "birthday child" . During all that I always felt my eyes drifting away while my brain could only think about ways to CTB.
Ultimately I collapsed and tried to sneak off as silently as I could to the toilet where I then cried my eyes out. It was just too much again.
After around 20 Minutes I was back to my base sadness but I do still felt that it was shaky and could become worse quite easily again.
Matt came eventually out actually to talk to me because he noticed something was not right with me... Welp... Masquerading failed, I guess?
In the end we talked a bit and I did not manage to contain the second cry attack. At least that was it for the rest evening afterwards
Later when Katarina and the rest were outside I talked quite a bit with Katarina as well. And finally confronted her if she was actively avoiding me and if I did something so terrible, that she does not want to talk/interact with me anymore.
To that she replied that she was under the impression that I wanted distance from her. I told her that I so very much desire to have things be the exact same as before we even got together and that she can use me again just like before. Do I buy that "explanation" from her? To be honest no. Not really. For the rest of the evening it still was incredibly clear to me that her sole focus was more on Matt.
I guess this was the very first time in my life I felt true jealousy. I never had issues with that before. I could watch my past relationships kiss another men right in front of my eyes and I did not care for a single second. But this hurt somehow. Seeing her looking at him like that fucked with my brain so incredibly much. That is how it feels like, huh? I am so super sorry for everyone here suffering from jealousy :'>
It still gave me some closure though. I managed to speak my mind out which is incredibly difficult for me, as I usually always just try to run away.
It doesn't change the two biggest regrets I have in my life in the slightest though.
That being:
- Ending the relationship with Diana
- Starting a relationship with Katarina
Now with said closure I feel even more ready to exit! Tying up loose ends is such a nice feeling because you do not go with a heavy heart anymore.
I actually managed to finally find the DSL website and that throws my entire plan around a little bit.
Originally I wanted to go via CO. But that was such an unsure method. I could not find a CO meter anywhere that goes beyond 1000 and there was also still way too many unanswered questions and possibilities to fuck it up.
For example heat in the car, too low of a dosage, considering I drive a Skoda Fabia 6Y there is also the concern of it leaking everywhere as it's an old car.
So yeah. I was quite unsure but ready to commit to this method if I would not have found DSL :D
Now I can go without any worries and with a sure fire way via SN!
I actually managed to finally find the DSL website and that throws my entire plan around a little bit.
Originally I wanted to go via CO. But that was such an unsure method. I could not find a CO meter anywhere that goes beyond 1000 and there was also still way too many unanswered questions and possibilities to fuck it up.
For example heat in the car, too low of a dosage, considering I drive a Skoda Fabia 6Y there is also the concern of it leaking everywhere as it's an old car.
So yeah. I was quite unsure but ready to commit to this method if I would not have found DSL :D
Now I can go without any worries and with a sure fire way via SN!
- My luck in finding someone else to do it with. Doing it alone is so very lonely and I would love to feed into my people pleaser nature one last time by fulfilling someone's dream for an entire week before exiting together ^^. I have quite a bit of money saved up and whatever else I can do, I will do.
- I will try to avoid finding someone here as that will 100% draw the attention of more want-to-be less than credible jrnalists.
I can already see the headlines "mrder website now does group sc" or random bs like that. If any reporter reads this: Please fk off and report on actual issues like politics causing this entire mess for most people! :>
- I will try to avoid finding someone here as that will 100% draw the attention of more want-to-be less than credible jrnalists.
- Source code of the program I will write to send out automatic cleanup messages and final messages. Will link it via my smart watch so that when my heartrate drops to 0 and some time passes the messages are sent through Insta and Whats
Cheers! And I wish you all to find your true happiness as well :D
May that be in life or death
