Venting my dad probably has cancer

[mob]

Hi guys. Idk where else to put this. I feel like no one is listening to me.

My father was a horrible man towards my mother. He beat her so brutally I felt sick when I found out about the details. I did hear them argue a lot when I was a kid but I think I just pushed all this away as I grew older.
He would beat her in ways I don't want to remember. One time he slapped her so hard her eardrum burst. I'll never forget my mom's screams and how I couldn't do anything to help her.

When I was a kid he was sweet to me. He'd pick me up from kindergarten, later from elementary school. He'd give me candy, joke around with me, and give me love and attention. So I just refused to see him as the person he truly was.
As I got older and moved in with him, he started being really weird towards me. He'd come into my room at night and try to unlock my phone, he would get random angry outbursts, threaten me and yell at me.

One day the police had to get involved and I had to go to court when I was 16. I didn't testify. He was let off with a 300€ fine and that was it. I stopped talking to him as time went on.

He's an alcoholic. I remember he called me one night really confused from the hospital and the nurse ended up talking to me to explain what happened. He had drunk A LOT, to the point I was wondering how he was even alive still. I cried a lot. He told me not to cry and that he loves me.
I haven't really talked to him since. I think it's been well over 2 years now.

I decided to visit my mom's place today (they're separated, have been for 6-7 years now). My sister picked me up with her car when I got off the train.
She tells me "Dad probably has cancer". Like it was nothing. In such a monotone voice, like she didn't even care.

My dad had been at the hospital again due to drinking way too much and getting an asthma attack. They checked his heart and noticed on the X-Ray that his bones seemed to be "dissolving" in some spots and said that it points to leukemia. My sister was with him. She didn't even react and told him like it was just something minor.
We'll know for sure next week. But I am dreading the news. He's already very sick with various dangerous health problems. If he actually has cancer, I fear he won't have a lot of time left.
I feel so guilty. For never picking up the phone when he called, because I knew he'd be drunk 90% of the time. I miss him, but I don't want to see him. I feel so fucking torn. I have never lost someone close to me. When he dies, how would I ever be able to deal with it? He's still my dad after all. Oh god, I feel so fucking horrible.

 

[venerated-vader]

Whatever you choose to do with the time he has left is your choice alone. You don't have to spend time with him if you don't want to, and you don't need to avoid him if your sister decides to stay as far from him as possible. But my suggestion is to begin preparing immediately. When my dad was diagnosed I used to tell myself 'once he's gone, he's gone.' And that reminded me to make the most of the time he had left. Of course, my dad was a good father and I had no qualms about spending my time and energy making sure he was alright. He sacrificed a lot for me, and I felt it was my business to make his last days as comfortable as possible. It's much harder when your father is an abuse and the way you feel is so mixed-up.

But you have to fully understand that once he's dead, you will never speak to him again. This is incredibly important. If you have something to say, or you want to hang out with him, or let him know how much pain he's caused you, do it now. You might feel inclined to spare his feelings because he's sick, but he will die one day dead regardless of what you say, and nothing you say will change that. Given what he's done, your feelings are monumentally more important than his comfort.

If you want to avoid torturing yourself by dealing with his drunk nonsense, or if his mere presence triggers you, you have a right to limit your contact, too. Finding what you want begins with admitting that one day he will not be there, whether he has cancer or not. The more you reconcile before he's gone, the better off you'll be.

It's still incredibly complicated. My mother was an alcoholic and absolutely destroyed my childhood and self-esteem, gave me ptsd, etc. After my father died, I saw that she was just really, REALLY sick. She was an alcoholic because she did not know what else to do, and she wanted to die but couldn't bring herself to abandon me. So I forgave her before she died, because I got my closure. But I chose to do that, and I did it for myself.

No one can tell you how to grieve, or what steps to take when your parent caused so much strife in your life. Allow yourself to be angry, find out what you want to do (not what you think you have to do), and approach it like that.

 

[madameviolette]

I thought from reading the first few lines that it sounded like he had alcohol problems. I'm sorry, growing in domestic violence must be awful. Make the best out of the time you have left together so you are not left with regrets

 

[mob]

Whatever you choose to do with the time he has left is your choice alone. You don't have to spend time with him if you don't want to, and you don't need to avoid him if your sister decides to stay as far from him as possible. But my suggestion is to begin preparing immediately. When my dad was diagnosed I used to tell myself 'once he's gone, he's gone.' And that reminded me to make the most of the time he had left. Of course, my dad was a good father and I had no qualms about spending my time and energy making sure he was alright. He sacrificed a lot for me, and I felt it was my business to make his last days as comfortable as possible. It's much harder when your father is an abuse and the way you feel is so mixed-up.

But you have to fully understand that once he's dead, you will never speak to him again. This is incredibly important. If you have something to say, or you want to hang out with him, or let him know how much pain he's caused you, do it now. You might feel inclined to spare his feelings because he's sick, but he will die one day dead regardless of what you say, and nothing you say will change that. Given what he's done, your feelings are monumentally more important than his comfort.

If you want to avoid torturing yourself by dealing with his drunk nonsense, or if his mere presence triggers you, you have a right to limit your contact, too. Finding what you want begins with admitting that one day he will not be there, whether he has cancer or not. The more you reconcile before he's gone, the better off you'll be.

It's still incredibly complicated. My mother was an alcoholic and absolutely destroyed my childhood and self-esteem, gave me ptsd, etc. After my father died, I saw that she was just really, REALLY sick. She was an alcoholic because she did not know what else to do, and she wanted to die but couldn't bring herself to abandon me. So I forgave her before she died, because I got my closure. But I chose to do that, and I did it for myself.

No one can tell you how to grieve, or what steps to take when your parent caused so much strife in your life. Allow yourself to be angry, find out what you want to do (not what you think you have to do), and approach it like that.

This is incredibly helpful and made me feel a little better. Thank you and I'm sorry for your loss.

I thought from reading the first few lines that it sounded like he had alcohol problems. I'm sorry, growing in domestic violence must be awful. Make the best out of the time you have left together so you are not left with regrets

That's probably what I'll do. I think I would have to live with the guilt forever when he's gone and I didn't spend time with him before that.

 

[countingthedays1211]

I know a lot of people who have very difficult relationships with their parents. Someone being terminally ill doesn't absolve them of the way they've spent the rest of their healthy lives.