Venting My diary....today

[LittleJem]

Am in a state of agitation. Am out of bed because I had some coke, but it hasn't much improved my mood. Last week it was helping more.

Everything that ever helps then crashes and burns. Adding weed - that is the usual.

Last night, my brother called me as his daughter had had a seizure and was in hospital. I listened well enough (as I'd had diazepam so could be a bit more human). My feelings - worry for him. And also resentment that he is suffering so much that who am I to add to his suffering by CTB.

I know today that if I said to him give me £500 to help me stay alive he would refuse. Tell me how much he's spending on the adaptations to his house for his daughter. Tell me why wasn't I managing on my benefits. I would get blamed for asking him. The £500 would be for a machine that would make me some edibles and then also for some emergency cocaine. I get judged for using drugs, but without them I don't know if I would function at all.

I HATE being alive and who knows or cares about the struggle just to get through another day of being alive.

Today, I've not eaten. Had nothing to drink. Not left my room. Lain in bed with agitation. Had to take cocaine to get up. Now in a state of panic. All of this I get judged for, and yet have no other option to keep myself alive and to get out the house. And I really really FUCKING hate it.

I am expected to do all of this in silence and in my corner.

 

[Overwhelmed52]

Am in a state of agitation. Am out of bed because I had some coke, but it hasn't much improved my mood. Last week it was helping more.

Everything that ever helps then crashes and burns. Adding weed - that is the usual.

Last night, my brother called me as his daughter had had a seizure and was in hospital. I listened well enough (as I'd had diazepam so could be a bit more human). My feelings - worry for him. And also resentment that he is suffering so much that who am I to add to his suffering by CTB.

I know today that if I said to him give me £500 to help me stay alive he would refuse. Tell me how much he's spending on the adaptations to his house for his daughter. Tell me why wasn't I managing on my benefits. I would get blamed for asking him. The £500 would be for a machine that would make me some edibles and then also for some emergency cocaine. I get judged for using drugs, but without them I don't know if I would function at all.

I HATE being alive and who knows or cares about the struggle just to get through another day of being alive.

Today, I've not eaten. Had nothing to drink. Not left my room. Lain in bed with agitation. Had to take cocaine to get up. Now in a state of panic. All of this I get judged for, and yet have no other option to keep myself alive and to get out the house. And I really really FUCKING hate it.

I am expected to do all of this in silence and in my corner.

I get frozen and unable to move or do anything, too. I feel like I'll jinx things just by moving.

 

[LittleJem]

Wanted to finish this day...Am in bed and agitated, possibly too agitated to sleep or at least to sleep easily. Am really scared of tomorrow and of having to endure the SI again for the day. I miss my brother and want news of his family and also don't know if I can cope with it.

SI is pretty constant and I hate being alive. Didn't leave the house till the afternoon then sat outside in 4 degree cold picking up.

What a nightmare. Wish this was over.

Oh. I found photos dating back to 2017 showing how mad I was then. Also a photo taken by my crackhead ex of me with flowers - I had asked him to take a photo of me posed AS IF I WAS DEAD. That was the end of 2022.

Nothing has changed so why would anyone expect things to change.

In 2017, I don't know how I got out the house to look after myself. And now it is the same.