My dad told me that he's lost all hope in me

[suicidaltransgirl]

Yesterday my dad called me because he wanted to "catch up". He sent me a video of my sister's recently born baby, and I told him the video worries me. I told him it worries me because my sister sounds exactly like my mom in the video, and she kept saying "you shouldn't be sad" to the baby when he would briefly stop smiling. Considering both my parents were abusive, and we used to be punished for expressing any sort of negative thought or emotion, I didn't think that would be such a far fetched or upsetting thing to say. But it seems that was the last straw for him. He said "I used to have some hope for you, but now I don't, all my hope is gone, you're just stuck in the past, and you're so judgemental". I responded by saying "Ok, goodbye then" and he said "Bye!" in an almost happy/mocking tone.

So that's my dad; the person who abused me physically and emotionally since I was 2 years old, who has given me PTSD, who I've given so many chances to prove to me that he's changed, that things could be different, that maybe we could become close. My dad who knows that I'm suicidal, that I have an eating disorder, that I struggle to function and take care of myself. What a fucking idiot I was for thinking he wanted to show up to offer me support, only to leave me feeling even more broken and unlovable than ever. The only reason he wanted to reconnect with me is to make himself feel better, and when he realized I wasn't doing that, he cast me aside. I'll never be so desperate again to seek a connection with my parents ever again.

 

[TraumaEscapee:)]

Sounds to me that your concerns were out of trauma and care for the baby and rather than reassuring you, or comforting you your dad decided to gaslight you "you're stuck in the past". He sounds toxic. You don't deserve that and you did nothing wrong. My birth family were abusive and invalidating I'm completely estranged from them so I understand your pain. I was actually beaten up from a similar age for even crying or showing sadness after some of them attacked me. I say attack as there was a huge age gap between my birth parents and its children. One was less than 2 years older actually and he'd bully me on and off throughout my childhood. Finding out he's now in a wheelchair made me very happy. My trauma stems from my birth siblings and birth parent, the other one never abused me but CTB when I was a baby so left trauma in that way. Families suck big time. I'm here if you need a chat.

 

[suicidaltransgirl]

Sounds to me that your concerns were out of trauma and care for the baby and rather than reassuring you, or comforting you your dad decided to gaslight you "you're stuck in the past". He sounds toxic. You don't deserve that and you did nothing wrong. My birth family were abusive and invalidating I'm completely estranged from them so I understand your pain. I was actually beaten up from a similar age for even crying or showing sadness after some of them attacked me. I say attack as there was a huge age gap between my birth parents and its children. One was less than 2 years older actually and he'd bully me on and off throughout my childhood. Finding out he's now in a wheelchair made me very happy. My trauma stems from my birth siblings and birth parent, the other one never abused me but CTB when I was a baby so left trauma in that way. Families suck big time. I'm here if you need a chat.

Oh this thread actually got posted! I thought it got rejected. Anyway, I really appreciate your reply. I agree with you, and even if what I said was wrong and even if I'm fucked up, I think what's even more fucked up is his reaction and him just giving up on me like that, especially that he's the one who tormented me from such a young age. I'm definitely the scapegoat/black sheep of my family, and I'm decided now that I'm cutting them off, forever.

I'm sorry to hear about your experiences as well. No one deserves to live in fear from such a young age, it's really its own kind of hell. I will probably be relieved when my parents die. Feel free to reach out if you want to chat as well <3

- Julie