deltahead
Student
- May 28, 2019
- 160
In this little wooden box is meto, cimetidine, and 5 containers full of 99.5% food grade SN ranging from 15 to 20 grams. I also have a measuring cup for water. This all sounds good when I write it down, like I know what I'm doing, but in truth I'm quite anxious. Not just about the longevity of these materials (the cimetidine expires in November, the SN in March next year), but about the regimen, the place I'd pick, and where I'd "go" next assuming the whole process works. I'm getting a lot of cognitive dissonance thinking about how this whole thing seems so infeasible, yet I can actually die within 48 hours if I so desired now. It doesn't feel "real" yet, worryingly enough. I've also taken the liberty to do a little 24 hour regimen lately, just to test the effects of meto on me. It had none. I took 3 doses, all 10mg, 8 hours apart, and felt absolutely no side effects. Keep in mind I'm a big, tall dude. I've also learned that SN has the consistency of sticky sugar and a very chemical smell. The smell doesn't linger, however I did have to wash my hands around 4 times while handling and weighing it. Do with that information what you will. I had to cut the bag open with a knife, poured it into the containers while weighing it on a digital scale like some drug dealer in a movie, then I flushed the rest down the toilet (what a waste) and threw the bag and package away. Anyway, the reason I set this thread to "Help" is because I still have a few doubts I'd like cleared up so I can write down a proper plan for whenever I finally grow a spine.
1: Do you think this box is adequate storage for SN? I have it padlocked and keep it hidden in my room. I just need it to hold out for the rest of it's shelf life, so about half a year.
2: Today is Monday. Let's say I start taking meto midnight on Tuesday, then 8am, then 16pm. I would repeat this same process on Wednesday, but during the 16pm dose I'd also take cimetidine, then wait around 45 minutes and then prepare and take the SN. That's the 48 hour regimen, right? I'm not like way off on the math or anything? Speaking of cimetidine, a single 200mg dose is enough, right?
3: This might be a very stupid question, but is it okay to stir the SN using any kind of spoon? I remember reading that you shouldn't stir Sodium Azide with a metal spoon or something like that, and I'm wondering if there's similar restrictions to SN though I doubt it.
There's a lot of problems. For one, I don't actually want to die inside my house, it's far too uncomfortable and I don't want to traumatize my parents any more than I already will. I'd really love to die far away from here, where I don't have to worry about anyone but myself. However the regimen I'm looking at would mean I'd die somewhere around 4am, and they'd never let me go out around this time. Maybe this wouldn't be a problem if I weren't a manchild but still. Secondly, our living situation (coupled with a lot of bad habits) makes it so we pretty much eat food irregularly, whenever it comes, because it might not be there the next day. This makes it kind of a dice roll as to whether or not I'll be able to go the 8 hours without eating. Like two days ago I managed to go over 10 hours, but that's not common. Not that rare either. This inconsistency is very problematic for what needs to be a consistent regimen. On top of that, I'd have to basically force myself to do it seeing as how my "motivation" to die lasts only a few moments every day, and my anxiety and paranoia towards everything make it impossible to feel confident or at peace with any choice. You could say the SN method probably isn't for me, but I've had no luck with partial hanging or lowering my SI. Now it feels like I've gone too far to back down, in a sense. I'm terrified of just spending these months doing nothing and wasting my chance.
But I think the biggest problem of all, the thing actually stopping me from doing it, is that I've become so abysmally jaded I can't even believe death would bring an end to this. Death always seemed very final and comforting compared to my paradoxical, unacceptable existence, but what if that doesn't happen? What if my mind artificially extends itself past my death? What if human brains don't really "know" how to shut off upon death? What if I spend eternity stewing in my own dissolved consciousness, seeing jumbled memories, trying to interpret patterns that don't exist anymore? That just sounds hellish. Hell is also a possibility, ironically. Sure, I'd like to think there's more to suicide than just personal comfort (your potential for causing suffering also becomes zero after a while), but that's a still terrifying thing to think about. What if I'll never actually be able to escape myself? I guess it's a good thing that everything I just said is probably scientifically inaccurate as hell. What I really need is confidence, even if stupid. Real arrogance, not the kind I pretend to have to shield my own confused, stunted emotions. Physical energy to go through with it. Having an enemy in these situations would be great, also. An abusive parent. An evil boss or family member. Someone I could tell to fuck off. I don't know. That narrative would really help me right now, but I have nothing like that. My emotional/psychological/whatever makeup just doesn't allow for something like that. Just the vague feeling that if I continue to be alive, I will bring only misery. It feels unavoidable. If I die, my parents can just mourn whatever qualities they projected onto me, convinced I was a great kid, instead of being terribly disappointed and embittered at whatever arbitrary things I did or failed to do as we all continue to rot under the same roof. I feel like if I keep waiting for it to "feel right", the time will never come. And yet, everyone mentions feeling so calm and secure in their decision, which to me sounds like a dream. You should also know I don't have any reservations about this life, things that I will "miss", things I wish I could do or whatever. I'm just a chronically insecure, cowardly and lethargic being, and now I'm really paying for that. I'm almost convinced that killing myself would somehow retroactively make suicide the "wrong" answer, just because it's what I picked. I would really like nothing more than to leave. If I have to be strong for even one moment in my life, then let this be it. But I won't. I don't know how to. I'd like to say it's "over" now and I can rest easy knowing I have a way out, but it's never been that simple with me.
