Venting My depression is so bad

[BlueButterfly111]

I am so severely depressed, I don't want to get out of bed, I don't want to do anything, everything is just pointless. It's funny because when I look back at my life last year everything wasn't perfect but I was happy with my boyfriend. Now that's it's been almost a year since he passed away I feel nothing and I don't care about anything. Life feels a lot like how it felt before I met him, just empty, but he did fill that void that I was searching for of just wanting to be loved.

He was my soulmate, I don't even have the words to describe how much he meant to me. My whole body just feels numb, I miss holding him and it's getting to the point where my memories of him are starting to become distant, and I hate it. I never want to forget about him, he was the best thing that ever happened to me and I don't want to live without him.

It's so weird because I know that most people here probably don't believe in ideas like soul partners or soulmates. But I look back at my memories with him, and from the first moment that I met him it felt like I already knew him, he felt familiar, felt like home. And he was the same way with me, I've never felt that way with anyone before, not even my own family. It felt like what I experienced was like a movie but it actually happened to me, and for that I am lucky. But at the same time there's no point in living and there's really nothing for me to do here.

I wish I could be somewhere else besides this world, I hope I will get to go be with him when I die. To feel his love and his warm embrace is the only thing that would make me feel alive again. I think he was an Earth angel and my soulmate because his touch was magical unlike any other touch I've ever felt. There's just no point of living, I don't find fulfillment in anything else, I'm just counting down the days.

 

[elkheart]

I believe in soul partners and soulmates deeply. I know we get to meet eachother in other realms and other lives, and there's nothing really proving that he isn't waiting for you on the other side of this next portal we call "death". I've felt connections strongly like this in waking life but also in my dreams; I dream very vividly and have reoccuring dream "characters" and locations I revisit, building on friendships and almost mapping out these places as a whole planet in a videogame. When I'm in it, it feels just as real as "this" life does. Nobody has been able to relate or understand this in my life, and I don't blame them, but it gets very lonely having experienced this sort of *magic*. Even if at times I am plagued by nightmares, I think that's what keeps it all feeling so real and comparably accurate to the planet I wake up in bed on. Have you ever gotten glimpses of "the other side"? Does your boyfriend come to you in dreams or apparitions at all? Just curious if you have any sort of contact with him, since you mentioned sort of starting to feel his presence far away...

Anyways, similar boat as you...I'm depressed beyond belief and nothing feels worth it or sensible to get up to. Depression is a great liar when it comes to clouding my judgment on what will help make me feel better, convincing me the effort that it will take will lead me to more defeat anyway. I don't know how I landed in the position I'm in either - my life was almost as perfect and happy as it's ever been last summer, I jokingly wonder if a curse was placed on me to have landed back in such a horrifying mental state and living situation where I've been more sure of CTB than I ever have before. Much love to you, based on everything I've seen you share I almost wish we could be depression buddies in our own separate beds eating snacks just riding this out until our respective bus comes...you are not alone, and I'm both sorry and glad to say it.

 

[BlueButterfly111]

I believe in soul partners and soulmates deeply. I know we get to meet eachother in other realms and other lives, and there's nothing really proving that he isn't waiting for you on the other side of this next portal we call "death". I've felt connections strongly like this in waking life but also in my dreams; I dream very vividly and have reoccuring dream "characters" and locations I revisit, building on friendships and almost mapping out these places as a whole planet in a videogame. When I'm in it, it feels just as real as "this" life does. Nobody has been able to relate or understand this in my life, and I don't blame them, but it gets very lonely having experienced this sort of *magic*. Even if at times I am plagued by nightmares, I think that's what keeps it all feeling so real and comparably accurate to the planet I wake up in bed on. Have you ever gotten glimpses of "the other side"? Does your boyfriend come to you in dreams or apparitions at all? Just curious if you have any sort of contact with him, since you mentioned sort of starting to feel his presence far away...

Anyways, similar boat as you...I'm depressed beyond belief and nothing feels worth it or sensible to get up to. Depression is a great liar when it comes to clouding my judgment on what will help make me feel better, convincing me the effort that it will take will lead me to more defeat anyway. I don't know how I landed in the position I'm in either - my life was almost as perfect and happy as it's ever been last summer, I jokingly wonder if a curse was placed on me to have landed back in such a horrifying mental state and living situation where I've been more sure of CTB than I ever have before. Much love to you, based on everything I've seen you share I almost wish we could be depression buddies in our own separate beds eating snacks just riding this out until our respective bus comes...you are not alone, and I'm both sorry and glad to say it.

Wow, I relate to you so much! Yes I actually have very vivid dreams frequently, about him and about different things, it's like being in a different world. I even had a dream about my boyfriend passing away a few months before he passed away, (he didn't die from suicide.)

After he passed away I found posts from him on his old Facebook from like years ago, before I met him with him saying that he wanted to die. I have so many signs from him, and feel so connected to him even after his death that I definitely believe that he is my soul partner. It's so ironic that he spent years wanting to die, and just a year after he met me, he died. Which will hopefully also be true for me spending years wanting to die, and then finally being able to die a year after I met him.

It's because of him that I believe in fate and destiny. There's just so many signs I get from him, I know I'll see him again. I'm so sorry about your depression, and much love back to you, thanks for the reply!