Venting My desire to isolate and numb emotions

[snowlance]

This is a genuine question for anyone that knows in any way, is there a way to suppress emotions and the desire for social connections? I've wondered this question all my life, and tried to accomplish this feat several times, especially in college. I would purposely decline social invitations, and punished myself for laziness often. It got to the point once where I leaned against the kitchen counter after doing an essay all day and nearly passed out. Okay, I had to take care and reward myself more, be nicer to myself. Countless times I've let myself get the idea I could make friends and live umongst people but it always ends in despair. They leave one way or another, hurt me, betray me, distance from me, pretend to care. I can't trust anyone even myself anymore. I've come to the realization multiple times that I need to stay away from people but I keep opening myself up like an idiot and getting hurt. I'm hoping when im on disability and living with my friend, to learn how to suppress this side of me, the side that desires social interactions and relies on emotions to make my decisions. Is there a way throught conditioning, medication or experiences one can completely or somewhat remove this side of me? I don't want it anymore. Countless times I'm reminded how weak I am because of these emotions and desire. If I could get rid of them and learn to enjoy life by myself, I wouldn't need to risk getting hurt anymore.
I'm giving up on most people. It feels like I put 90% of effort in a relationship/friendship and only get 10% back. I always ask for people to hang out, put more into the conversation or starting one, and forgive the most. I get made fun of, neglected, i vent and only get one word back, never pick what we do, and i forgive almost anything. Then i make one small mistake and they leave just lole thatm I feel like I have this permanent negative stat on me that says "you only exist to 50% of people in the world" and everything else is a lie. Im always careful what i say and ask if im annoying a lot (which is annoying), and try not to talk too much about myself. But it's always the same result. Here on sasu and the server is the only place I haven't felt all of this as much as I have with others.
Even my friend in Ohio, I like her a lot but I feel like I'm nothing but a friend to move in together with. She's always busy streaming, talking to friends, playing with other friends, and never has time for me but I've lied to myself so much now out of fear of having no close friends left, that were best friends and were both fighting this battle together.
If I can just turn off my emotions whenever I want, life would be so much easier.

 

[Hotsackage]

mental illness is stigmatized unfortunately. people dont know how to respond to it, other then shrug it off or laugh it. this obviously is disheartening and honestly just makes one numb towards people in general. everyone wants social relationships, but when it is beyond your control you, it forces you to isolate and unfortunately, you just get use to it. i hope this helps somehow

 

[AllFoxedOut]

I wish it were possible to simply numb yourself of the human to desire to make connections. Outside of heavy alcohol abuse, I've never managed it. If you have ever experienced dissociation, then you would know that's about as numb as you can get to emotions and the world. It comes with it's own set of problems, however, and is difficult (if not impossible) to trigger deliberately.

 

[puella]

It's possible that feeling lonely over time has given you anxiety. Anxiety can put people into a state of panic, even unnoticeably. Feelings like these would make it harder for you to find and nurture good relationships.

I'm so sorry people have taken you for granted. You deserve to be appreciated and cared about.

When you are in pain, it's easier to make mistakes. Either getting close to people you shouldn't trust, or accidentally pushing away people you should. There are people you can trust in the world.

I would focus on yourself. Care about yourself, appreciate yourself. I know this is hard to do in practice, but I believe in you.